Strange behaviour of school friend mum

[Kikili]

I had a strange interaction with a mum at school. Our kids are good friends at school so she invited my child to her house for a playdate. I have never met her and I thought the playdate would naturally include me coming over to her house as we are talking about 4 year old kids here. Anyway, I went to pick my child up from school and when she realized I was coming along she panicked and cancelled the play date.
Im not sure how anyone would feel ok with sending a 4 year old alone to a strangers house...am I overeacting in thinking there's something strange going on?

Odd. That would really put me off. Most likely just that the house was a bit of a mess or something but no way I'd be trusting her with my kid til I'd been round and knew her a bit better

It is a bit odd. Not nefarious, like I doubt she had bad intentions, but I wouldn’t expect a 4 year old to go on a play date for the first time at someone’s house without a parent being there. Maybe her house was a state and she was embarrassed or something like that.

No, I don’t think there is likely to have been any sinister intent. She’s probably like those Mners who struggle socially and freeze in horror at the idea of a visitor to their home. She’d probably, unrealistically, formed the idea in her head that you wouldn’t expect to come, and, as you say, panicked and cancelled because she literally couldn’t handle making conversation.

It'll be to do with her living conditions - nothing on you and i don't think it's anything to worry about.

Thanks for your answers. There is a part 2 to this. That same day, I texted her to say we can arrange a play date at her convenience, either at hers or mine, and she responded by saying that her son cried himself to sleep because the playdate was cancelled and that she'll let me know and of course have not heard from her since.

It is usually confirmed by the parent that they are included too.
My 4 year old wouldn't be going anywhere with someone I didn't know.
Perhaps her house was a mess and she hadn't thought it through.

At first I thought she'd probably have been stressed because she wasn't expecting to have to make conversation with another mum

This is a bit weird - how long ago was this?

Maybe she's a scatterbrain?

I wouldn't think too much of it, i think pp are right and she's sorting out her house

Her house was probably a mess or she didn’t have any coffee/snacks in.

I wouldn’t overthink it.

It happened a while back, months ago.

The norm here once they’re in school is that parents don’t go on play dates. It seems like you just expected different things. I wouldn’t particularly want to be making conversation with the parent.

Has your child had other play dates? Do you know what the norm is in your area/ for your school? It would be highly unusual for a parent to go along here.

Did she think you were cancelling the play date when you turned up to collect from school?

It sounds like she just doesn’t want to do play dates if you’re wanting to go along too. You might have to leave it until they’re older and you’re comfortable with that happening?

Oh okay 😬

I think she's just awkward and her house needs decorating

I've been telling one mum that I'm gonna bring her to my house as soon as my carpets get replaced and I finish decorating my hallway, both fingers crossed happening next month, so I'm sure it's just that

Don't worry yourself or make a big deal out of it, no need for stress at the school gates - if she brings it up again, I'd just say I'm not comfortable leaving her just yet. Yanbu though

I think if she’s in primary then it’s normal for the parent not to attend so I’d assume she planned to do something while the dc played (like her online shop order or sorting drawers/washing)

And you've been chewing on this for months and months?

Have you invited the kid to your house in the meantime?

I'd take it as just crossed wires and it wouldn't have worked for her for whatever reason, messy house, supposed to be working from home, hates small talk...

In future I'd always clarify the exact arrangements beforehand, as people do have wildly different ideas about this type of thing.
I remember a particularly awkward 6th birthday party which was bowling then a pizza/burgers next door to the bowling. I simply hadn't realised all the parents and in some cases multiple relations would assume they were also invited which was fine for the bowling but they also followed us to the restaurant and attempted to lurk around behind us while we had the food, getting in the way and pissing off the staff.
I ended up paying for them all to have a coffee and cake at a cafe two doors down and I could tell some weren't comfortable with it.

I would never leave a child under 10 years old alone at a stranger's house. Anything could happen, from a dog bite, to a weird relative hanging around. Where Im from it certainly is not the norm.

If you read my answers you'd know.

I'd not think anything of it really. There are loads of people who are anxious/uncomfortable around people and others who are ashamed of their homes or being judged about their cleanliness etc. It was just a misunderstanding about what you both expected. If she doesn't want to arrange anything that's fine, you've asked and left the ball in her court. Say hi at the gates and forget it happened.

Then you’re not going to be able to have play dates with this particular friend 🤷‍♀️

Im ok with her at school but she seems to be getting out of her way to avoid eye contact. I did not want to gossip with other mums that know her about this and make it worse for her in case she's going through some issues...

That's fine by me.

That's absolutely fine. 10 is old for an accompanied play date for me personally, and when mine were at primary would have been very unusual unless the parents were friends and socialising, but you are allowed to have your own boundaries.

Then why this post?!

My 9 year old would be horrified if I attempted to join her on a play date

Because I find it odd that she expected a 4 yo alone in her home, when we never even spoke at school before she invited my son over thru the intermediary of my husband. And I do not want to discuss this with other school mums to avoid her embarassment.