Strange behaviour of school friend mum

[Kikili]

I had a strange interaction with a mum at school. Our kids are good friends at school so she invited my child to her house for a playdate. I have never met her and I thought the playdate would naturally include me coming over to her house as we are talking about 4 year old kids here. Anyway, I went to pick my child up from school and when she realized I was coming along she panicked and cancelled the play date.
Im not sure how anyone would feel ok with sending a 4 year old alone to a strangers house...am I overeacting in thinking there's something strange going on?

No one gets a vote on this except for you and your husband of course but there's no chance I'm entertaining parents of my kids' friends at 10 years old. My kids had dropoff playdates from nursery age and it was a fabulous opportunity to spend 1:1 time with my other kid, get some stuff done, do some work, whatever. I have never loved anything as much as the start of fully dropoff playdates. Every now and again of course I might have a coffee with another parent but it definitely wasn't the norm. Just worth being clear from the start as it sounds like she talked to your husband and he wasn't.

No one said to ignore the children.

With dd the first time she ever went on a play date in reception year, so age 4, I did accompany her to the friend’s house and then the mum to mine another time. We just had a cup of tea both times and left after maybe half an hour. I don’t think I did this with any other mum, I got to know the parents and we were fine to let the parent pick up our child or vis versa.

Age 10 is really extreme. By 10 kids are marauding around often going from one house to another. Children need free time and time when they’re not being constantly monitored.

What????

You'd accompany your child every time they went to play at a friend's house?

I have an 8 year old and there is just one mum in the class who insists on coming for play dates. She knows me well by now. But as a result I cannot invite her child because I don’t have two free hours to sit and chat with her.

If I attempted to take my now teenager to a play date at 10 he would have rolled his eyes. By 11 he was making his own way to school. On public transport!

I have my 6 year old DDs friends here alone in my house all the time and she goes to her friends without me but these are solid friendships over reception and year one.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable my child going to someone's house for the first time without me at 4 years old.

You say she arranged it via your DH. Is there any chance she fancies your DH and was hoping he was going to come?

Well you’d keep an eye obvs but it’s about the kids. That’s what we did when I was a kid and when my sons were small. Unless it was a particular friend no mums were involved

Why is it odd to post about something that’s clearly been on her mind for quite a while, is there a time limit on wanting to discuss past events?

There is no way that I would have left my children with a stranger at that age, and no one I did play dates with when they were four would have done either.

Think nothing more of it. Unless it’s very explicitly not part of your local culture it is totally normal and expected to attend a play date with your child at that age.

We attended all in reception - and only dropped off once we knew the family in year one and up. Even in year 1-2 I’d invite a parent in for a cup of tea / it would be normal to hang for a quick chat at drop off just to make sure everything ok!

this is very much a her issue. The fact that she followed up by trying to put the emotional blame on you somehow - and then silence - is not your problem to solve. You’re not a social worker. Focus on play dates with parents who can meet you half way and make sensible / practical arrangements that they stick to!

Same! Both my sons went to school on their own in year 6 because once they went to secondary they’d be going on the bus on their own anyway. I can’t see the difference between July (at primary) and September (at secondary).

There's no general rule here IME. Both of my DCs had playdates at houses without me being there when they were 4-5.

However, you do encounter the odd batshit parent and no primary school age (and maybe even lower secondary) would be ok for me given their idea of what is 'adequate supervision' (seatbelts optional, anyone?! Date night when you have a house full of kids 9-13, supervised by the 13 year old?) Unfortunately it's possible you find out these things by trial and error.

This isn't the 80s.

Is she a complete stranger or does your husband know her if she invited through him? I think the point regarding 8/9 year olds in a strangers house is a bit moot as you would have generally been at the school for a few years so would know a fair few parents naturally by then.

I don't think anyone was particularly wrong here. Just different expectations really. I wouldn't expect anyone to be coming home with me for an after school play date really and I wouldn't be a fan of having to entertain a parent when I thought I'd be getting on while the kids played.

Yes you are overreacting to something strange going on - you have different ideas she is happy and you are not. Both are valid depends on the children (mine took awhile to be comfortable to go without me DD was 6 maybe and DS I think was similar maybe even 7 in Year 2). Same with sleepovers (thiugh neither like them now at 15 and 12)

by the time you hit Year 1/2 they are r strangers they are your child friends parents you see at school etc

I'm struggling to see how someone would get into this situation when pickup is via school. In our school (as I think is standard) kids that age are only released to a named contact. Parents need to let teachers know if someone else is picking up, even another parent. So that would have been discussed.

Even if that's not the case at your school surely your oh and her would have diffused timings, whether child was to be dropped off or picked up etc. Is it possible your oh agreed something totally different?

I'm really curious as to how the conversation went, when she cancelled.

Who the fuck expects a 4 yr old to go to their home on their own unless they know the family really well; even then ...

Very weird.

Can you describe the panicked situation? I’m wondering if she thought it was cancelled because you turned up for pick-up. She seems to think it’s your fault.

(As an aside “my child is crying themselves to sleep because of you” is a massive sign of a Cheeky Fucker. She hasn’t done any cheeky fuckery here but I bet she’s one of them.)

Has your child had any play dates since this?

If your kids want a play date sounds like you maybe need to suggest a park or soft play rather than a house.

Not the norm to accompany here.
some of the more savvy mums (and ones with bigger houses!!) did early play dates in reception, they did them in school holidays with the parents in tow. Good way to gauge the parents for unaccompanied ones

Odd behaviour. When young, I always assume parents will come, unless we know them well. My dd has had a few friends come over when the parents did not stay and even her best friend for a sleepover at ours age 4. But, we know the parents since girls were age 2 and several play dates and meet up all of us together. If it's the first play date, then parents always welcome...but after that they mostly happy to drop them off.

100% agree with this. I wouldn't allow my 13 year old son or daughter to anyone's house until I've met parents and seen the set up.

I'd expect the same back. Kids parents have always wanted to meet me and see my home before allowing their child here. It's a no brainer.

Just think (for those disagreeing) your child might have been friends with Sara Sharif.

Of course.
I was being flippant because I found it ridiculous for the poster I was replying to suggest there were regular news stories about children being harmed on play dates when my Google found different but there were multiple accounts of teachers abusing pupils.

Anecdotally over four children and multiple years of play dates both supervised by me and where my children have been in the 'care or strangers' the two children I know who have been seriously hurt while playing at a friends house (one broken bone on a trampoline and one car accident) where when the parent of the child was also there.

Nasty. I assume you've never experienced social anxiety. That isn't a reason to sneer at it.

OP, I haven't RTFT but my immediate thought was that she's probably panicking her house isn't tidy enough!