Strange behaviour of school friend mum

[Kikili]

I had a strange interaction with a mum at school. Our kids are good friends at school so she invited my child to her house for a playdate. I have never met her and I thought the playdate would naturally include me coming over to her house as we are talking about 4 year old kids here. Anyway, I went to pick my child up from school and when she realized I was coming along she panicked and cancelled the play date.
Im not sure how anyone would feel ok with sending a 4 year old alone to a strangers house...am I overeacting in thinking there's something strange going on?

I would never leave a child under 10 years old alone at a stranger's house. Anything could happen, from a dog bite, to a weird relative hanging around. Where Im from it certainly is not the norm.

I am a foster carer, and despite children's services usually being over protective, I would be in huge trouble if I insisted on accomanying a foster child to a playdate. I have also never had another parent stay with their child on a playdate from school age onwards.

The problem is with her OP, she's probably quite anxious or self conscious about her house. I'd be sympathetic to her. It's very normal to accompany a 4yo on a play date.

They go solo long before 10 though, so I'd wrap your head around that. I wouldn't accompany my 6yo's to a playdate with anyone in her class unless the mum and I were friends and we were going to enjoy a meet up too. (Well, she has allergies which complicates things, but aside from that.)

God I agree. Bonkers!

I can’t remember what happened in reception. Maybe I only did play dates with my friends so we chatted and drank a glass of wine whilst the kids played. I certainly wouldn’t have sat for hours making small talk with someone I didn’t know.

From yr1 they were definitely going alone. But you would had some knowledge of who these people were.

Far too many overprotective parents on here.

I’m sure she assumed you weren’t going and didn’t fancy you hanging around. Just need clearer communication from both sides next time.

This.

Though we didn't do any after school play dates until year 1.

Each to their own but personally I'd prefer to have all the playdates BEFORE recarpeting and redecorating so I could keep my house pristine just for me a bit longer 😂.

When my dc were at primary we’d just tell the teacher ‘he’s going home with Archie today’ and text the parent to ask what time to collect., or they’d bring them home after tea.

I think you will really stunt your child's friendship circle if you insist on accompanying them on play dates at age 7 - 9, I doubt they would get invited beyond the first time if you insisted on this. By the end of reception I knew most of the school mums from pick up and parties. I probably see them more often than my friends, we all WhatsApp and sometimes meet for coffee or wine.

My DD has had school friends over for sleepovers at age 7, and started sleeping at her best friend’s house at a similar age. It’s very common to do unaccompanied play dates after school in reception here.

I meant refusing to let him go without her.

This point may be a little too close to the bone for me this week.

Sigh...

<Googles replacement bed slats>

There is nothing strange going on. Different people just have different views on when they feel it is appropriate for young children to go on play dates alone.

She didn't expect you to be joining and maybe feels a bit self conscious about her home (entirely innocent things like size, state of garden, decor, hasn't washed her windows!) and that you might judge her. I wouldn't overthink it.

But I agree with you, I would not leave a 4 year old on a play date with someone I did not know well. Too young.

@10storeylovesong "
There has been an example where I work. Someone has tried to grab an 11 year old girl on the way the school."

It's important to remember that these incidents, usually involving a white van, are almost invariably exaggeration, misunderstanding, a family conflict or entirely made up. I would say invariably, but nothing is impossible.

It doesn't make any difference what other people do, you do what you feel comfortable with regarding your children. What's the purpose of posting about this months later? She feels a bit awkward? So leave her be!

I can’t imagine that accompanying a 10 year old when they visit a friend’s house to play will do anything for the child’s confidence, no matter how shy they might be.

To be honest we can't really deduce from op's post how it was phrased. Did op say "oh you're not taking my child to your house without me" or " ok, let's all head over to your place" and then the other mum freaked and withdrew? Hopefully op can come back to the thread and clear up a few posters questions 🙂

Jesus that’s appalling. I can understand your caution.

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No YANBU. I wouldn’t let my 4yo go to a stranger’s (M or F) home without me . it’s different if she’s a close friend or a long standing arrangement
Its most likely her not thinking but I certainly wouldn’t risk my child’s safety
Her behaviour afterwards may have been from embarrassment or annoyance but it could ( unlikely I know) be because you stopped her in her tracks
Either way she’s continuing to behave oddly so you were probably right not to entrust your DS to her unsupervised care . The fact that her DS was upset is on her , not you .

I would have texted her back and said ‘it’s a shame he cried himself to sleep, did you explain to him why you cancelled? BTW why was the play date cancelled?’

How exactly have times changed since the eighties?

That does depend, if the alternative is them never going anywhere, and your hope is that they will become confident to go alone.

We’re more cautious with our children safety

No way , why would she just assume you'd let her pick up a 4 year old without talking about it first? You are supposed to inform the school anyway if someone else will be doing pick up. Is it likely she didn't assume she'd be picking up your child on her own but just forgot about the whole play date altogether? Strange that nothing was mentioned before school pick up , like we still OK for a play date today etc

You’re quite right. Children are at far greater risk from people they know than a random stranger in the street.

If it’s bothering you @Kikili you could just reply and say ‘we were also disappointed when you cancelled, but just to let you know I would always attend the first play date to make sure ny DC settled ok. Please don’t think I was only doing that because it’s you’ or something. And you could say ‘you’re welcome at mine as well as your DC’

I'd be inclined to think there has been a misunderstanding OP. Was it first arranged via your DH? I can see why she may have been confused if she said she'd pick up and take them back to hers for tea and then you turned up and she panicked a bit. I'd probably send another invite (if they are still friends) or suggest a park meet up. I've always found it far easier to keep on good terms with the school mums.

Parents obviously have different views about when is suitable to leave their child at a playdate and it depends on so much other stuff, past experience, type of community you live in, your child's personality etc. My experience of play dates is that at 4 you would usually go as well, unless you knew the parent really well and then they start to go by themselves at 6 or 7. I did a birthday party at home for all the boys in DS's class when he was 7 and we had just moved to the area so didn't really know any of the parents and they all came and happily dropped off.