DD's friend is now her girlfriend and I don't know if rules should change.

[BlueSilverCats]

DD is 13 and y8. She's been friends with this girl(lovely ,decent kid, no concerns there).since y7, had plenty of playdates, meet ups, sleepovers etc. They started "dating " in October. I put that in inverted commas as nothing much seems to have changed. Their chats are still mostly about their interests, school stuff , silly stuff nothing heavy or too relationshipy. Apparently they do hold hands at times.

She's been invited for a sleepover next weekend and it gave me pause. If it was a boyfriend it would be an absolutely not. However it also feels wrong to stop it when it was always ok before, but I'm still uncomfortable, probably on principle.

I'm veering towards keeping things as normal . Is that the best way to deal with this? Should rules change now?

Sex at this age is illegal, for God's sake!!!

Have you had a talk about how it is natural to feel loving about her friend as a friend but that it doesn't need to
Involve physical sexual interaction?

My advice is lots of conversation. I think PP are being rather naive to think that two curious thirteen year olds who claim to be dating can’t do anything concerning because no one has a penis. There’s all sorts of sexual activities that could occur and no I wouldn’t be happy about that.

What are we calling ‘sex’ though. If no penetration occurs then are they having ‘sex’. It’s a really grey area.

Again...I'm not going to educate posters about how lesbians have sex...

But penetration can happen with more than just a penis.

And penetrative sex isn't the only type of sex there is.

Or maybe all women who have only ever had sex with other women are, virgins eh?

It really isn't. You're either (a) on a wind up (b) fishing for wank stories or (c ) have led a very sheltered life.

Or a bit homophobic.

You say nothing has changed.Maybe it’s their way of staying safe from predatory boys (and girls)Theyare exclusive and that means no one in their school will bother them.
have a chat about being safe, not doing anything she doesn’t feel comfy with.
When my dd was this age some of her friends said they were gay.They turned out to be heterosexual 5 years later,older and more able to deal with advances from others.

Was trying to point out if they want to have sex, they'll probably have sex and it probably won't be at a sleepover. Things happen & parents often have no knowledge of what's actually happening.
My foster families would have fits on what I got up to and those religious nutters I was stuck with for over a year would've spontaneously combusted if the knew a quarter of what I did on way home from school.

Exactly this

She's in love don't spoil it for her! Don't say anything . I know she's young but let her live her life not being heavy on her, she can't come to harm .

In love at 13?

She can indeed come to harm,
entering into a sexual,
illegal,
relationship whilst she is very much still a child. Who sounds like she is also confused about her sexuality.

it's not like either of them will get pregnant. it's a good idea to raise the issue that IF they experiment, it's best to use a dental dam or similar.
she'll probably cringe and be disgusted at the thought, but provide it just in case.
it's also fair to say, okay, whatever , but you both keep your PJ bottoms on.

point out that while pregnancy isn't a worry, sexual health is still important to care about, and that she should always feel confident saying no to anything she's not ready for.

She can be in love, if that's what this is, while also being safeguarded. Keeping her safe isn't spoiling it.

Oh bloody hell, I haven't heard this nonsense for a good 15 years.

Edit: Sorry, I quoted the wrong post! Meant to quote @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast's "lesbians can't have sex" rubbish.

Friends had this then their Dd was bi and went back to boys and had a very unhealthy relationship with a slightly older but manipulative boy who was bad news. They had let the girlfriend (who was nice) stay so she argued he should too…

👊🏽

Tricky one.
And I only have one DS(11), so possibly way off base here…

I think I would distinguish it from a “Sleepover” by calling it “sleeping with/staying the night with your girlfriend/boyfriend”.

While of course explaining that just because a girlfriend/boyfriend is staying the night, it doesn’t mean anything has to happen, but there may be an implicit possibility/expectation. Whereas with a sleepover with friends, this is not an implicit possibility or expectation.

I think the language distinction could be useful.

There is a knowledge and understanding gap (naturally) between the adult parents on this forum and your DD.

Perhaps one way to think about it is that if you can’t have the explicit conversation with her about your concerns, then she is too young to do it.

I don't think I'd be comfortable my 13 year old DD having a sleep over with her GF. It's still illegal for same sex couples to have sex in the UK under the age of 16 years so there's that to think about. Also at 13 I don't think they'd be mature enough to deal with the emotional side of it. Explain to your DD that while you support her decision to date another girl you don't think it's the right time for them to take it any further & having a sleep over isn;t the best idea at present.

Update...

I have said no to the sleepover . Due to various other things and commitments this won't be an issue again for at least a couple of months . I did take the "easy" way out and I didn't make it about the relationship , but will have that conversation if or when it crops up again, depending on how things progress.

Thank you everyone for your opinions and pointing out some issues I hadn't even thought about.

She's not in love, she's 13, a child, she's got some romantic/sexual feelings for a friend, but she's not in love.

I had this with my DD 11 and her 'girlfriend' 12. I don't think anything sexual crossed their minds but I had an age appropriate conversation with my DD about not doing anything she felt uncomfortable with, without going into detail. When they had a sleepover I told them the door stayed open just as it would if it was a boyfriend staying over. Things petered out and it it's no longer an issue but I think it's important to have the conversation about boundaries anyway.

How weird that this seems to be a thing. Mine was a bit older at 14/15 and i was pretty sure it was being led more by the friend. I had 'the talk' with her and honestly the way she reacted to the idea of possible sex with this friend told me all i needed to know... She's had a boyfriend for years now and the friendship didn't last once her world expanded a bit.

My daughter was definitely being led by her friend....I check her phone and her friend was pushing it all the time and although my daughter went along with it, she was never the instigator. She's now "dating" a boy apparently.....!