DD's friend is now her girlfriend and I don't know if rules should change.

[BlueSilverCats]

DD is 13 and y8. She's been friends with this girl(lovely ,decent kid, no concerns there).since y7, had plenty of playdates, meet ups, sleepovers etc. They started "dating " in October. I put that in inverted commas as nothing much seems to have changed. Their chats are still mostly about their interests, school stuff , silly stuff nothing heavy or too relationshipy. Apparently they do hold hands at times.

She's been invited for a sleepover next weekend and it gave me pause. If it was a boyfriend it would be an absolutely not. However it also feels wrong to stop it when it was always ok before, but I'm still uncomfortable, probably on principle.

I'm veering towards keeping things as normal . Is that the best way to deal with this? Should rules change now?

Same conversations as if it was a boy - 13 is still too young for going much further than holding hands and kissing. I think in general I'd be treating it the same, no sleepovers just yet.

What is wrong with you? The child is 13 and op is being a responsible parent what part of the post did you read that this is about controlling the child. She's 13 not 23.

I would be saying no, on the basis that if she then got a boyfriend, he would not be allowed to stay. It should be a set of rules which apply to relationships, rather than the gender of the partner. Much easier for you.

Helps stop any pressure for her to do anything she doesn’t want to, lessens concerns over stds, and helps prevent pregnancy with a different partner.

She is VERY young to be playing at a serious relationship with sleepovers and that’s the bottom line here.

parenting, the process of raising children and providing them with protection and care in order to ensure their healthy development into adulthood.

I would check that the parents know about the relationship change.

Then I’d probably try to find out more about the relationship itself. When I was younger, with my younger cousins and even when my DD was in school it was common for teens to assign romantic labels that never really went beyond a title more for shock value than anything (“shock” in the “we’re so quirky and grown!” sense, not because anyone is shocked by same sex relationships in this day and age) when in reality they were pretty much still just friends and nothing really changed. I suspect it’s the safety of being able to say they have a partner.

I would try to find out how romantically invested they are and then decide. Or maybe check if a sleepover is possible in different bedrooms (I used to stay in the guest bedroom at my best friend’s, but obviously it’s not always possible).

This 100%, I wasn’t even allowed anyone upstairs in my house as a kid lol. But seriously, the attitude on mumsnet is literally let them drink let them have sex! I can’t believe my eyes sometimes.

In my experience (as a similar age teen) boys were pushy and wanted PIV and there was a power imbalance, girls were more curious, romantic and less sexually driven.

I would treat teen boys and teen girls differently in this situation, their maturity levels are different and girls aren't under the influence of a testosterone surge.

What were the sleeping arrangements before the relationship changed? Is a sleep over with seperate beds / rooms an option? DD has to decamp to the sofa to sleep etc?

Could you perhaps ask her what being 'girlfriends' means to her in an interested way? Don't connect it to the sleepover.

Also what she thinks it means to her girlfriend?

And then take it from there in your decision making?

I'd be interested to explore where the impetus for this change in relationship status came from. Was it your daughter who led the discussion, the other girl or was this mutual.

At 13 there's often a more dominant one in girls' friendships and if that person is the same one who was keenest to change the relationship status I would have concerns that either of them could be pressured/persuaded to take steps they aren't ready for.

And even if the sleepover is fine now, will it be in six months and then how do you say 'no, it's no longer okay' because you allowed it while they were in a relationship.

It's possibly easiest just to say no from the off.

OP, you have a problem here. Surely if you have been allowing this but now tell your dd she can’t , you DD is just going to resent/ regret confiding in you?

Good God no. It's got nothing to do with the pregnancy issue, more that she needs protecting emotionally from it developing too quickly, at such a young age.

This is awful - do you hear yourself? A 13-year old 'dating'? What on Earth are you thinking about? This is crazy.

The change in relationship was apparently driven by DD and she told the girl that she likes her . There was some deliberation in case the girl wasn't interested anymore, but she gave it a go.

I would say no.

True. She also "dated" a boy last year which actually just meant they chatted on the phone , again nothing much (i check her phone) and they barely even talked in school . Didn’t even hold hands, much less actually socialise outside of school. It was basically a whole load of nothing that fizzled out in a couple of months.

The difference this time is that this is an established friendship that already involves meeting up, going out, sleepovers etc. so already it will be more intense even if nothing has actually changed if that makes sense.

I've got a 13 and 15yo and we have the same rules for girlfriends as for boyfriends. No sleepovers, not allowed in their rooms alone with the door closed. Yes it's weird all round when they've been friends first but as others have said it's not just about pregnancy it's about an inappropriate level of intimacy, being pressured into something you don't want to do etc.

I’d probably let her go but implement a doors open policy, if the other parents would agree.

Well if she wants the relationship to be taken seriously- that this isn’t just a friendship, then she must accept no more sleepovers until 16.

You wouldnt allow it if it was a boy, it’s no different if it’s a girl.

I wouldn't allow the sleepover, as she's far too young for sex and the risk of her feeling pressured or getting carried away and then regretting it is too huge. The risk outweighs the benefit, therefore you should say no.

I agree with this. It would be a no if it were a boyfriend, so I would treat it the same if a girlfriend and vice versa for my sons.

Several things to think over. If next week your daughter is asking to have a sleepover with a boyfriend what would your answer be? Could you explain why sleepovers with girlfriends is fine but boyfriends is not? Your daughter was previously interested in boys, she may date boys in the near future.

Do you have other children? Would you be ok having the same rules for them (sleepovers with girlfriends/boyfriends at 13)? And if you had different rules would you be able to explain why that was different? And should be different?

If your daughter stays with this girlfriend long term, would you be wanting those sleepover rules to change? So it’s fine now as they just hold hands, but if in a year or two (or 6 weeks?) they’re making out and progressing things would you want different rules?

Also - do you know how to have a safe sex conversation with your daughter about sexual activity with a girlfriend? You might need to educate yourself now for when that conversation is needed - it’s not just about pregnancy.

I think having sleepovers with a boyfriend/girlfriend accelerates a relationship for a young teen, and it’s a lot easier to say no before anything is happening than once it is.

I have to agree here. My son is in year 7 and there’s a boy and girl in a relationship in his year that are having sleep overs!?? I seriously think it’s disgusting! Grooming almost. Cannot fathom how anyone would allow this!

It's absolutely not a you problem. You're doing what good parents should do. Putting boundaries in place that safeguard your child.
13 years old is too young for a sexual relationship. As they're now "in a relationship" then sleep overs are a no no. You'd say no if it was a boy without any qualms. Ignoring the pregnancy issue, why is it different for a girl?

The intensity of sexual relationships are for adults and in enforcing that boundary you're actually protecting your DD.

I would still have a chat with her about consent and why it is important.

The Thames Valley Police video on tea and consent is excellent.

Even so, it may well be they'll kip in the lounge and have their own sleeping bags, it's what my DD's friends always did. Admittedly usually 4 of them.

You could say that now she's growing up sleepovers with a single friend of either sex are out.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. Especially as the other girl came out several years ago and it’s relatively new for your DD. If the other girl who is more comfortable with her sexuality was putting pressure on your DD who is only just getting her head around it would she feel comfortable enough to go to this girl’s parents for help? Even if she did say no and turn the other girls advances down she is trapped there if there is an uncomfortable feeling about it.