To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

I think it’s one thing to lie about being in the pill, but you are silly to not wear a condom if you don’t want a kid. Harp harp.make sense for a one night stand.

But in a relationship there should be trust, and if your partner says they are on the pill and you are exclusive you should be able to trust that. I know at least 3 women who have had pregnancies and gone on to have children in these circumstances. Apparently all three of them got pregnant (around the same time) because there pill didn’t work 🙄

I also had a secondary school friend who got pregnant on purpose, aged 15, to get a council house, with her mother’s encouragement.

My cousin's now ex-wife, twice. She admitted it to me shortly before they separated The first time because she wanted to quit working, the second time because her SiL had a baby and she was jealous of the attention she was getting. She didn't admit the 'jealous' part, but it was pretty obvious. My cousin was a damned smart man, but not smart enough to wear a condom after the first 'accidental' pregnancy.

I know of one other woman who I strongly suspect got pregnant 'accidentally on purpose'. She wasn't trying to trap the man she just wanted a child. When she got pregnant she 'magnanimously' told the man that she was keeping the baby but that he was free to go his own way if he didn't want to be involved, which he did. She raised the child on her own and the child is now a successful attorney.

I know three women who have done this within marriage. Two are divorced and the other one is blissful and they went on to have two more kids. I'm not sure the two divorces are due to the kids. Both parents seem to love them.

It's a tale as old as time. If everyone waited for perfect circs, many fewer babies would be born. It doesn't make it right, but I can see why your friend went for it, if she felt this was her last chance. She might have felt that the deception was worth it to have the lifelong joy of her child. Maybe many people would do the same in the friend's shoes.

Men always have the option of wrapping it up. The days when they got away with acting absolutely astounded that they got someone pregnant while not wearing a condom no longer fly.

That should say when HE was going to leave HER of course, d'oh.

Sorry I should have said, their husbands were unaware until it was a fait accompli. The husbands are fine with it now, more than 20 years later - at the time both pregnancies were presented as happy accidents.

I mean being left to hold the baby on her own is her own doing.

Do you mean stealthing?

Yes, but compare it to the OP who is judging her friend, from a place where she had two wanted babies with the support presumably of her partner!

Still not ok
The financial support is only part of it,
What about the child having a father in their life?

My SIL told my BIL she was coming off the pill as wanted to try for a baby

He still seemed surprised when she got pregnant - everyone else knew they'd been trying for best part of the year - I think that says more about him though

And she’s taken quite a bit financially from this man.

come again please?

I mean that’s the risk you take when having a child in these circumstances. I would never be in the life of a child I had never wanted.

In a world where I could not have a termination I would hand them to the their dad and never look back.

Fair or not, the father took the chance of unprotected sex.

Surely any woman who has ever wanted a baby can have some empathy with the mum here?

She wouldn't have been able to "trick" him if he had taken responsibility for contraception.

I am fanatical about sex only happening with fully informed consent. I don’t care what the reasons are, any uninformed consent is never ok with me especially when she had other options available to her. Like not lying and just having unprotected sex or using a sperm donor.

You think??!

@baregrylls I hope you never find yourself in the position you are so quick to judge. No contraception is 100% effective 100% of the time.

I was at school with someone who did this. Told him not to use a condom she was on the pill she wasn't. The lad didn't want any involvement in the child's life. I'm not sure if that's still the case.i This was an intelligent girl she was too of the class in most subjects and had a lot of hobbies.

She was back at school within 2 weeks her mum looked after the baby. I've only seen her once since we left school. She was out shopping with her LB and mum about a year after we left school. I don't have a clue what she's doing now. I've not seen her since.

Fanatical or not, I assume this was fully consensual sex??! It's not like the OP's friend forced herself on her then DP?

I have zero empathy for anybody lying about contraception.

And do you feel this way about the women referred to in this thread who “relied” on men telling the truth about vasectomies they lied about? Should those women have still been on the pill?

It was uninformed consent.

It’s not fully informed consent if one person is lying so the other person cannot make a fully informed decision.

If I have sex with a man on the express belief he was single, but he lied and it turns out he was married then no - I would not considered myself to have fully consented to sex.

Yes, exactly that.
Using him to father her child and complimented with financial support as well. Where is the woman's moral compass?
Deceitful and cunning in the extreme

Yep.

@ShesNotACowShesAFox young and trusted she was taking the pill daily. Took him ages to trust I was taking the pill. I don’t want kids.

I read an article a few years ago. A single dad persuaded his ex to go through with the pregnancy and promised he would bring the child up. But then he applied for maintenance which she paid a generous amount. Then he started saying he needed support from the mother which he promised he wouldn't do.

Well I do. As someone who suffered from infertility for years, I understand why a woman might yearn to have a child before the opportunity runs away from her. Do I agree with how she went about it? No, because the child has been affected by a lack of a proper father.

Lying about a vasectomy is even worse; however, vasectomies can fail so I would always ensure my own contraception in those circumstances.