DD's friend is now her girlfriend and I don't know if rules should change.

[BlueSilverCats]

DD is 13 and y8. She's been friends with this girl(lovely ,decent kid, no concerns there).since y7, had plenty of playdates, meet ups, sleepovers etc. They started "dating " in October. I put that in inverted commas as nothing much seems to have changed. Their chats are still mostly about their interests, school stuff , silly stuff nothing heavy or too relationshipy. Apparently they do hold hands at times.

She's been invited for a sleepover next weekend and it gave me pause. If it was a boyfriend it would be an absolutely not. However it also feels wrong to stop it when it was always ok before, but I'm still uncomfortable, probably on principle.

I'm veering towards keeping things as normal . Is that the best way to deal with this? Should rules change now?

Are the other parents aware of the change in relationship?

thats a good question

i would not allow a sleepover under the circumstances you describe

She has quite a wide and diverse friendship group so while I expect some heart break when the relationship ends , it shouldn't affect her social life.

This girl actually did ask her out in y7 and DD wasn't interested like "that" (she liked only boys until now) and she asked me how to deal with it and I gave her some advice and remained good friends anyway. So there's some hope that they would be able to manage a breakup in civil way as well, but who knows? That’s another worry on the list.

Does the sleepover have to be that she sleeps in the same room as her friend? As my DSC became teens when they had sleepovers generally the friend slept in the spare room, nothing to do with sex but just by 13 not wanting to sleep on floor or share bed. I would be fine for my DD in similar circumstances to have a sleepover at friends if sleeping in own bed in spare room and parents were at the home, ie they get to play on X box or watch films until bedtime with some level of parental oversight and then go to their own separate beds. I wouldn't be comfortable with them sharing room and certainly not bed for the reasons others have given. Can you not just chat it through with the parents and come to a solution that doesn't massively shift the dynamic but keeps both girls safe.

Op I'd urge caution perosnal at that age I wouldn't allow it

@lemonyellows fair point. And as other posters say the talk about consent etc. Has the new status being ' announced' to the other girl's parents also? That part might be tricky.

I wouldn't allow it. It's the intensity.

If they are dating they can go on dates. Then they can go home.

I think it's okay to say to her "hmm I need to have a think about this! If you're telling me there's an element of sexual attraction in your friendship then as a responsible parent I need to think about how that could change the dynamics of a sleepover"

13 is too young for sex whether with the same or opposite sex.

I would ask if other parent is aware, and also say you agree only if separate bedrooms - as would be expected with a heterosexual teen couple. Yes, there's no risk of pregnancy but there is risk of pressure to try out things she might not feel ready for. (Which, yes, will happen anyway if she wants them to, but you don't need to actively facilitate that)

I would allow it, but first I would be having a big chat with my daughter (and see how she reacted) and putting boundaries in place. Bedroom door open at all times, separate beds, a couple of hours downstairs so you can see how they are together. I think this is a trust your jugment situation and given everything you've said, I think for now it would be more sensible to keep open communications than to stop sleepovers altogether

Yes the other girl's parents also know , and they still invited DD over so they're obviously ok with it. They're slightly more permissive in general than I am though.

You need to be thinking about age of consent and consent itself. Having sex before you're emotionally ready is damaging regardless of the gender of your partner. They may not even be considering sex at this stage but sharing a room and possibly a bed is likely to speed this process along.
Obviously you can't stop a physical relationship but you can discourage, and not condone, it. Sounds like you have great communication with DS so talk it all through together.

This girl actually did ask her out in y7 and DD wasn't interested like "that" (she liked only boys until now) and she asked me how to deal with it and I gave her some advice and remained good friends anyway. So there's some hope that they would be able to manage a breakup in civil way as well, but who knows? That’s another worry on the list.

With this update, it would be an absolute no. Girls especially are easily influenced and manipulated at that age. I'd be concerned, given that your DD had only ever shown interest in boys before, that she isn't actually gay or bi and the change in the relationship is beinh led by the other girl. If something sexual does happen at 13, and your DD doesn't want or like it but feels obliged for the sake of the friendship...well it's all very messy and something she just doesn't need to be dealing with at such a young age.

And of course...it's the girlfriend who has arranged the sleepover.

It would be a definite no from me and I'd be upping my healthy relationships and consent chats with DD.

It’s not just pregnancy I wouldn’t be comfortable my daughter having sexual relations at 13 so I think I’d say no personally. The dynamic has changed.

As others have rightly said it is not just about sex it is about the emotional intensity and the young age. 13 is far too young to be sleeping over in any partners house whether male or female. Friendship is different but as this has now been classed as a relationship the rules change. Regardless of the risk of pregnancy sexual activity could still occur and I would not be okay with my 13 year old engaging in that at such a young age. I even think 13 is too young for relationships we don't know or understand enough at that age and aren't mature but I would never stop a relationship as such as im sure many of us are guilty of the young relationship love as such.

It's disturbing to read how many here think 13 year olds can be ready for sex and if they want to it's fine. You've all been well groomed. It's not legal. You wouldn't facilitate illegal drug use on the basis that they'd do it anyway and better done at home then.

I would not interfere or offer advice, just continue to be trusted Mum your DD can confide in. A sleepover offers no opportunity or threat that would not exist elsewhere. Maybe DD may start to explore her sexuality with this sweet young girl , you can’t stop her even if you’re not entirely happy about it. To me it sounds relatively safe especially as she is willing to take any problems to you.

I wouldn't be comfortable with sleepovers at this age. There's a huge difference in terms of development between the age of 13 and say, 15 or 16 when I might allow it ( two girls). If they want to do sexual things, they will. However, spending the whole night together could come with the expectation that sexual things will be happening. Imagine if one girl wanted to be sexual and the other did not but felt unable to say no. It's creating a lot of pressure that could easily be avoided by not allowing a sleepover.

I wouldn’t allow it - they’ve said they’re in a dating relationship and 13 is far too young to be having sleepovers in a relationship setting.

Have a chat about consent and the age of consent (they are both way below it) and what's appropriate at their age, then I would just carry on as normal I think.

The thing I am not clear about is why so many are ok with this because they are both girls.

Would you say the same with 2 boys? Or a boy and girl who were friends before?

Have you actually bothered reading all the posts on this thread? (Or any at all?!) The vast majority of posters aren't okay with it!

!

Who is this "so many"?!

On this thread?

Most people have replied that they wouldn't be ok with this!

the prudery and heteronormativity behind (supposed) “safeguarding” practices relating to teenagers - exposed.

We have talked and keep talking about consent, boundaries, being able to say no, peer pressure and everything else in between. We do have quite an open relationship and I don't just talk at her but ask for her opinion and thoughts on these things and explain where I'm coming from. She gets my rules are there to keep her safe even if she does find me "aggravating " .. She's still comfortable enough to come to me for advice or to just tell me things which I think it's very important at this age.
If she hadn't told me about the change in relationship, the sleepover would've been an obvious yes right away.