To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

This happened to my DP. His child has just turned 20. He was with the mother for 6 months but had gotten a promotion in another country and she didn’t want to go with him or do long distance. Whilst working his notice she got pregnant - pill mishap.

He stayed with her in the uk for 12 years and then left her as he didn’t love her. he always said he felt trapped but wanted to do the right thing for his child.

When he told me I thought young ignorance. But his ex did admit it to the child last year that her conception wasn’t an accident. The ex suggested it as a way to trap her boyfriend to stay. His ex has a weird view of things. Thankfully the kid is sensible.

@JHound no she has never claimed because she doesn't want him to have any involvement (and he has never wanted any).

I am the product of my mam lying to my dad about contraception. My dad still doesn't know and they're still together.

How come he didn’t use a condom?

Said they'd had the snip when they hadn't, said they were going to use a condom but didn't, said they were infertile but weren't.

Contraception coercion is a huge issue alongside that too which in my eyes is similar.

It’s the same thing.

It really is. You don’t have to agree and that’s fine. (The “STD risk” is removed if the man is full au courent with his sexual health status but nobody would say in such a situation stealthing is less problematic).

But removing somebody’s capacity to fully consent (by theft of consent) does not become ok because it’s a woman doing it.

You are free to think theft of consent is fine when women do it.

I will never agree.

I remember in my daughters first relationship, boyfriend mother phoning me panicking - I said my daughter is on the pill (for other reasons at the time) ensued her saying but what happens if she forgets and I asked her what has she taught her son around ensuring that he wears condoms? My daughter used condoms in addition to her pill as she didn’t know his history and as parents we had open conversation around ensuring that she protected herself from STD etc

As parents we need to ensure the same conversations of responsibilities are for both daughters and sons - rather than pointing the finger only one way.

Can I implore those of us with sons to make sure that we tell them to sort their own contraception no matter what, and if they don’t they can’t moan when they impregnate a woman.

I know two who are open about it - both were married and planning to start families in a year or two when they had built up their careers and finances (they were in their mid twenties). Both ditched their contraception once they were married - they just didn't want to wait. Their husbands are fine with it.

I know plenty of others where I fully assume they started flushing their pill when they wanted to be pregnant and when their husband and partner wasn't "ready" and maybe never would have been it they had to agree in advance.

Ah ok.

Still deprives the child of additional financial support but if she feels able to manage I guess that’s ok.

Well it’s not the same thing. One is assault on a body, the other isn’t. The other is men being irresponsible.

Im not sure what’s hard to understand

My mum mentioned it passing that she had been married 2 years to my dad and he kept saying children later one day. She said she took matters into her own hands and told him they were expecting and he was delighted and very much loved my older sibling when they arrived. She said he just needed a nudge over the line. I suppose that alludes to something like you’ve suggested

Yes I realised the only example I know of the kind of thing in OP was a friend whose ex said he was infertile (and before anybody asks why she did not use contraception anyway - similar to men who don’t, she thought she would not have to.)

How is this an example of the OP if the husbands were fine with it??

This happened to a friend of mine.

He was seeing another girl, this girl apparently “trapped him” as they were friends with benefits - she wanted a relationship with him, he didn’t but was sure that she was on contraception. She gets pregnant, has the baby. Blurts out that she had planned it. She has tried everything to be with him. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her. The kid is probably 5 now. He is in the child’s life, but cannot stand the girl.

It’s just malicious. Obsessive and says a lot about the persons character.

Ok. 👍

Glad you agree. As does the law, which considers stealthing as rape

Ok. 👍

Yes, I do. Their relationship was circling the drain - primarily because she was physically violent and mentally abusive to him. She had a real hold over him somehow, and they were back and forth for a period of 3 weeks or so. During this time they basically oscillated between arguing and sex. A disaster.
She stopped taking her pill when she suspected she was going to leave him (after one of her regular violence and screaming sessions where she punched and scratched him in his eye, in front of her children). Lo and behold...
They ended up staying sort-of together for the sake of the child. Unsurprisingly everyone was miserable, child included. They're now pretty much split up, they live apart, and the teenage child is understandably a mess after seeing their parent's unhealthy relationship.

@Pavemw I hope you aren't going to ditch your friend over this, because it is actually none of your business.

She was desperate to have a baby before it was too late, so she took desperate measures. No, it's not the right thing to do but I can understand why she did it.

Of course you "can't imagine" it because you had "two in a happy marriage"! She didn't have that opportunity for whatever reasons. Can't you begin to empathise with how desperate she must have felt to do that? Plus she's literally been left holding the baby on her own!

I think that women who do this are deceitful and lack integrity.
Basically tricking a man for their own selfish gain. Not fair on the child either

She tricked the child's father!
Not fair, irrespective of her desire or circumstances

Tricking my arse. Men know fine well sex, with our without contraception, can result in pregnancy.

Someone worked with was in what was supposed to be a committed long term relationship.She in late thirties realized he was future faking and in a panic had a happy accident./ pill supposed to fail. He wanted abortion she did not, had baby, got married then three more children. Still together many years later.
Think this happened a lot, when men were expected to do the right thing and many did.
Think it must have happened a lot and some tried to conceal with a hasty marriage. Not saying it was right, but it happens. If either does not want a child they must act in their own interests and use contraception

Do you think the same when it’s the man doing the ‘tricking’