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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My partner left my birthday

206 replies

NiftyRoseDreamer · 03/01/2025 14:24

So it was my birthday yesterday. My partner and I live together an hour away from my family house. The plan was to go to my family house and go out to lunch, then at night time my partner and I were going to spend time together and stay over at the family house (he never agrees to stay over so i’ve been very excited about this). After lunch, I was in conversation with my family (some which he never met) and he went to call his parents. When he came back he said that he had to leave immediately due to a family emergency. He left very quickly without saying goodbye to my family and caught public transport even though i had a car and said that we’d leave together. When he got home he was messaging me saying that he felt left out and that my family were very rude for doing that. He also said that it wasn’t just because of the family emergency that he left. He didn’t write me a card, he sent me money a few weeks ago to buy my own gifts (he didn’t pick out any of them). I’m still grateful for the gifts but I told him that I appreciate the thought over the gift. He was really rude to me for the rest of the night over text trying to fight with me etc. I was crying the whole night of my birthday and felt very upset. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Marleigh0 · 03/01/2025 14:47

Were you and your family rude to him? If not, he's a prick.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/01/2025 14:48

What are his good points?

FartfulCodger · 03/01/2025 14:53

I bet that if you start looking more closely at his behaviour in general, you’ll see patterns. I would be looking to leave this relationship ( I’ve been in a similar one, with someone who expected people to fawn over him and couldn’t stand it if someone else was centre of attention, ruined many birthdays and special occasions, and was generally thoughtless)

MaterCogitaVera · 03/01/2025 15:01

I’m so sorry, OP! There will be more, and better, birthdays to come, but it’s shit that your partner ruined this one for you.

I assume there’s no actual bad behaviour from your family to him? Nobody was deliberately offensive or turning their back on him when he tried to engage? Unless he has some very genuine cause to complain, which it doesn’t sound like he does, he’s just having a sulk. I’ve had a couple of partners like this, when I was younger, (although neither of them behaved quite this badly). I wish I’d had more experience and had ended the relationships at once, because it was a big red flag that they were unable to manage their own emotions, unwilling to make compromises, and expected everyone else to cater to them and make them comfortable at all times.

Learning how to be a gracious participant in events where you know few people is part of being an adult. It can be a bit boring, and even a bit uncomfortable, but you suck it up for the sake of your partner. After the first couple of times things usually become easier; if they don’t, you discuss it, and come up with a strategy together.

Now, maybe you could have done more to include your partner and to make sure he wasn’t feeling left out? I don’t know - ask yourself whether that’s something to consider next time you introduce a partner to your family. But honestly, even if you weren’t as attentive as you could have been, his reaction was out of order. If he was uncomfortable he needed to use his words and tell you. He had the right to want to leave, but not to be sulky and mean about it. It was unkind and emotionally immature. In your place, I’d be reconsidering this relationship.

OverthinkingOlive · 03/01/2025 15:02

He's a wimp

Starlight7080 · 03/01/2025 15:03

He turned the day into all about him . Very selfish and shows what type of person he is

OtterlyMad · 03/01/2025 15:09

Does he have any redeeming qualities at all?

Coffeesnob11 · 03/01/2025 15:10

I have a habit for picking abusive men, they all acted like this, whenever things weren't about them they blamed me or made up stories. I would take this as a sign to consider whether you want to continue this relationship. Most people would have put up for the sake of you and had a word after if your family really were rude (they probably weren't, you know them better than him)

LurkyMcLurkinson · 03/01/2025 15:20

If you don’t think your family was rude to him I think you seriously need to consider the possibility that he’s attempting to isolate you from people with this behaviour.

mummylove24 · 03/01/2025 15:21

your family and you perhaps didn’t include him and made him feel uncomfortable and left out, OK that’s bad and he made up an excuse and left (I would do the same)

BUT then to start texting you starting a fight to make you feel bad on your birthday instead of waiting til the next day is just as bad as well

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2025 15:24

If you don't dump him YABU. If you do, YANBU.

Heretobenosy · 03/01/2025 15:24

mummylove24 · 03/01/2025 15:21

your family and you perhaps didn’t include him and made him feel uncomfortable and left out, OK that’s bad and he made up an excuse and left (I would do the same)

BUT then to start texting you starting a fight to make you feel bad on your birthday instead of waiting til the next day is just as bad as well

You’d leave your partner on their birthday because their family made you feel left out? I’d suck it up for their sake and address their rudeness at a later date.

Andywarholswig · 03/01/2025 15:26

How old are you, as he sounds about 12! He needs to get a grip and I would seriously think about whether this is a relationship you want to invest in

mummylove24 · 03/01/2025 15:41

Heretobenosy · 03/01/2025 15:24

You’d leave your partner on their birthday because their family made you feel left out? I’d suck it up for their sake and address their rudeness at a later date.

