to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

Pretty unanimous responses saying that he needs to step up. How do you think he’d react if you showed him this thread?

Why are men so selfish and why do we allow them to get away with it. OP please arrange some stuff for yourself and leave him with the kids to look after all weekend.
Beyond selfish and self centred and you need to be doing stuff together and as a family.
He is leading the life of a single man

Exactly! It feels like he’s actively making things harder for me on purpose. He won’t watch the kids for 30 mins so I can do a simple shop, and won’t let me get an online shop either it's madness! And yes, this is just one example. It’s the same with everything, from cleaning to organising. I’m seriously starting to feel like he expects me to be a full-time nanny/housekeeper with no support. It’s getting to the point where something needs to change, or I’ll lose it!

I work two days and dh works full time. Week days he gets up at 5 to go to walk the dog and go the gym. It makes no difference to me as he leaves for work at 7. He gets home at 6pm, I have tea ready he eats then does ds bedtime.

He cooks Friday-Sunday, does any diy/maintenance over weekend and will also stick a wash on /empty dishwasher /hoover.

We each get a lie in at weekend and we look after ds together unless one of us has plans or jobs to do.

You need a fairer distribution of chores particularly on a weekend and you both should get some free time.

To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

He also signed up for it OP. It suits him down to the ground to have you run ragged after him and the 2 children. I would warn against having anymore children with this man, he knows what he's doing. He's not a good husband or a good dad really is he?

Totally agree with you! The shopping is part of my routine, so I should be able to handle it however I see fit. And yes, the substitutions only really affect me because I’m the one who does the meal planning and cooking. If he’s not willing to help with the shopping, he can’t complain about what turns up in the delivery! I think it’s time I stop bending over backwards to make it easier for him.

"Could you" and "help" are not a good choice of words to use with twats.
"Would you/will you share folding this laundry with me now" should work, if he's half decent.
Stare him out.

You're absolutely right. If I were avoiding my responsibilities like he is, I'd be seen as a "bad mum" in a heartbeat. It’s frustrating that society seems to hold mums to a different standard. If I’m doing everything for the kids and the house, while he gets off lightly with the "fun" bits, then how can I not feel resentful? It's time for him to step up, or yes, he isbeing a bad dad

Haven't RTFT, but yes, you do need to stop being so accommodating.

I had my DC back in the 1990s. I stayed at home with the DC, and went back PT when the youngest was about a year old. Even then - a generation ago - DH helped out. He would either clear up from dinner or get the DC off to bed, he'd pop to the shops at the w/e, and generally chipped in. At the weekends, we usually took it in turns to lie in: he'd get up, bring me the baby for a feed, and then get the DC up and ready and quite often take them out.

I did the lion's share - which was fine, I was the one at home - but when he was around he did plenty.

It's hardly a new idea that the bloke should take some responsibility for the household he lives in and the DC he helped to bring into the world.

I was in this exact situation until recently (youngest just started school). I would get the lions share of everything done in those three days and then try to leave weekends free for us both to get as much down time as we can. I would say my husband does very little at home but he works around 80 hours per week and simply isn't home to help out but he encouraged me to get a cleaner to do a big clean once a week and baths the kids every evening he's home and allows me time to do my hobbies too.

Your husband sounds selfish. I'd definitely reinstate your online food shopping and be making some child free plans yourself.

*You should have equal free time, one lie-in each at the weekend, and equal fun time away from the dc/the house each week.

He should also step up and do half of anything that needs doing when he is not working. Including weekends. Lazy sexist git.

What was he like before you had Dc?*

I completely agree we need equal time to recharge. I’ve been saying we both need a lie-in and some proper downtime, but he’s always "too tired" or "hasn’t had a chance to relax." And yes, he should be doing half of everything when he’s not working, including weekends. It’s just the bare minimum! Before we had DC, he was definitely more helpful and involved, but it feels like he’s shifted all the responsibility onto me now. I honestly don’t know how things got so out of balance.

He can't have it both ways.

Either looking after kids is easy...so it won't be too difficult for him to do on evenings or weekends and it won't get in the way of him relaxing

Or its hard work, in which case you need a break from it too

If he moans about looking after his own children for 30 minutes, its madness that he thinks he needs a break more than you, when you've been doing it all day.

