Strange behaviour of school friend mum

[Kikili]

I had a strange interaction with a mum at school. Our kids are good friends at school so she invited my child to her house for a playdate. I have never met her and I thought the playdate would naturally include me coming over to her house as we are talking about 4 year old kids here. Anyway, I went to pick my child up from school and when she realized I was coming along she panicked and cancelled the play date.
Im not sure how anyone would feel ok with sending a 4 year old alone to a strangers house...am I overeacting in thinking there's something strange going on?

OP i totally support you. I wouldn't send my child to a strangers home alone either.

Which is fine and reasonable

wjat isn’t is the overreaction that something strange is going on and something sinister is at play

I felt like this when my eldest was 4. It’s much easier to say yabu from the perspective of having older dc. But as you get to know other parents the reins loosen naturally. Or not in some cases - in some cases I hosted a lot more when I didn’t trust the dp’s judgement or knew they were partial to a bit of day drinking.

On my first school play date, I had the opposite experience, assuming that the dps would stay on play dates, but they didn’t. Often these were dc with older siblings, so their expectations had changed a bit. I had another mum who turned down my offer of a play date but asked me to hers instead - she was on her fifth pregnancy at that point and when she finally came to mine it was with all the dc because they moved as a unit.

Op, how did the conversation go though? You rock up at the house, child with you and she just cancels? Did you question this or ask her why

She came to yours with 5 dc 😱?! what did you do?

School mates aren't "perfect strangers"

You will get to know them through parties, school gates, socialising, school events

Then you let your kid go over for a couple of hours after school

This. My DD and DS used to go on playmates without me, although I did know the mums fairly well. Looking back, I think I went into very few of their friends' homes, and most of them didn't come into mine, although I certainly wouldn't have minded if they had.

What I don’t understand about this initial ‘set up’ of said play date

Why did OP just ‘assume’ she was coming? So on the play date day .. OP goes all the way to school as if any other day to pick up her DC and the ‘strange mum’ (as OP calls her) does the same.
The both wait outside the reception class to pick up each of their DC.

Op sees ‘strange mum’ and says ‘hi Sandra! me and my LO can’t wait to come now to yours!’

then what? Does OP expect to follow them to the mums car ? Does she leave her own car behind? Or (unbeknownst to us on MN) it’s a ‘given’ that both OP and this mum live minutes from the school and both walk?

OP - why didn’t you text/whattsapp this mum
and ask if she was going to pick up her dc and your dc from school (a bit of an ‘over kill’ for two grown ups to do the school pick up imo !) did you ask for her address? Did you ask if DC would be staying for dinner?
Whenever I’ve done MANY play dates I’ve always asked the mum in a message

‘ Hi Ellie,
(My Ds) can’t wait for your DS to come over our next weds after school! Just checking - all is ok if I pick them both up and take them straight back to mine? Then a couple of hours later you pick him up? I’ll send address again just in case you don’t have it saved etc
Did you want to pop in on picking DS up on picking him up? For a drink .. or we can always arrange a Costa for a nice catch up in near future
Lastly does DS have any dietary requirements? Any allergies and any preferences as to his favourite foods?
Also if you could mention to our lovely teacher or call the school office that I’ll be picking up your DC that would be brilliant and much appreciated!
Thank you and catch up soon :)

Then if she was a mum like YOU OP and said ‘well actually I was thinking/hoping/assuming I’D be there the whole time ‘

I’d then re assess the whole play date ..
because a play date with the parent and play date without look completely different

play date without parent - house obviously cleaned like I would anyway but more focus on childproof tidy and clean and the front room would be more of a ‘games room’
arts and crafts on one small table , other games on another.. any consoles they may be interested in OR C beebies / amazon prime wirh a range of age appropriate choices to purchase for the LO’s .. then obviously they’re safe and I’d be putting together jugs of juices/squashes and lovely snacks .. then I’d be making them a lovely typical child’s dinner followed by pudding .. and during all this would update the mum on whattsapp wirh a fun smiling pic of the DC and that all is ok and to come at xyz time or whenever she’s ready

a play date WITH a parent .. I look like I’m organised, good under stress and pressure and very good at chatting away but it’s all an act and unless it’s one of my close friends or family I’d hate to ‘entertain’ a new mum while I’m over a hot stove cooking the dc a pizza or worrying about has she had enough coffees and such and such

the latter would never ever happen where I’m from (cusp
of london nice area but everyone busy ) as a) we’d go to a big play ball park and /or cinema and maybe even a quick happy meal or a nando’s or a prezzo etc or summer time - picnic in the park

or me and mum would realise our DC are becoming lovely little buddies so we’d go Costa and by the time said play date world happen there’d be no confusion or cross wires!

