I realised too late I don’t like parenting

[ThatCleverFawn]

I’m sure I’ll be judged to beyond but gearing up the enthusiasm to do yet another day of it is destroying me.

No need to feel bad or guilty - motherhood is a thankless slog as many pps have said. I always find everything just a bit easier if I know I’m not alone so take it from me you are by no means alone I’m thinking you real used this too late. It angers me every day how utterly unrealistic and romanticised parenting, and motherhood in particular, is made out to be.

There is not one of my posts on this important subject that shamed OP. In fact it was the opposite. Support comes in many forms. It's not just piling in to make it look as if there is nothing worse in the world than parenting

Oh I feel this deep in my soul today! I lost it with my 17 year old today. And I mean lost it. I have never lost it that bad before ever. But he’s so rude and dirty I just exploded. And I’ve got a 19 yo who’s at uni and since she started she’s got a huge attitude all of a sudden. AND to top
it off I have 2 and a half yo TWINS. Who, to be fair, are so much easier than my teenagers. I just get screamed at sometimes and get touched constantly! Oh but they do fight a lot. They like to headbutt, so that’s fun. I could run away today I’m that fed up. But tomorrows a new day I guess.

Totally with you OP. It’s hideous. I go from work to childcare to cleaning to work to childcare to cleaning and it never stops. My boy is 2 and so lovely but the job, ick. Hate it. Solidarity.

The demands on modern mothers are far greater than any previous generation.

Not sure about that. Can't see that having kids in the middle ages with no mod cons and working your fingers to the bone cleaning for pennies to pay for shambolic digs is any fun.

I didn't find out I'm autistic with ADHD until after I became a parent and because of those I couldn't enjoy parenting at all. I'd been masking for years then once I became a parent I had no energy left to mask and my whole life caved in on me. I don't hate parenting but I've realised because of my ADHD and autism I can't do what everyone else can and my energy has to be reserved for the important things. I don't have much left for anything enjoyable but I love my daughter to bits and couldn't imagine my life without her. I just wish I knew I had ADHD and autism and the challenges I'd have as a parent because of these when I decided to have a child. Definitely no judgement from me but more understanding

Knew I'd hate parenting, so didn't have kids! 🤷‍♀️

I felt exactly the same.

I was very much, "I've ruined my life". Despite loving them to my core.

It was so odd; I'd have literally died for them but equally done anything to have chosen to remain child free.

They are now 5&9 and much more independent now and much more fun. Life is easier and I don't regret it as much.

We all feel like that most days especially when they are young and your sleep deprived, it gets better

My question to all parents who have this view of parenting .

Are you envious of child free out of choice people? Would you have preferred to have taken this path?

According to many of the posts, if its such a strong feeling & the answer is yes, I get the impression there may not be many answers.

I'll begin. Absolutely not & I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I have young Grandchildren now who I care for regularly & I absolutely love having them. I actually do appreciate not all parents & Grandparents feel the same. We are allowed different views.

It's hard but tough, you made your choice now deal with it.

I’m sure we all have these days (that draaaggg on for weeks/months). It’s probably their ages, and one is much easier than two.

I love both mine the same but looking after one of them is easier than when they’re together (8 & 4). My second was a crap sleeper and my first had just started school, the sleepless nights along with the school run was really hard. You can’t just chill with your second like you did with your first.

It will get easier soon 💐

As everyone says you're at the trickiest stage, haven't read the whole thread but if and when eldest starts school you may well find the pressure behind to lift and when both are at school it will lift again. The primary school years are so much easier than the little years. I've two lovely teenagers who I barely see and who make me tea and are fab company etc but omg 2 years 4 months apart .. the early days were incredibly full on.

It is worth it in the end when you see them blossom.

Then if they are blessed to have children of their own & your family grows that first hold of your Grandchild is priceless 🥰

As a parent of older teens, there is a brief window when they’re about 10 where you think you may have just fallen into your stride and can occasionally feel like parenting is manageable. Then they hit puberty, go to secondary school and it’s a relentless slog again but rather than been physically exhausting it’s now emotionally exhausting. I have questioned my life choices more times than I can remember. Love my kids but parenting is relentless.

