to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

He works FT - let’s say 9-5. You work PT and are on childcare duty 9-5.

So childcare & household tasks from 6pm onwards is split 50/50. Same with weekends. He gets his down time, so do you.

Thanks, I’m glad it’s not just me thinking this! I’ve suggested he watches the DC while I do the shopping, but he always acts like it’s a massive inconvenience. It’s like he thinks his gym time is a priority, but anything I want to do is optional. Definitely going to have another talk about this.

Sorry, let me get this straight..he doesn't do the shopping. Doesn't split the chores fairly and then whinges over something that makes your manic schedule easier.... I don't like the c-bomb but he is a proper CUNT.

We never did substitutions as it was easier to pop back for a few bits or go to the corner shop than live with them.

Just do an online delivery.you're saving all the bag packing and driving time as well as the picking off the shelves time.

Nope, nope, nope.

Now we are childfree by choice. The other day DH had just finished a long stressful day (wfh) and I mentioned something about us being childfree.

He commented that he was so bloody glad, because he knew damn well that if I'd been looking after the children all day, then my expectation would be that he would then be starting.

If he knows that, and understands that, your DH has a long way to go.

Stop leaving it when he gets huffy.

Divorced my ex who was like this. Now have a partner who goes above and beyond, even though they’re not his children.

No, OP. Your DH is not being fair. He’s being an ignorant twat.

Only people who've not spent a day looking after the kids think their paid employment is the toughest thing in the world.

If he doesn't want a shop delivery-why doesn't he do the shopping?

With the kids as that how you do it & you could have some time to yourself.

If not, then you get a delivery!

Weekends need to be divided 50/50 when it comes to household stuff and dealing with the kids. If he wants to arse around with his car and his mates on Saturday fine, but you get Sunday to yourself

He’s a sexist arsehole. I agree that you need to push back - stop folding his clothes if he doesn’t want to do his share. When he’s doing the bedtime, leave. Explain to the selfish prick that evenings and weekends should be split 50/50 in terms of workload and downtime.

What a wanker.

OP you doing the shopping is not a bloody hobby and shouldn't count as your free time. He shouldn't get 2 hours of gym and you get 2 hours of tesco time. It just cements the idea that the wife work is your optional hobby.

And if he hates the online substitutions then he should go instore shopping himself

"You've been at work all day? Haven't we all! But life must go on if we're to eat/have clothes to wear/bring up children."

Rinse and repeat til the selfish twat gets it.

XH was like this, notice the X bit! We now have the dc 50/50 so he really had to step up, and admitted to me several years later that he had been a dickhead about it all.

You need to ignore his huffing and address this sharpish, otherwise resentment will set in and you'll realise you might as well do it all alone, but with a proper break when it's his time to have the kids

Yea I get it. It's very hard work if they're home.
Definitely get a Tesco delivery. You're in charge of it, your call. If he moans about the substitutions he can go out and get what he wants himself.

Something I find annoying is the fact that on an evening the jobs are all 'in the moment'. My DH used to moan that I had the whole day to do stuff but I have had to firmly remind him I can't cook tea, clean up after, bath the kids and get them to bed at 2pm in the afternoon! I need help with these as they all happen in a 2 hour window. He's much better now thankfully.

Whatever hours he works, is his working hours.

You work the same hours when it comes to childcare and housework.

Evenings and weekends are 50/50.

There’s absolutely no reason why they shouldn’t be anything else.

Clearly she's not in nursery full time

Also either you or DH go shopping during the evening once the kids are in bed (or get a delivery).

Its so much nicer going around the shops when it’s quiet.

Yeah, might be worth pointing out to him that as things stand, you'd get more time off childcare if the two of you split up. I would certainly be looking at going back to working full time.

Why is it clear?

He's being very selfish

Yep, ignore him. If he wants a task done a certain way, then he does it himself.
He doesn't want a Tesco delivery because of the substitutions? Fine, he can go to Tesco himself. Otherwise, if you're doing it, do the bloody delivery if you want to.
He doesn't want to help with folding the laundry? Fine, he can have his own laundry in a bundle in the basket, you fold your own.
Sorry but if he won't accept an adult discussion of how to fairly share the load, then he'll learn the hard way.

I’ve said this before: one up, all up.

This assumes you don’t spend your day watching TV doing fuck all, but the juggle of home life and child rearing.

Every time he sits down, join him.

Work office hours only, or tell him to get his lazy ass up.

Oh god OP…why do people put up with such shit men? You know this is unfair but you’re just doing it. Why? The first time he came home and refused to just muck in, didn’t you tell him to fucking sort himself out?

I work PT, my DH works more than FT. My kids are at school. But when he comes home, he does whatever needs doing. I’ll try my best to make our lives easier. I’ll do the shop, I’ll usually cook dinner, keep the house clean, washing etc. but when he’s back, I’m pretty much done. In fact, if we’re both home - like right now(!) he’s usually the one doing jobs, not me. He’s saying goodnight to the kids now, I’m on the sofa… I’m trying to redress the balance for all the crap husbands I read about on here.

Oh and we have a rule. If one person is doing the job and the other person wants to criticise them for how they are doing it - well they can fucking do it themselves. I wouldn’t put up with anyone telling me HOW to do the shop, or any domestic task.

I was a SAHM for three years when my kids were small. I religiously got up early on a Saturday morning and drove to a local city where I would have breakfast and lunch out and wander the shops in peace. My DH was happy to stay with the kids for the day and it kept me sane in the early days. I never went mad spending money but I really needed the time to have that weekly break. I hope you find a solution but don’t feel guilty, you are doing your fair share. 💐