OP - this isn’t your fault or the other mums fault you both sound very new to this and somewhat naive (I’m assuming both of you - this is first borns?)

And your question about ‘would you let your 9 year old go to a strangers house?’ WELL one would hope OP that by the time your DC are 9 that none of the children OR the parents especially being parents of your dc friends - why and how could they be strangers?

Op next time don’t make assumptions and be crystal clear .. I’m a therapist and in all my years of practicing I will say this til I’m blue in the face ‘99 percent of life’s problems, peoples fall outs, breakups of friendships, breakdown of relationships always stem from complete lack of communication.. if we just put our egos and stubbornness to the side life wouldn’t be perfect but it would be a whole lot easier

Have a clean fresh start .. aim for a day in Feb half term and arrange a ‘get together’ with this mum and her DC .. worst case is you have a typical standard fun day for your dc and best case you could even make an amazing friend in this mum and a year from now you could be laughing (and not care if your houses are tidy or not ) about this confusing ‘play date’

@Carezzamiait was actually good fun, and she made them tidy up afterwards fortunately. It was loud though 😂

I think people just have very different judgements. I hosted my child’s 4th birthday at home (only a month in to term so did not know anyone well) and was shocked when some parents just said hi and bye at the door - one still needed her bum wiped!

Only one stayed and I’d catered for adults assuming they all would! A couple came in for 10/15 for a drink then left (assuming checking I was ok and my house was ok, as I would also do!)

I can understand not wanting an adult there for the whole time having to entertain/be polite. But I’d happily have someone in for a cup of tea then they can leave!

She is british and Im not.

School mate's PARENTS are perfect strangers if you've never spoken to them and do not even know their name. Which is what Im talking about here.

Actually a really good point by another poster, you say the mum looked shocked to see you - how were they going to pick up your child without permission, unless you or your DH had told the teacher that morning about the playdate? We can only release children to an adult we are told about by the child's parents, we cannot take the word of a child or the other parent.

Again to me it comes back to what did your DH agree to? I have a feeling he thought it would be fine...

Not sure what you are asking..no one gave her permission to pick my child up. My husband told her he'll check with me but never thought he'd mention I would be going along as where he's from it is an unspoken rule that a parent comes along to the first few play dates @ strangers house.

I could not text her if I dont know her name or number.

So that's why it seems strange she was surprised to see you. Surely you would have had to have gone to the school to get the child first, even if she then wasn't expecting you to go on the playdate.

I don't think either of you communicated this well at all. She could have asked you about pick up, which would then have given you chance to say you would be there too. Then there wouldn't have been this confusion.

I reckon if you'd seen her facial expression when I told her I was coming along , the way she went all red and wide eyed and literally started sweating....you'd be a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I just cant imagine someone would panick so much about their house being untidy, not in my world... Unless she is a proper hoarder. In which case Im glad my child never went to her house.

i think you are being weird about this. She obviously intended just to invite your kid; once she knew you were coming she felt awkward. Her face will have been wondering how to get out of it.
There’s nothing sinister, just a difference in expectations about the play date.

I guess you know many people who act like she does, I dont. For me this was the first trully awkard experience over nothing. Im not british maybe that why.

Not sure why you are shouting your reply at me, I was just asking a question.

Haha yes British people can become very socially awkward over very little. Its a cultural trait lol

The panic was because people have play dates so their kid plays with another child and they can get shit done or have 10 mins peace. A parent tagging along defeats the whole object so no wonder she cancelled.

But… it’s a bit young to expect this if you’ve never met the parent and don’t know the family. I left mine with parents we knew at church and nursery for short bursts, just for tea say, and built up from there. But I wouldn’t have left a child that young with an effective stranger. She was expecting too much, too soon.

Sounds like she's probably just socially awkward, but it's a bit silly of her to think you'd just leave your 4 year old with her when you don't know her. Particularly as she didn't have your contact details etc either!

It is strange, but more than likely down to social anxiety or something.

Love it🤣

Agree!!!