Strange behaviour of school friend mum

[Kikili]

I had a strange interaction with a mum at school. Our kids are good friends at school so she invited my child to her house for a playdate. I have never met her and I thought the playdate would naturally include me coming over to her house as we are talking about 4 year old kids here. Anyway, I went to pick my child up from school and when she realized I was coming along she panicked and cancelled the play date.
Im not sure how anyone would feel ok with sending a 4 year old alone to a strangers house...am I overeacting in thinking there's something strange going on?

Memory of particularly traumatic playdate - paint spattered on walls.

It was meant to be "washable" but large chunks of our paintwork came off when we made the attempt 😆.

same here

Oh God the carpets are bad though! 😅 it's gonna be such a faff but i can't put it off

Here parents would go along for the first play date, so I don't think you were unreasonable.

When my daughter was 2 and at a playgroup another mother invited us over and told me to bring my other daughter, who was 3 and at the same playgroup. We turned up - house was massive, gated. Anyway, she opened the door and introduced us to the nanny and left us in the kitchen while she did a personal training session in the (massive) hall next to us.

I was bemused to say the least.

People can have strange ideas about what is OK.

Oh heck...awkward

I can see why she cancelled but if i were her, id make it clear from the outset

"Would Charlie like to come to play? Ill collect from school and give them dinner and can you pick him up around 5pm? Here's my address"

Once the kids are of school age, they can go on a play date without you

Otherwise the invitation says would you and Charlie like to come round after school?

This.

I wouldn’t have let my 4 year old go to a house with people I didn’t know. Once we had met up and had a Chat and I knew he was ok with it then it might be something I would be happy to do afterwards. Maybe the invite was intended for your DH and you turning up scuppered her plans (just joking). If you would like your children to play perhaps invite her for a walk in the park together or a coffee at a soft play? Or just don’t give it another thought.

I agree with other posters. I think she panicked when she realised you were going along. I think if gets the impression you would need to be there she isn't keen. Not a reflection on you-perhaps many reasons. Once in school I wouldn't expect to accompany my children on a playdate however I understand your concern if you don't know the family well.

seriously you wouldn't let a 9 or 10 year old go on a playdate unless you considered the parent a friend?

wow - you have some long years of parenting ahead of you. this is not how playdates work.

I don't think there's anything 'sinister' - I would say most likely she felt anxious making conversation/hosting someone she doesn't know well for hours in her home.

I invited a child from DS' class for a playdate in y1 and when the parent dropped him off they asked if they could stay too - a bit awkward as I hadn't been expecting it and then had to spend three hours chatting and hosting someone I didn't know. Some people wouldn't mind, but others find it quite stressful.

Who's this 'we'?

Could it be that she didn't realise that you wanted to come too? When I was little (35+ years ago!) parents seemed a lot more relaxed about things. Any play dates I went on was just me at a friend's house, my mum didn't come along. Similarly birthday parties; they were always just a drop the kid off and leave kind of thing. It all seems very different these days. Perhaps she wasn't aware that parents stay for everything now?

I think it's just poor communication from both sides. She could have said I can pick both children up from school for the playdate to save you a job.
As your husband was the one she asked, there is the chance he agreed to this and once he realised you were unhappy with this decided to keep quiet and pretend she never said this?
That could explain her surprise at you wanted to go too.
Also having been invited on the playdate, maybe you could have approached the mum (who you say you don't really talk to) and said thanks for the invite and told her your intentions beforehand when checking the details your husband had given you.

I don't think there is anything sinister and I know if a parent was coming to mine I would make sure I tidied up more, put the airers with washing away and tried to make our small house more presentable.

I do think there is more to this which is being said, hence the long delay between the playdate and posting, and that the poster and their husband have differences in opinions for playdates (he was happy for child to go, mum has got annoyed).

My mum was the type to leave us with any old stranger, let people she barely knew have us, take us out.
I was sexually assaulted three different times by three different men before I was 12.

It does happen, and not just in the family home, perpetrated by family or close contacts. I can't believe what I'm reading here. It's well seen a lot of you were the lucky ones.

If the playdate was suggested to your DH... perhaps she thought/hoped that it would be your DH accompanying your DC at the playdate.

I do think it was her fault for not being clearer with the invite. And her later response about the kid crying was plain weird. So I’d avoid.

she invited my son over thru the intermediary of my husband.

I'm wondering if she maybe hoped your husband would come over instead....

What???? Just when I thought this thread couldn't get any more bonkers!! 😵‍💫😲

Maybe she thought it was OK to ask one of the child's parents a straight forward question. Why is he an intermediary @Kikili? Are you the only one allowed to make decisions?

No there’s nothing going on here. It’s just different expectations / boundaries . You expected to go along. She didn’t expect that.
they are not “perfect strangers” they are friend/ parents of friend from school. Having said that, at 4 and not knowing the parents at all, I would want to accompany as well- at least for the first part of the play date, but the other parent just had a different idea of what is normal / expected that’s all. I think you are being weird to read something sinister into this.

😂😂😂 classic mumsnet.

DC3 is currently Reception age, I would expect the vast majority of playdates at this age to include a parent staying. Simply because the majority of kids at this age wouldn't be happy being left (DC3 absolutely wouldn't - he's a shy one). But depends on the child, DC2 was a social butterfly as soon as she started school and would have happily been left with almost anyone from at least midway through Reception. She's currently Yr 4 and the vast vast majority of playdates at her age don't involve a parent staying, though there are one or two exceptionally clingy children in her class who do still want mum to stay.

You sound like the woman on the Catherine Tate show who always goes to get a packet of crisps and when she returns she’s survived a major disaster 😂.

In all seriousness though I agree with what you are saying, you can’t live life always judging every move by “what if” scenarios. If you do you just aren’t living.

I have very severe anxiety to the point I stopped going out as it felt safer, it’s no way to live and there are plenty of risks within the house as well. I have worked hard to change my mindset that I can’t control everything and worrying about disaster around every corner won’t prevent it. I would hate to pass my anxieties onto kids and hold them back.

I agree with most that the women in the OP didn’t want to host someone she hardly knows for hours, she might have been looking forward to having a break whilst her son is busy with his play date. I’m cringing at the thought of making small talk with someone I hardly know in my house for hours, I’d probably panic and cancel too!