to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

"He won't allow you"??????
So he's controlling you too??

I think your relationship bar is so low you don't know just what a selfish abusive prick you are living with.

Start telling family and friends the truth.
He wants you exhausted and run ragged, ground down to nothing.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.
Tell those that care about you just how controlling he is.

He is anything but a good man.

Good question! Honestly, I think he’d get defensive and probably say I’m exaggerating or being unfair. He tends to shut down when I bring this stuff up, which is part of the problem. But seeing how unanimous the responses are might just make him realise it’s not just me being unreasonable. Maybe I’ll show it to him if he brushes me off next time worth a try!

Don't accept any substitutions and top up if necessary by quick shopping.

Yeah he’s being unreasonable but I think there is a way to keep everyone happy and refreshed. DH and I have exactly the same set up as yous with similar age kids. When he gets home at 6pm he takes over the kids, does play time, bath etc while I stick an EarPod in and run around doing the jobs that need done. Yes technically he’s still not doing that work but I’m happy with this, by that point I could do with a break from hide and seek and Barbie’s and he gets some quality time with them. That way all the daily chores are done for the kids going to bed and we can both relax after a hard day. Obviously there are still some bigger jobs that need to wait for the kids going to bed but certainly not every night and yes he will help.

at the weekend we get a morning each to do as we please then the afternoons are family time, obviously we flex on this if we have plans but generally speaking he gets Saturday morning and I get Sunday. It works well for us, could you suggest something like this?

Do you think for one minute this man will step up and do 50-50 not a chance will he.

will he listen or just nod to appease you.
will he change for a few days and revert back
will he act shocked at any requests from you.

I’ll bet all of the above

I know, it’s so frustrating! It feels like we’re expected to do everything while they get to live their "single" life with no consequences. I’ve been thinking about arranging a whole weekend for myself, just to see how he copes. If he’s serious about being part of the family, he needs to step up, not just enjoy the fun bits. It’s time to stop allowing this and start holding him accountable.

If doing a weekend away make sure both sets of parents can’t help him out as most men ask mum to step in and help them

You’re absolutely right, he did sign up for this! And it really does suit him to have me running around while he gets off lightly. I’ve definitely got concerns about having any more children with him if this is how things are going. He’s not pulling his weight, and it’s making me question what kind of partner and dad he really is. It’s time for a serious talk, and if things don’t change, I’ll have to rethink everything.

I'd just say be wary of using a 'weekend off' as the main tactic here. While he'd undoubtedly find it hard work, it's easier to make a show of 'stepping up' for a bit occasional and going all out to prove a point (possibly with help for half a day here and there from grandma). It's all good while it lasts but not likely to happen that often. Whereas a regular 2-3 hours free on a weekday evening, or a Sunday morning, can be more useful and more refreshing to you, and is harder for him to either wriggle out of or make a big performance of week in week out. Think about slices of time you can make the most of.

Yep, I’m starting to think he’s not going to change, no matter how many times I bring it up. I think you’re right time for me to change my behaviour and stop being the one to do everything. I’ve been thinking about booking extra nursery days or taking some annual leave to get some proper downtime, but I always feel guilty. Maybe it’s time to stop feeling guilty and actually do it!

OP, you’re agreeing with everyone here but are you actually going to make a stand? Because your husband is treating you like total shit.

I’d stop referring to those days as your ‘days off’, including in your own head. They’re not days off they’re your days doing childcare by the sounds of it. Seems like he thinks of them as your days off as well. Hope you are able to have a conversation with him. Could you ask him (non confrontationally) what he thinks your days at home are like? Does he have some kind of unrealistic vision of you having loads of down time in the week?

I think you should totally start ordering your shops if you would prefer and let him complain about the substitutions. He can go to the shops if he wants to! Maybe also consider being more assertive with making plans for yourself, eg weekend plans with a friend and tell him he’s got the kids. I know that’s easier said than done.

Love this idea! I think a simple routine would definitely work no wriggling out of it then. I’m going to suggest a fair split on lie-ins and downtime. You’re spot on about the "he needs more relaxing time" argument he’s only responsible for himself at work, so it’s hardly stressful! I’ll also bring up the grocery shopping idea, he might surprise me. If your DH enjoys it, maybe mine will too (or at least take it off my hands). I like the cost target idea too, sounds like a great way to keep it fair and fun.

