DD's friend is now her girlfriend and I don't know if rules should change.

[BlueSilverCats]

DD is 13 and y8. She's been friends with this girl(lovely ,decent kid, no concerns there).since y7, had plenty of playdates, meet ups, sleepovers etc. They started "dating " in October. I put that in inverted commas as nothing much seems to have changed. Their chats are still mostly about their interests, school stuff , silly stuff nothing heavy or too relationshipy. Apparently they do hold hands at times.

She's been invited for a sleepover next weekend and it gave me pause. If it was a boyfriend it would be an absolutely not. However it also feels wrong to stop it when it was always ok before, but I'm still uncomfortable, probably on principle.

I'm veering towards keeping things as normal . Is that the best way to deal with this? Should rules change now?

It’s described on the link I posted above. Basically, penetration or oral.

Teenagers having girl/boy friends has been happening for many years. It's not unusual for young teens to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and go out on 'dates' to the cinema, shopping, etc.

Whilst it's important parents keep an eye on these things to ensure nothing gets out of hand or too serious, having these relationships at 13y is incredibly normal.

I would sit her down and tell her there are different rules for relationships and as such they need separate rooms. No negotiation. You need clear boundaries. What happens if she's 14/15/16? At what stage do you turn around and say no?

I see you've now decided no, which I agree with. I had this exact situation, although mine was 14. All sleepovers were stopped immediately. I would not condone a sexual relationship at that age and was quite happy not to be a cool mum.

Pregnancy and sexual coercion are the main factors here so yes I would treat it differently. Safe sex chat for STIs is a must though.

Thanks,

If I remember rightly the laws changes to make the age of consent, in the UK, 16y for both males and females, and for both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.

I think it depends how mature and sensible you think both girls are really. I think kissing at that age is normal part of growing up. Depends whether you trust that your DD wouldn’t do something more that made her uncomfortable.

It is extremely naïve to think you can predict with certainty what any 13 year-old would do in that situation or how they would feel about having to say no in the face of possible pressure from a peer they have feelings for. Adults can find that very difficult, never mind kids only just out of their tweens!

Exactly.
Pervs are on here wanting descriptions.

Of course they know.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/contents

Sections 9 and 13 are the ones you want.

I raised 4 DC . without ever having them go on a sleepover or having children sleep here .
Totally unnecessary IMHO
Don't trust other parents unless they were family

A girl asking another girl out when both are in Yr 7 ie just 11 years old is very concerning. Fast forward a couple of years and now the two 13 years olds are in a relationship that might become sexual? No way, they are far too young for any of this. They are children.

It’s not a you problem. As many have said, it’s not just about possible pregnancy.

Absolutely this.

Her daughters 13. It’s not about risk of getting pregnant but underage illegal sex that she’s 3 years too young for. I’d have thought OP was more concerned with here.

I agree with you, MyDeepZebra. Thirteen is too young for intensity.

Op, these girls may well go back to being ordinary friends again in a while, they are very young and haven't yet discovered boys properly. Best to keep it lighthearted for the time being. Do you know how the other girl's parents feel about this?

Exactly. People thinking it’s fine because ‘she can’t get pregnant’ are very much missing them point.

I got sexually assaulted by two different family members so where do you draw the line?

Good for you though. I'll admit I didn't think of this relationship being a possibility when I allowed her to go to sleepover birthday parties when she was 8.

I recently had this situation without realising…DD (13) had a sleepover here with a group of female friends the same age and I only found out afterwards two of them (not DD) were dating. Not my daughter but I still wouldn’t have allowed the sleepover if I had known because it’s just too young to deal with the intensity and possible pressure of overnight stays in a relationship and I wouldn’t want to be party to that. Homosexuality/heterosexuality etc irrelevant.

My views are probably coloured by the fact that I was in a (heterosexual) relationship at that age where there was a lot of pressure on me to constantly take things further (a group sleepover situation with apparent safety in numbers would not have stopped that). Whilst we didn’t have sleepovers his parents were much more permissive, let us spend time in his bedroom unsupervised etc which did exacerbate the issue. My parents were much stricter (downstairs only etc) and while I used to whine about how OTT it was I was secretly relieved. It was not a healthy power dynamic but no one would have known from the outside and having boundaries imposed did help.

Sleepover is a ridiculously cute name for the situation. 13 is too young for parents to be encouraging sex.

Girls can’t coerce other girls? Kids this age discuss sexual activity with peers. She may feel under pressure not to be labelled ‘frigid’ etc. at school and in other social settings. The only difference in this scenario is she can’t get pregnant.

Personally, I’d be very relaxed about this. There are a few girls in my DS’s yr 8 friendship group who have become “girlfriends” over the past year or so. I put it in inverted commas because it hasn’t lasted long and they’ve all moved on to having boyfriends.

I have seen it as a way of the kids trying on different identities as they go through puberty. These girls havent felt ready for boyfriends but feel a close connection with their female friends and so mistaken that for romantic feelings.

Of course, a couple may end up being lesbians as they get older but right now they are just too young to know themselves.

One thing that does stand out from your OP is that you know what your DD and friend chat about. Do you read all their messages? I’m all for keeping an eye on phone usage, but I think you need to give your DD a certain level of privacy to talk about whatever she wants with her close friends.

Didimum · Today 11:35

Pregnancy and sexual coercion are the main factors here so yes I would treat it differently. Safe sex chat for STIs is a must though.

Some teenage girls are very much capable of coercive behaviour, I'm afraid.

Well, it was just a sleepover until things changed. It probably still is, but obviously I can't be sure and also I can't guarantee it'll stay like that.

I'm not encouraging anything, which is why I'm on here asking for advice and opinions and trying to get my head around it all .

She's only 13 and shouldn't be dating at all! I would be doing everything I could to discourage this intense relationship that's going to end in tears.