To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

My SIL did.

The only time I ever hear the words “She lied about taking contraception” is on places like MN, when people are trying to discredit a woman, or they are trying to make a point that Not All Men are bad, or arguing against men paying child maintenance, or even comparing it to rape by condom removal. It’s ALWAYS a drunken confession from a friend too.

I mean it’s one of those things anyway that men could easily take care of, but don’t because heaven forbid they don’t get their dick wet. Women actually have around a 2 day window a month to get pregnant. 24 days a year. But even though men know they can get a woman pregnant 365 days a year they barely give contraception a second thought and then act all surprised when the act of sex does what it’s supposed to - produce a baby. No sympathy .

Yes I know one, and they got married a few weeks later because of it. She admitted to it years later. He probably had an inkling at the time. They may or may not have stayed together otherwise, idk.

I don't think that you should end the friendship over this. It sounds like she was desperate to have a baby, time was running out and she was caught between a rock and a hard place - either she tricked this man or she faced a lifetime without a child (which to her, was presumably something that she couldn't cope with). Both options not great. I'm not suggesting what she did was OK, but I can see why she did it. (No, I did not do this!)

All this nonsense about “she trapped him”. No one made him have sex with her without a condom. If men REALLY don’t want kids why don’t they take all the preventions available? It’s easy and cheap, you’d think it would be a no brainer

I know one. My very close friend, she was desperate to have a child a said she was on the pill to a very casual relationship. He has never been involved with the child, who is 8 now.

You should be doing more than using condoms if you 100% don't want a child, since they aren't 100% effective.

No I don't.

What? It’s fucking disgusting and I wouldn’t want friends who would selfishly change someone’s life like this

Same here. Lots of men have kids like this and then walk away abandoning the kids when they feel like it. It’s terrible for these poor children and their mothers.

The only way to 100% avoid impregnating a woman is abstinence. But men don’t want that. They want to have sex without condoms, put all the responsibility on a woman they may not even trust and cry “trapped!” When sex results in conception. And the army of Pick Me’s are right behind them clutching their pearls and saying “It’s disCUSting!”

Yes. She told her ex husband that due to an anomaly of her uterus she was unable to get pregnant. No periods, HRT to manage symptoms.
She kept her family at arms length during the first few months of their relationship and came up with countless excuses about why her DH couldn't meet her family every time he suggested a BBQ or some such.
She went as far as lying about hospital appointments to manage the pain she experienced due to her reproductive issues.
9 months after their first official date she was miraculously pregnant.
When DH finally met her family he was overjoyed to share the news.
'She has absolutely no fertility issues' her DM said. '
Her line manager (my DD godmother) was very close to her DH until their wedding and supported this woman throughout. She introduced them. ( She regrets telling her former friend and colleague that he was rich and single but shy because the friend moved into a flat in the village two weeks later. )
She was 6 months pregnant with another miracle baby when they got married.
She also told me that she'd been on the same course at Uni as me and remembered me from seminars and tutorials. If it wasn't for the fact that I'd helped my friend narrow down the applications that included hers, a casual listener would have believed her.
Turns out she'd pumped my friend and my DH for my background several times and had done it to others in the group just to ingratiate herself.
Her DH wedding present to her was him getting the snip.
It all came out when he had enough of her lies and divorced her.
He's got full custody of his beautiful,clever ,and funny DC's because she tried to take him to the cleaners.
She rarely sees them because they aren't the cash flow she thought they'd be either during or after marriage.
So yes,after that epic,I do know a woman who lied about contraception.
The village they live in right mental though.

Yes. My mum.

I know of someone - I used to know her very, very slightly as a friend of a friend of a friend and had already lost touch before I heard this story on the grapevine, so I've never heard her side of the story.

This couple were married and had one child that they both wanted. Then she wanted another and he didn't. She had been on the pill and just stopped taking it. I don't know whether she spontaneously told him what had happened when she got pregnant, or whether he got suspicious and asked, but one way or the other, when he knew what she'd done he split up with her. He felt that that was a deception serious enough to be equivalent to having an affair. She kept the baby and he kept in touch with her and still saw both children, but they never lived together again. They were just like any other divorced family except they got divorced (or at least started the process) before the second child was born.

I know someone who had one nights stands until she got pregnant as she really wanted a kid. The dad pays but that’s all.
she freely admit it

No, but when my DP and I are having issues because I wanted children and he didn't, I was incredibly surprised by how many people advised me to engineer the situation to have an 'accident'. I found it really shocking, tbh, as I would never do this.

It is comparable to stealthing though. It clearly is.

At a minimum it is theft of consent.

And many commenters here are giving examples of men engaging in that behaviour (by lying about vasectomies or being “infertile”.)

All the same shitty behaviour.

In that situation get a sperm donor. Honest and upfront and not need to deceive anybody.

Of course it’s not comparable to stealthing!! Stealthing is an assault on a woman’s body and an STD risk. The other isn’t brilliant behaviour but it’s also a symptom of men taking taking responsibility

Really? Not sure how I got pregnant with a coil in on purpose, but ok.

Does she get child maintenance at least? The child still needs support (even if I am fine with a man not being involved with a child they did not want and thought was being prevented.)

I've no sympathy for men who claim that she lied about contraception, more fool them for relying on someone to take a pill. They should have controlled their own contraception if they were bothered.

Clearly it’s deceitful and very wrong morally but men should be using a condom every single time if they absolutely don’t want a child. I don’t understand why you’d place so much trust in the other person especially if it’s not a serious thing or you’re having relationship issues already. But anyway, if she is a good friend otherwise then I don’t think it’s worth losing her over it.

I think this is very different from wilfully lying.

Also sounds incredibly reckless for her own health.

It’s definitely failed contraception when men don’t bother using a condom