Apart from working and parenting do you do anything that’s for you?

I have kept my pre-children hobby and as much as I don’t get as much time as I did to do this/definitely don’t have time for anything else in life apart from parent/work/hobby I have found keeping this going absolutely key to my happiness/enjoying being a parent. Without it if all I had was work and being a mum I think I’d find it harder to find joy in parenting.

can you take some time to go and do something you enjoy? Is your partner supportive?

@Thoughtsonallsorts Re your question - “My question to all parents who have this view of parenting .
Are you envious of child free out of choice people? Would you have preferred to have taken this path?”

Honestly, yes, sometimes. I’ve been through many dark times with my kids, both didn’t sleep as babies/toddlers and one got very ill and needed emergency surgery. Many times during the night while rocking a screaming baby till my arms were sore I wished I’d not gone down this path as I didn’t feel strong enough for it. I do love them and love hugging them though.

Have you got any help at all ? It’s very hard work indeed .. my boys were 2 and half years gap ..
you need to reach out and let others know how you feel there is no shame in it .. we all getting like it if we are honest … my lads are in their 30s now and I was a depressed Mum … I told family and doc … its great you’ve opened up here … children are hard work when little but company when they’re older … I have grandchildren now and it’s bringing ot all back … don’t be too proud to get advice. .. Can anyone babysit for the night so you can catch up on your sleep ?

Bed time is nigh!! Hang in there

Honestly parenting is a world of ups and downs. The early years are a sea of manual labour and lovely cuddles and tantrums. Then you hit a sweet spot for a period where it gets easier and they are super cute and you think it will be like that forever . Then you get into exams and life becomes very boring as everything revolves around GCSEs and A-levels and you have no life as they need to study and you get zero privacy!

but we are all in the same boat! You can understand why people look forward to the grandparent years as you get all the upside and get to hand them back after!

I learned I'm probably neurodivergent after having a child.
My youngest ds shows similar signs as me including hyperactivity and social anxiety plus moderate ocd, his meltdowns are legendary especially after a long day at school.
I wish I knew before being a parent, I was ok before but now simple things like playing with ds and the multitasking, trying to get things done while dc is demanding attention both really tire me out and lead me to meltdown mode at the worst.. I'm coping better now at age 4 but suffered severe ppd at the time he was a baby (also had depression as a teen and really struggled to "adult" but now realise that's probably because of neurodivergent tendencies and societal pressure to fit the mold).
I've masked all my life and never really fit in, now sad my ds is probably going to go through the same feelings.. Also feel like a rubbish mum when I can't cope.
He's going through a difficult rebellious phase now, it's hard just taking it one day at a time. I love him with all of my heart but it is so challenging. I'm lucky I have a supportive dh he really helps out.

It is hard and while you’re in the thick of it, it feels as if you will never get a moment’s peace. But it also flies by and suddenly you’re, like me, with them all having flown the coop, and wondering how quickly that happened. Rose-tinted glasses probably, but I feel so nostalgic for the days when they were young. Love spending time with mine now they are adults, but those days are rare as they are so busy. Hope you get some sleep and a bit of time off.

I’ve looked up a lot of old Mumsnet and other forum threads lately about parenting being hard, and when it might get easier. Nine times out of 10 the OP has a 1yo and either a 3yo or 4yo.
I, who have searched the internet for these discussions, also have a 1yo and a 4yo! My older one is refusing to be fully potty trained as well, so I am never more than an hour away from one of them needing changing.
I don’t think right now is the essence of all parenting ever. It had better not be!
Currently though, I’m finding my joy in the younger one saying a few words and becoming more expressive, and the older one being lovely with her on occasion.

This was your very first post on this thread, @Thoughtsonallsorts - I see this as shaming the OP and invalidating her feelings. I see no support, help or encouragement in it.