Strange behaviour of school friend mum

[Kikili]

I had a strange interaction with a mum at school. Our kids are good friends at school so she invited my child to her house for a playdate. I have never met her and I thought the playdate would naturally include me coming over to her house as we are talking about 4 year old kids here. Anyway, I went to pick my child up from school and when she realized I was coming along she panicked and cancelled the play date.
Im not sure how anyone would feel ok with sending a 4 year old alone to a strangers house...am I overeacting in thinking there's something strange going on?

By the age of nine school friends patents tend not be complete strangers. You'll have intel on them
Whereabouts they live
seen them at parties
Seen them at school events
Probably meet at out-of-school clubs

My children were going for "tea" at other classmates houses at 5. So I obviously don't give a shit about the welfare of my children.

And the statistical likelihood of that.....?

If you seriously expect to be going along on play dates till your child is 10, they are simply not going to happen and you will really curtail your child's social life. For most parents, they get to know their child's friends' parents fairly naturally through chatting at school collecting time and, possibly, going with their child initially when they are very young, but once you know the parents surely you can make a judgment whether you trust them or not?

In this instance, when the arrangement was made you should have asked the mother whether it would be OK for you to go, rather than just assumed. That way she'd have had time to get ready and everything would have been fine.

I think it’s odd as it sounds like this event has just happened but then says it happened months a go. I don’t know what OP is going to achieve from this thread as the event is long gone and has clearly blown over by now. I wouldn’t let my child go either.

By 9, your child will have known their friends long enough for their parents to not still be ‘perfect strangers’ to you.

I can only think her house is a mess. Or maybe they smoke indoors and they know you'd think that was out of order? But hoping the child wouldn't notice?
Four is too young to go alone unless the friends parents are very close with you.

I get thinking you would go at 4 - but at 7.8.9 it's a bit old imo. If you want to do this, I would suggest more of a day out thing at an event or park with another mum as I wouldn't want to go and sit in a house on a play date after school at that age. Up to you it's your prerogative but I think that would work better.

Odd that she would cancel the Play date the n say he was crying himself to sleep but I would think it's a messy house, social anxiety type thing and being caught on the hop.

You could invite her to yours for coffee cake and a play date another time if it's something you want to encourage

She's probably assumed as she's got her own cold that she's perfectly able to look after yous too, so the kids can play and she can carry on without having to entertain a guest as such.

Your message about crying to sleep makes me think she thinks you cancelled the play date though. That she saw you and you said something to imply the play date wouldn't be happening. What was the actual conversation when she saw you?

Surely the response was

But you were the one who cancelled it.

You might change that to 7/8/9 once your DC reaches that age and has a nice little friendship group! At 10 mine goes out on his own and calls for his friends and they hang out with no parents!! There is definitely an in-between stage! There's one or two parents I wouldn't let my child go to the home of, even now he's 10, but it's pretty rare for play dates to include parents much beyond the age of 7 or 8...

I wonder if there is something going on in her house like a husband hanging around who she knows is going to act inappropriately to any other woman going into her house.

Or she has severe jealousy of you meeting her husband and having an affair with him

I'm agog at some of these replies. No wonder so many kids lack resilience if Mummy is assisting on accompanying them on playdates until they are well into secondary school 🤦🏼‍♀️

Round here it would be seen as very unusual for you to join in with a play date when in school. Possibly in reception but only if explicitly discussed first!

Just think (for those disagreeing) your child might have been friends with Sara Sharif

That's kind of like never going to the Doctor because of Harold Shipman.

I was thinking it sounds like she thinks you cancelled too! If that's what she thinks, she'll b waiting for you to invite! Why don't you invite her and her little.one round to your house for the afternoon and provide coffee and get to know her! Then she'll probably return the offer

It depends. If your child is confident and sensible then no you don’t need to accompany them everywhere

However if your child is shy and young for their age then being there for them till they grow in confidence is building their resilience

I strongly suspect you have not given the full story here. She is clearly behaving as if you cancelled the play date so either there has been a misunderstanding or you are not telling the full story. Can you relay exactly how the conversation went in the playground on the day of the play date?

In case that's aimed at me - I wouldn't be accompanying the child to the person's house at secondary school.

My kids went on dozens of playdates alone in primary school and this woman sounds odd - who knows what is going on with her.

But it isn't entirely crazy to want to have a steer on someone's parenting style.

I did have a case where my daughter was invited for a sleep over in late primary and the mother mentioned (thankfully before we agreed) that she and her husband might be planning "to go out for a bit" while the 13 year old supervised. No.

Not something you'd ever think to ask beforehand though. She was also the one who thought no seatbelts were okay in her car.

I definitely wouldn’t send a 4 year old to someone’s house who I didn’t know well/ have never met but I’m sure some people would, if that’s what she was expecting then I can understand her panicking and cancelling. I also wouldn’t want a parent I didn’t know to come to my house but I’d happily meet at soft play etc.

It's the norm where I am for kids to go on playdates without parents once they're in school, unless the child really objects (which would be strange past reception). I think you need to cut this parent some slack and maybe just recognise you have very different attitudes, and that yours is towards the extreme end. Trust me, your child will not thank you if you are still accompanying them on playdates until they are 10! It also suggests you don't trust the other parents an inch, which isn't going to win you any friends

Sounds like you don't know what you expect in terms of response here - you say "no child under 10 to have a playdate without supervision, to "I'd be happy for a 9yo to have an unsupervised playdate". Maybe time to move on from this - and with all due respect - good luck telling a 8yo you'll be tagging along.

@Kikili Is this the other mums first kid? Maybe she’s new to all the play date stuff and it had just not occurred to her that a parent would accompany the child and when it was apparent you planned on attending as well, she did as you said and panicked. I admit I’d probably feel a bit awkward being forced to make small talk with a parent I’d never met before for a long period of time in my home. But then likewise like you would expect to accompany a 4 year old, so I see it from both sides.
Dont think I’m being snarky OP, but why are you posting this now when you say this happened some time ago? I’m just interested.
And have you invited their kid over in the meantime?

going to playdate with 9-10 year old?! :D that’s a bit precious OP, but probably because yours is just 4 so you are not able to see passed this age yet. Believe me they change very quickly.

Once mine were at school, once I knew the parents and been to their house, met them at birthday parties, they came to mine etc, I had no problem (read: was very pleased to have some free time) leaving them. That happened probably around end of year 1.

(No sleepovers though, that’s different and where I start to get precious!)

Sounds entirely normal for a mumsnetter....