DD's friend is now her girlfriend and I don't know if rules should change.

[BlueSilverCats]

DD is 13 and y8. She's been friends with this girl(lovely ,decent kid, no concerns there).since y7, had plenty of playdates, meet ups, sleepovers etc. They started "dating " in October. I put that in inverted commas as nothing much seems to have changed. Their chats are still mostly about their interests, school stuff , silly stuff nothing heavy or too relationshipy. Apparently they do hold hands at times.

She's been invited for a sleepover next weekend and it gave me pause. If it was a boyfriend it would be an absolutely not. However it also feels wrong to stop it when it was always ok before, but I'm still uncomfortable, probably on principle.

I'm veering towards keeping things as normal . Is that the best way to deal with this? Should rules change now?

I presume with a boyfriend the concern is more risk of sex leading to pregnancy, though, which doesn’t apply here? I think it’s a good idea to have the same conversations with her about healthy relationships, consent, not doing anything sexual or even any touching that she doesn’t feel comfortable with etc that you’d have regardless of her sexuality, but probably not the same need to put a stop to sleepovers or make them sleep in separate rooms.

If they want to do anything of that nature, they will, and you stopping them having sleepovers when it was okay before will probably end in resentment.

The girls parents will be in the house to keep an eye on things and if there’s no suggestion of anything sexual, I’d let her go. I’m not condoning it, but also you don’t have the worry of pregnancy if anything did happen. I’d let it go ahead all things considered.

She's not gonna get pregnant. You can relax. No need to control her simply for the sake of it.

It's not just about pregnancy!

Pressure to have sexual relationships beside she is ready is a concern

Hmm I’m not sure. I don’t think the whole sex / lack of risk of pregnancy thing is the only concern here. It’s also about emotional maturity and preventing the relationship becoming too intense and too all consuming at that age. I’m not exactly sure what the answer is being honest but I wouldn’t want my dd that age sleeping over with a girlfriend / boyfriend too much for that reason as well. (I have a Ds aged 13 and a dd aged 21).

Going against the grain, but no I wouldn't allow a 13 year old to have a sleepover with their boyfriend or girlfriend.

I don't want them to have the angst and responsibility that comes with a sexual relationship at 13. It's far too young. I wouldn't be facilitating a serious relationship at 13 and would be upping my supervision of them. Day or night.

I'm not a fan of the permissive mumsnet parenting style with young teens when it comes to sex. And never will be.

I'm surprised at some responses. Surely it's not only about pregnancy with boyfriends?! You'd be absolutely fine with a 13 year-old girl having sex with a boy if there were somehow a cast-iron guarantee she wouldn't get pregnant? 13 is too young for a sexual relationship and the dynamics and complications it can involve.

Nope

If it is now a " relationship " rather than a friendship, I wouldn't allow it just as I wouldn't allow it if it was a boy. It's not about sex, it's about intensity and 13 is far too young.

Absolutely this.

Agree with PP. Pregnancy y not the only risk. These girls are way too young to be investing that much emotionally in each other.

Dear god 🤦‍♀️

I agree with a pp. I think she is a bit young to be sleeping with her girlfriend. What you have to ask yourself is would you let her sleep/have a sleepover with a boy? In the same bedroom/bed?

As a pp said, it's not just about pregnancy, it's about the fact they are a couple. albeit very young, and they are already getting emotionally involved/possibly sexually... They may only be 13-14, but to them they are quite grown up. (Is the other girl the same age?)

You do sound like a brilliant mum though @BlueSilverCats Your DD is very lucky.

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I'd be thinking more about how to deal with the fallout if and most likely when the relationship ends.

Do you know the parents enough to discuss your concerns with them?

This. My sister is gay and I am straight. 13 is too young to be dating anyway male or female. There may or may not be pressure when at someone else's house and I wouldn't want to put my child in that situation. Sexual exploration at 13 is too young in my opinion.

I should add that unless the person lives 100 miles away there is no need for anyone to sleep over, if sleep is what is actually happening. So it would be a hard no from me anyway on the sleeping over front. I started sleeping over at my boyfriend's house at 17 and we had been dating for almost a year at that point.

If you wouldn't allow a 13 year old girl to have their boyfriend sleeping over, then why would you allow their girlfriend? This isn't about whether your child could get pregnant or not, after all, she could be on the pill!
Equality means treating heterosexual teens the same as homosexual teens doesn’t it???

This is where I'm coming from too. Yes, it all seems innocent and sweet , but will it stay that way , especially in a situation where sleepovers were the norm so it's not a "big" step or something that would have to be "negotiated " with parents if that makes sense.

On the other hand, I'm glad she told me without any prompting and she doesn't seem to think like anything has changed other than changing the title from best friend to girlfriend .

I'm hesitating , and trying to figure out if it's a me problem.

Yes, emotional maturity should be considered but I think as a pp said, you should talk to her about consent etc. If their conversations are centred around their interests and they hold hands it would appear that neither of them feel ready for that sort of thing anyway?

Besides which, unless you were watching them 24/7 at previous sleep overs, how do you know what went on before?

I think it depends how mature and sensible you think both girls are really. I think kissing at that age is normal part of growing up. Depends whether you trust that your DD wouldn’t do something more that made her uncomfortable.

Surprised at posters who argue that a minimum age of consent for sex is pregnancy related. It is not. If it were, there would be carte blanche for same sex relationships at any age.

It is about emotional maturity, ability to consent in an informed way and it helps stop young people being pressured into relationships they are not ready for.

I wouldn't allow a sleepover with a boyfriend or girlfriend at this age. I agree it's tricky when it's been fine before, but that's just how it is. She can go over and spend the evening there obviously, but I'd be picking her up at 11pm or whenever.

The only downside might be the effect on their friendship if being official 'girlfriends ' should end. But there's not much you can do about that either?

Can you have a conversation with her about the shift from friend to girlfriend so you can have an understanding of where their relationship is in terms of intimacy and the expectations she has? It sounds like nothing has changed from friendship really so I think I’d be OK with it on that basis, but I think I’d want to understand more about what their relationship looks like.

It is the intensity of overnight stays that I wouldn't be happy with. That is way too much for a 13 year old. If you wouldn't allow it for a boyfriend, I don't know why you would with a girlfriend. They are far too young. I have a 13 year old son and I wouldn't be allowing overnights if he had a boyfriend.

Are the other parents aware of the change in relationship?

They are saying their relationship has changed, it's ok to say the rules have changed.

You've entered a new phase of parenting and you need to think about what you're ok with in general, not just for this relationship. The friendship to "dating" has blurred the boundaries so take a step back and have a think about what happens if this "relationship" breaks up next week and your 13 year old child comes home with a girlfriend and asks her to sleepover. What do you do? What are the rules for your child?

I side with the posters saying I think sleepover should be off the cards now. Exploring sexuality at this young age can be done at a slower pace, and in more restricted circumstances than a sleepover allows. You may have a different view though. But whatever you decide now will be used by your DD as a blueprint for what she assumes is ok in any future "relationships".

I wouldn’t allow it, 13 is too young to have sex and that’s likely what the sleepovers will head towards. Pregnancy is obviously not the only reason to bad underage sex, particularly at 13!