A word of warning though- if you are transferring him a job try and truly transfer it and don’t try and ‘help’. If he is well intentioned in doing it, then he will feel undermined. If he is doing it half heartedly then it’s another let off for him and potentially will just cause arguments. Good luck with it OP- hope he proves us all wrong and turns into dad/husband of the year!

I don’t know about Tesco but Sainsbury you can reject a substitution or tick a box that if they haven’t got it they don’t substitute.

if you can do that I’d consider it, then he can go and get anything that didn’t come or was rejected on his way back from the gym.

as previous posters yes you need to push back a bit and make time for yourself, phone off and go out. I remember posters saying they got a coffee and sat in their car scrolling on their phones for thirty mins before doing the shopping, blaming the long time on the busy store.

I think your problem is you're acting like, and he obviously thinks, that all these things to do are yours, and you're wanting help/support with 'your' jobs.

There not, its all joint, but the mistake you're making is asking permission, he's never going to offer, you give him no choice, tell him you're going out and when, and with a reasonable amount of notice and go.

I Bet he dosent ask if he can go to the gym!? Nor should he. And you need to act the same.

Alternatively tell him your going full time at work and you need to sit down and do a list of what needs doing to split fairly.

Please do not start trying to make shopping fun as you said, that's again treating him like a little kid.

People will treat you how you let them get away with treating you.

Apologies if I sound abrupt but reading things like this makes me quite angry, I'm also on my one night a month away from the kids ( away with work), 3 drinks down and forgot my glasses so just bashing at the keyboard hoping I make a bit of sense.

So he can go do the shopping in person, then.

Tell him you're going back to work full time.

Ask him who's going to look after the children and the house in the evenings and at the weekends, oh, and get them to/from childcare, since obviously you, too, will be entitled to sit around and do fuck all as you'll be 'unwinding' from work, too.

Wait for his answer. Insist upon one.

You’re not wrong calling him a good dad might have been too generous. I think I was trying to convince myself that he’s better than he is because he’s good at the "nice" parts of parenting, but that doesn’t make up for him dumping all the hard, relentless stuff on me. You’re right, a good dad wouldn’t leave me to burn out while he enjoys all the free time. Time to stop making excuses for him.

Dear god, don't have more children with him no matter what bullshit he tries to feed you.
He will never change.
He certainly doesn't love you.

Real love isn't words when you share children.
It is working as a team, sharing the lie-ins, wanting to do whatever you can so that it is reasonably even and that neither feels overwhelmed.
Not perfect all the time, not even near it, but at least feeling that the person you share a home with isn't intent on screwing you over until you are ground down and broken.

You and your children deserve so much better than this loser.
Talk to Women's aid.
He is abusing you and controlling you.

OP's responses are mechanical and AI bot AF!

1. Send out the laundry & ironing
2. Get a cleaner once a week
3. One lie in each at a weekend
4. Whoever shops - the other keeps the kids
5. Your job is currently bringing up his children - not cleaner-cook/laundry maid and chef.
6. If this list causes a fight.

Either do back to work full time & get a nanny that you pay for on a percentage basis with your salaries or tell him to step the fuck up or fuck off.
He will Not change voluntarily.

I had one like this - I checked into a hotel for a week. It was bloody hard and I missed my kids & he had to phone in sick. But I was losing my self & sanity.
It worked.

I've noticed this with loads of threads lately.

He won't "let" me get an online shop? If this is a real person then bloody hell woman up. Just do the online shop. He doesn't like it he goes to Tesco himself. He's not forcing you there at gun point is he? Get a grip

The quickest way for a short sharp dose of reality is to up and leave for a weekend and have not shopped.
He thinks it so bloody easy to shop and cook for children, let him crack on.

My friend did exactly that and when she returned she told him she would be doing it again next month to even up his down time.

Likewise friends whose husbands thought it was reasonable to golf on a Saturday were left on sundays with children to mind.

Talking is bullshit and a waste of time with men like this, action is what counts.

No laundry or cooking.
Do nothing that makes their life easier.
Leave them with the children every chance you get, even if it means sitting innthe car with a book, coffee, phone and power bank and have a snooze.

You are wasting time with words, actions every time.