Yes. You’re tougher than me 😂

Itiswhysofew · 03/01/2025 15:43

Did anxiety get the better of him? If not, HIBU. Is this regular behaviour from him?

What's his reason for not wanting to visit your family home?

He sounds too much like hard work and not very nice with it. Don't spend your time worrying about someone who upsets you. You deserve better.

Billydavey · 03/01/2025 15:49

if your family were rude then good on him leaving. I can imagine someone posting on here being told to “just go home”

if they weren’t then he was out of order

need more info before we can condemn him and decide he’s an arse (although many have already decided that)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/01/2025 15:53

End of that relationship then!

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 03/01/2025 15:59

Sound controlling - he could be trying to isolate you from your family. Also having a tantrum to make himself the centre of attention. Run a mile!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2025 16:30

Billydavey · 03/01/2025 15:49

if your family were rude then good on him leaving. I can imagine someone posting on here being told to “just go home”

if they weren’t then he was out of order

need more info before we can condemn him and decide he’s an arse (although many have already decided that)

Well this He didn’t write me a card, he sent me money a few weeks ago to buy my own gifts (he didn’t pick out any of them). means he's an arse. We can infer from context.

Looks like someone who doesn't want OP to have a happy birthday.

Although the handmaidens and apologists will decide he's allowed to be shit.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 03/01/2025 18:20

What a miserable birthday for you OP.
Your boyfriend sounds very childish and unkind. Do you think your family were being unfriendly? But even if so, he could have taken you aside and asked you to help him get to know them rather than doing a runner. He sounds a bit of a liability as a partner.

NiftyRoseDreamer · 04/01/2025 00:42

mummylove24 · 03/01/2025 15:41

Yes. You’re tougher than me 😂

My family were not rude to him. They are lovely people, they just paid for his meal and are always respectful and kind to him. Some of the family members there hadn’t seen me in 3 years so they were catching up with me. Both of us were in conversation with my family until he just went on his phone for half an hour. Thats when he walked away. He also got angry that I didn’t follow after him to see why he walked away and check if he was ok. This is where he made his decision to leave. If he had told me at that time that he was feeling left out I would’ve left with him to go get food together or something similar. He waited until he got home to tell me that it was because of me and my families rudeness that he left. He proceeded to fight with me all night calling me selfish etc. (He is 25M and I am 22F).

OP posts:
NiftyRoseDreamer · 04/01/2025 00:46

MaterCogitaVera · 03/01/2025 15:01

I’m so sorry, OP! There will be more, and better, birthdays to come, but it’s shit that your partner ruined this one for you.

I assume there’s no actual bad behaviour from your family to him? Nobody was deliberately offensive or turning their back on him when he tried to engage? Unless he has some very genuine cause to complain, which it doesn’t sound like he does, he’s just having a sulk. I’ve had a couple of partners like this, when I was younger, (although neither of them behaved quite this badly). I wish I’d had more experience and had ended the relationships at once, because it was a big red flag that they were unable to manage their own emotions, unwilling to make compromises, and expected everyone else to cater to them and make them comfortable at all times.

Learning how to be a gracious participant in events where you know few people is part of being an adult. It can be a bit boring, and even a bit uncomfortable, but you suck it up for the sake of your partner. After the first couple of times things usually become easier; if they don’t, you discuss it, and come up with a strategy together.

Now, maybe you could have done more to include your partner and to make sure he wasn’t feeling left out? I don’t know - ask yourself whether that’s something to consider next time you introduce a partner to your family. But honestly, even if you weren’t as attentive as you could have been, his reaction was out of order. If he was uncomfortable he needed to use his words and tell you. He had the right to want to leave, but not to be sulky and mean about it. It was unkind and emotionally immature. In your place, I’d be reconsidering this relationship.

My family were not rude to him. They are lovely people, they just paid for his meal and are always respectful and kind to him. Some of the family members there hadn’t seen me in 3 years so they were catching up with me. Both of us were in conversation with my family until he just went on his phone for half an hour. Thats when he walked away. He also got angry that I didn’t follow after him to see why he walked away and check if he was ok. This is where he made his decision to leave. If he had told me at that time that he was feeling left out I would’ve left with him to go get food together or something similar. He waited until he got home to tell me that it was because of me and my families rudeness that he left. He proceeded to fight with me all night calling me selfish etc. (He is 25M and I am 22F).
If it were the other way around I definitely would’ve sucked up the 30 mins of feeling left out for my partner. I never want him to feel left out but i know I would never leave my partner after knowing how much that day meant to them.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 04/01/2025 00:50

OP- dump him.

He is an adult, he can make conversation with people while you catch up with your family. He is being manipulative, and it won’t get better

BrieHugger · 04/01/2025 00:50

He’s going to dump you so do it first

PennyApril54 · 04/01/2025 00:54

Oh get rid of this man baby how dare he insult your family when they had shown kindness . You deserve better. X