To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

Maybe they discussed the need for cc before having sex? Ie, was she on the pill or coil or whatever?
That could have happened

So you could go through a whole pregnancy and hand the child over without a second thought?

Right....!!

I worry that people think I lied about my contraception. I took the pill every night religiously and still managed to get pregnant!

If he adamantly didn't want to be a father, then he shouldn't have taken it on trust.

I know two women who did this, and were completely open and unabashed about it with their female friends, though neither told the father. One isn't with her partner (they were married for a while) and I lost touch with the other.

Women do everyday. That’s what adoption is (and even baby abandonment).

But I am talking about not wanting to have a child and not being part of that child’s life. If I did not want a child I would not be a mother to it. I am just lucky I have more options to make that a reality.

Contraception aside, it was consensual sex.

Not by lying about contraception as such, but I know someone who goy pregannt by telling the new partner that she couldn't have children.

Or an irresponsible fool. Depends how you look at it I guess. I look through a lens of men should take responsibility for their contraception if they don’t want kids 🤷‍♀️

I know of someone who had a genuine accident when her kids were older tweens/early teens, no plans for an other kid at that point. She had a miscarriage but was then desperate for another baby, maybe driven by hormones, but her dh was not. She stopped birth control to get pregnant again without telling him. She came clean after she was pregnant and they worked through it. They both dote on the resultant youngest child.

Yes I know someone who did this

Uninformed consent is not truly consent.

I know the law says otherwise (in England and Wales) hence me calling it theft of consent.

That's not how it works...

Women who have to give their children up for adoption normally very much want that baby but can’t keep it for whatever reason and I’m sure they do “give it a second thought”.

Try pressing charges on that basis...

Ex SIL proudly told us she'd lied to her fairly new DP about being on the pill because she wanted a baby. Apparently it wasn't fair that I was pregnant with DC2 and she didn't have any. A few weeks earlier she'd told us she didn't think she liked him that much.

2 other mums I know were discussing wanting their 4th. Their DHs had both said no, but as far as they were concerned it was up to them as the women. They've both gone on to have baby number 4. And 5 and 6 for one of them. I don't know that they lied about contraception, but they certainly said they thought it was OK to do so.

Many have no choice but many others do and realise that for whatever reason motherhood is not for them right now. I was pointing out it is incorrect to say no woman can give up a child she has carried to term and not be part of its life. It happens everyday (not even considering those kids whose moms walk out on them.)

I have a friend who I'm pretty sure did this. I think she was desperate though she swears blind it was an accident.

If I was desperate for a child and time was running out I can't hand on heart say I'd be super careful about contraception, but I wouldn't lie.

No. I know of two husbands though who knew wife wasn't on contraception (issues there, advised by GP) and couldn't really be arsed with a condom and then went all wide eyed when it resulted in a pregnancy. Fuckers. One couple split up, the other , the wife had an abortion then a mental breakdown. I don't see it lasting much longer either.

Read what you quoted.

It’s only two sentences, not difficult.

Ok 👍

Yes, my sister in law.

If he didn't want kids that much why didn't he use a condom. ?

It's something I've always drilled into my DS. If you get a girl/woman pregnant and she decides to keep it then you actually have no say in the matter and just spend 2 decades coughing for for a child you didn't plan. Therefore protect yourself from this by using a condom. Even if she claims to be on the pull, inferti, coil fitted etc

So did she actually tell him she was using contraception?

I strongly suspect a friend of mine got pregnant this way, she got pregnant after mere months of knowing her partner ‘accidentally’, except a month before she got pregnant she told me and another friend that she wanted a baby in the next year… then when she was pregnant it was an ‘accident’ and ‘so shocked’ hmm yeah right.. they’re still together though