to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

So he's yet another man who thinks having kids means he should have to do less than if he was a single man? Single people have to work and do their own housework, why does he think having two children means he has less on his plate?
He clearly shouldn't have had children, it doesn't sound like he even spends much time with them.

one tip i learned from friends who instigated an actual routine (with timetable and "chore chart" for every member of the household)

Make sure if you do a "one lie-in each per weekend" that you take Saturday.

Please don't assume all men are like your DH. Plenty out there who pull their weight

Get the food shop delivered or do click and collect (and go for a coffee first).

Food shopping is a chore, it’s not down time. So even if he is in charge of the kids whilst you shop this doesn’t count towards your time, (same for showering, cleaning etc)

I would just make plans and tell him. Just checking we don’t have plans on x as I’m going to do Y. I’d like a lie in tomorrow so can you get up with the kids, feed them x for breakfast (shouldn’t have to do this but… and you might have to ask him to get up in the morning as hell feign sleep but stay strong.) I’d find a weekly activity too. I use to go costa for a hot chocolate and a read so I cud have an early evening off when my older two were young!

split evening jobs. Do you want to clean up after dinner or get the kids ready for bed? Obv harder if he is at the gym! But if he goes two evenings you get two evenings…

On this post I have a suggestion for you. I know it will mean more work for you initially but I'm looking at playing the long game.

Keep a record of everything, and I mean everything (including how many times you get to go to the loo by yourself), that you do in a full week. And do the same for your DH.

After a week, sit down and show it to him.

He can't argue with facts. You're not exaggerating or being unfair here. You're just stating facts. If he shuts down when you bring this stuff up, you say "I'm not dealing with a man-child here. I expect you to be an adult and I'm no longer looking after you now. You can fend for yourself. When you become an adult, and realise just how much I do around here and how little time I get vs how much time you get, we'll review the situation". Then stop doing stuff for him. Don't include him in the pot for dinner, don't do his laundry, don't shop for him. He steps up and gets his act together or you'll take the next step which will no doubt be separation.

He's a disgrace as an example to his kids - "here kids, you too can get a woman to run herself ragged by doing everything for you after a 'hard day's work' and this is how you do it" - that's the example he's setting and you're setting because you're enabling him.

So he work 40 hours a week and you work 168 hours a week as there is no clocking off from parenting. Entitled prick

This!

He is taking the piss just like my ex did for years. I’ve recently separated and I feel so free.
Take the time off, have yourself scheduled me time, have a pamper bath and lock the door don’t ask for it take it until he gets used to it. Go for long walk by yourself and do not ask for it.

He's taking the p155

3 brief comments. There is an American game called Fair Play and you and your partner use it to help you think about who does what to even things up. (There is also a documentary you can watch to go along with it).

Second the ons website has a calculator to calculate how much it would cost your partner to hire in the roles you are doing- so child care, cleaning, cooking etc. It'll astound you.

Lastly, buy one large laundry basket per person- when clothes are dry, throw each person's in plus one for linen etc and then present to them. If your husband wants it folded he can or he can throw into a drawer or live out of a basket. When children are old enough they can put away there's.

so, he works more hours outside of the house than you do. if you're doing housework and childcare in the time you've got back, and he's still working, then when he comes back, you've both worked the same amount of time, and anything that needs doing outside of that time should be equally his responsibility.

I assume you have the children when you aren’t working, yes? So you are saving the household money by not working and doing childcare.
You might not be bringing money in but you are saving it. He is only being a great dad as hes had time to relax and recharge at your expense.

Do the online shop. If he isn’t happy, he can do it.
Dont cook or clean for him. If your “job” is the kids, that doesn’t include him.

It really depends. If your kids are in childcare/school and you have 3 days in the week ‘off’ you should be able to get all the housework done. If your kids are at home your job is childcare and the housework should be shared more evenly (if your kids nap you could get some done then etc. so maybe not 50:50).

Ugh. Fucking men

If I were working 5 days a week, I would expect my part-time spouse to do most of the housework
What do you use your days off to do?
You need to be doing shopping on-line.