Agree with each other that work is working, and childcare is working, and you both need equal downtime, that needs to be agreed in advance with the other person and not just assumed...as with kids this young, when one of you takes a break, the other ones workload doubles. And he is effectively assuming you're OK with your workload being doubled without notice because you're the default parent.

I'd be offering him the solution of equal downtime otherwise options are you go back to work full time (or you increase hours and he reduces, which may actually be more efficient for tax purposes if he earns more) and you then share everything domestic 50 50 so you get a better deal

He's a twat. But he's probably not going to change so all you can do is change your behaviour.

Can you book extra nursery days or take some annual leave when your DC are at nursery to have some down time?

I know, right?! He’s definitely being a dick. I’ve started thinking about how he’d cope if I just took off for a bit, but I don’t want to have to go that far. Honestly, I reckon he’d be in meltdown mode after 24 hours! I might need to just ask him outright how he'd manage if the situation were flipped. Maybe that will make him realise how unfair he’s being.

The 50's called, they want your DH back!

I've recently gone from working FT in a massively stressful job to now being a SAHM. We've kept on our cleaner as she does a much better job than me and I have enough to do without spending 3 hours a week cleaning the house. My DH still loads the dishwasher in the evening and we both put the kids to bed as we did before.
We also do a tesco click and collect order. We choose an 8-9pm pick up slot so kids are already in bed. DH goes to pick it up and can pop in for any items not available or substitutions we have to reject (pretty rare though). I then start putting away the shopping while he brings it in.
Do whatever you need to do to make life easier. You don't get a medal for trudging round tesco for hours dragging around young children who are bored out of their minds!

Evenings and weekends are joint responsibilities for the house and children. Your husband is extremely selfish.

No, you're not being unreasonable at all and he needs to massively pull his socks up. All childcare and housework should be 50/50 outside of "working hours" so whenever he's not at his work outside the home basically. He can schedule his extra curricular activities or down time when there isn't other things to be done. And you should also get an equal amount of free time too.

But this is coming from me, a stay at home parent who was once told on Mumsnet that I was lazy because I expected this from my partner and "only" cleaned up after the kids and myself during the day. When I was at home with 3 kids under 5 and was also pregnant 😂

You should get into a simple routine with some of this stuff so there is no wriggling out of it for him. Eg each of you gets one lie in at the weekend. Each gets X hours downtime. Argument that he needs/deserves more relaxing time is nonsense. When he's at work he's only responsible for himself- that's very relaxing! He should take at least one tedious household job. As he seems to be so interested in grocery shopping, perhaps he could take this on himself along with meal planning? My DH does our online shop and actually enjoys it- he sets himself a cost target to come under each week and I just review and add anything I need before he checks it out.

I honestly don’t know how things got so out of balance

Because it was easier and quicker to do it yourself rather than do the emotional work of getting him to do his share. And he took advantage.

You're absolutely right. If I were avoiding my responsibilities like he is, I'd be seen as a "bad mum" in a heartbeat. It’s frustrating that society seems to hold mums to a different standard. If I’m doing everything for the kids and the house, while he gets off lightly with the "fun" bits, then how can I not feel resentful? It's time for him to step up, or yes, he isbeing a bad dad

Well, yes, he's a thoroughly shit dad. And a shit husband. Happy to buy his free time with your exhaustion. But op, it was you, and only you, who has called him a good dad on this thread! He is not in any way, shape or form a good dad.

What on earth is he moaning about. I get Tesco delivered every week and might get a substitution once in a blue moon. Stop being so passive and do what helps you. If he doesn’t like Tesco deliveries then he can do the shopping himself.

He won’t let you?

sorry OP but you have I think walked yourself into this and you need to walk yourself out
Onlinr shopping happens
Equal recharge time - you are tired to and he steps up

or just stop doing his stuff for him

Perhaps send him to Tesco with the kids so that he can do the shopping - you get some quiet time to yourself for as long as that takes.

He needs to take on the shopping or the washing wholesale - take one big task off your hands.
If you get a delivery you can just choose no substitutions or reject them at the door. Often you get a better product or size for the price of the original.

I'd definitely make the point that if you were to separate, he would have to step up considerably - he'd have to do his own cooking/cleaning/laundry/shopping etc. on top of looking after his kids 50% of the time so really, the choice is his. Step up now and there's no need to separate, or separate and he'll have to step up...either way, he has to step up and can't be the Disney Dad he currently is, only dealing with the 'fun stuff' with the kids and doing nothing else.

Suggest he goes and does it himself then.