Strange behaviour of school friend mum

[Kikili]

I had a strange interaction with a mum at school. Our kids are good friends at school so she invited my child to her house for a playdate. I have never met her and I thought the playdate would naturally include me coming over to her house as we are talking about 4 year old kids here. Anyway, I went to pick my child up from school and when she realized I was coming along she panicked and cancelled the play date.
Im not sure how anyone would feel ok with sending a 4 year old alone to a strangers house...am I overeacting in thinking there's something strange going on?

I wouldn't leave my 5 year old at a stranger's for a play date, but staying with a 10 year old is taking it way too far. I'm an 80s child and was cycling alone to the next village to go my friend's house by 8!

Would you send your 9 yo alone to a perfect strangers house?

It will probably have been that her house was a mess and/ or her husband was working or around and is anti social and she didn't expect you to rock up too. If you don't know the family and are uncomfortable with your child going there alone then say no. I wouldn't be accompanying my kid on an after school playdate though. For context mine were probably about 7 before I let them go on playdates with school friends.

Im fine with a 10 year old or 9 year old at some friend's house without me being there...but not at a stranger's house. Im an 80ies child too and times have changed since. Someone I know had a child assaulted by the husband of a friend, during a sleepover. These things happen, unfortunately..

Because I find it odd that she expected a 4 yo alone in her home, when we never even spoke at school before she invited my son over thru the intermediary of my husband. And I do not want to discuss this with other school mums to avoid her embarassment.

I don't think it's odd for a parent of a four year old to entertain another four year old and presuming your husband is your child's other parent then that isn't an issue either.
What was the arrangement he discussed with her?
Does he share your boundaries regarding DC? If not I'd prompt him pretty quickly because DH often came home from pick up either with no child or an extra child after an impromptu play date being arranged on the yard.

It’s not odd of her to invite a school friend home for tea. And she asked the child’s parent (your DH)? Was DH happy for your child to go?

From her point of view, it might seem odd that your DH said yes to a play date and then you turned up saying you weren’t happy for your child to go, and her child would have been looking forward to his friend coming and very upset? And so she now doesn’t want much to do with you? She probably thinks you’re the odd one. Surely you can see both sides of this!

Where I'm from thankfully it's normal to accompany play dates for children so young. I wouldn't trust my 5yo to go anywhere without me except with close family. I find it odd and scary that some parents would be so trusting of strangers considering the amount of regular stories on the news 🤔

Well she cancelled it, though. ? I would dislike the implied recrimination there, as if it's your fault.

I would not want my 4 year old to go to her house I'm afraid. That interaction alone is enough for me.

I think different schools and different areas have different norms. My children went to a village primary where everyone knew each other. Even if we didn’t know the family well, we would have known them through others. Other schools, you might not know the parents at all and it might be the norm to accompany them at 4. At 10, though, I think your child will really suffer socially if you want to go along. I have a dc who due to additional needs wasn’t happy to go alone and the invitations dried up at about 8 or so as a result.

Did she move to the UK from another country? There are some countries where this is normal and joining your child on a play date is considered weird

But the op was the one who turned up unexpectedly saying she wasn’t happy for her child to go?

What regular news stories?

But it's not a stranger's house is their friend's house 🙄
A 9 year old having to be accompanied by a parent on a play date is crazy!!
I've had kids to my house at 4 without parents.

I don't think I've been on any of my kids playdates

Why would you be concerned about something that happened months a go, not sure what’s stranger, this woman, or you for stewing on this for months. Very odd OP.

From op original post- Anyway, I went to pick my child up from school and when she realized I was coming along she panicked and cancelled the play date.

Op didn't refuse!

I think you’ll have to chalk this one up to the mum being a bit weird. Sounds like she was trying to guilt trip you for “ruining” things and expecting to come along too?

If anything, I’d treat her annoyance as a red flag. If the house was a tip I wouldn’t want my child going over there either.

FWIW it was not the norm to allow four year olds to go on unaccompanied play dates at that age when my kids were younger. Absolutely no way.

I wouldn't leave a 4 year old but by the end of reception, I'd met enough parents at parties and school drop offs/pick ups that I happily let my children go on unaccompanied playdates from year 1 onwards. They usually sent a photo or two on whattsapp showing they're happily settled.

I would let my 9 year old go to their friend from schools house without me yes. Even if I didn’t know the parents well. I would message them so they have my number and confirm times etc.

I don't have time to trawl through the Internet to find them, would be lovely to have nothing else to do eh? Do you honestly think it's safe to leave a 4 year old in the care of a stranger?

@Kikili From what I’ve seen of dgc and friends , my DDs and their husbands know the parents socially as well. So if the kids became friends in school, mum ( usually mum to start with) would be invited for a cup of tea after school, kids played, mums chatted. Then DD another time would offer to pick up both kids from school, give them tea. Pattern reciprocated with other child’s parent/s.
Theres now a pattern of maybe a couple of lads coming home with dgs who DD or her husband feed , take to sport activity and then they or another parent pick up and drop kids home. So it’s a gradual process and you know the home set up and the family. If it’s your first child leaving your 4 year old with a stranger when you don’t know if they have a dog/dogs, let their child play outside near a road , leave their child for 5 minutes while they nip to the corner shop, is all very daunting.

You could start the ball rolling OP by inviting the mum and maybe another with their kids for a cuppa while the kids play.