There is a method you could try to make sure you both get down time that involves setting up 2 jars and putting an equal number of marbles (3-5) in each. If DH goes out (to the gym, to the pub, for a run, to play sport, meet friends etc) then he takes a marble out of his jar and puts it in yours. If you go out, you take a marble out of your jar and put it in his. When you have no more marbles in your jar, you can't go out - it is the other parent's turn to go out for some down time. It is a visual way of reminding your DH that you haven't had any time to yourself (school runs, food shops and ferrying DC to clubs don't count as you "going out")

Maybe try that?

I have experienced similar. I am learning to down tools at the weekend (don’t put washing on, hoover, clean). On my non-working days during the week m, I do house related stuff until he arrives home. Then I expect him to share (helping kids with homework, Cook dinner, bedtimes, run kids to classes). For a while DH became a master of avoidance (went swimming 1x week after work, pub 1xweek, kids football training 1 x week. This left me with the lions share at home on evenings and weekends. He just thought that as I was home most nights and weekends, (because I was too tired or thought homework and bedtimes for the DC were more important than my needs)* *that he had free rein to make other arrangements and he didn’t proactively do the mental load stuff (like understanding what is happening at school /homework etc and needs supporting). I tried talking about it (was perceived by him as my martyrdom or my frustration at not having hobbies like him). I tried being more vocal (asked him to do his hobbies/pub nights at better times and not come home late on school nights). These approaches had a marginal impact. I started actually noting to myself how much he and I were contributing to the family each day. It was very unbalanced and heading towards him becoming an exDH as I was pretty hacked off. Not particularly relevant, but before anyone asks, we earn and contribute to finances equally. So now, another approach: I have my own hobbies (1x week night), other is only 1x monthly. If he is out at the weekends doing a hobby, so am I (even if that is taking DC to cinema, it beats washing clothes and cleaning the house). This has by far had the most impact (there is no magical weekend clearance of the the Friday night takeaway, no magical disappearing school uniform ironing pile, everything is where it was left the night before). When he is busy with hobbies at weekends and evenings (or out with a dc) so am I. If the kids are occupied and he is watching tv, I read a book. If the kids need occupying, I get him involved (or take the dog for a walk so he has to deal with it).
I feel so much better and he pulls his weight more (because he has too). If he hasn’t been around much because of his hobbies, I might put my feet up for a couple of hours on my non-working days and watch tv without feeling guilty. Sounds pedantic and it is is, but it does work for me.

If I were working part time to spend time with my kids, I’d spend time with my kids. The 5yo prob goes to school but I assume the 2yo is home with the op. There is no way I’d do all or even most of the housework in two days at home doing the school run for my 5yo and parenting my 2yo. I’d definitely do some; which the op does. And if my dp was grumpy about minding the dc while I shopped but didn’t want me to shop online he would do the shop every week for a month with both dc with him. I think he’d have to apologise very genuinely at the end of the month or that could stay his permanent Saturday activity too, that’s called fucking around and finding out.

Is working part time affecting your work / career?

Is his career benefitting from you being at home more?

Tell him you’re going back to work full time so you can have weekends off to recharge and go to the gym etc. Tell him he needs to sit down with you and agree split of household chores, shopping, laundry etc Then everything is 50/50 fair because funnily enough he has 50% responsibility for the kids/house/marriage!

But when she’s not in paid employment, she’s working doing childcare! Why does that translate to him getting evenings and weekends off and she doesn’t?

and cooking, cleaning up after meals etc still has to happen at the weekend. Why does she have to do it and he doesn’t? What has her PT got to do with family labour when they’re both home?

If he's going to be a childish, selfish prick about everything then he doesn't get to dictate where or how you do the shopping! Order it to be delivered - anything to make your 'job' a little easier. You need to start pushing back - he's taking the piss. And he's not a good dad if he's treating you like a domestic slave, minimising your feelings & opinions and only has his kids in small doses!!

hows it going now @intpark21 did you talk and did he actually listen.

This was my relationship. It's now over. I am now a single mum and have half the workload! I'm not suggesting you split up but make it clear that you won't be a slave. Next time youre going to tesco he can watch the kids or you just won't be going. If you allow it he will carry on!

When I had a 2 year old I started doing click and collect. That way I could refuse substitutions or know if something was going to be missing then I could plan a quick dive into another shop if needed..most the time all was OK. I found asda more reliable than Tesco

He needs to do more.... even when I was on maternity leave my husband still did the cooking, helping with washing, general tidying. Even more so when I was working part time with 2 children because of the mental load as well as everything else.