My partner left my birthday

[NiftyRoseDreamer]

So it was my birthday yesterday. My partner and I live together an hour away from my family house. The plan was to go to my family house and go out to lunch, then at night time my partner and I were going to spend time together and stay over at the family house (he never agrees to stay over so i’ve been very excited about this). After lunch, I was in conversation with my family (some which he never met) and he went to call his parents. When he came back he said that he had to leave immediately due to a family emergency. He left very quickly without saying goodbye to my family and caught public transport even though i had a car and said that we’d leave together. When he got home he was messaging me saying that he felt left out and that my family were very rude for doing that. He also said that it wasn’t just because of the family emergency that he left. He didn’t write me a card, he sent me money a few weeks ago to buy my own gifts (he didn’t pick out any of them). I’m still grateful for the gifts but I told him that I appreciate the thought over the gift. He was really rude to me for the rest of the night over text trying to fight with me etc. I was crying the whole night of my birthday and felt very upset. Am i being unreasonable?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He has shown you that when he's not the centre of attention, he will storm off (even if there was an emergency, I'd imagine that other people would have been able to help had he said "I'm sorry I can't get to do X or Y for you today, I'm with @NiftyRoseDreamer for her birthday, can it wait and I'll do it tomorrow?"), that he gave you money and didn't put any thought into getting you a gift. He didn't even get you a birthday card!!!! Then he was rude to you on your birthday.

I cannot see this relationship lasting, if I'm being completely honest. You'll have to decide if this is how you want your birthdays or any sort of celebration to go in the future.

Belated happy birthday to you.

This post nails it.

He thinks everything has to be all about him. It really doesn't. Don't waste your time, self-esteem or relationships with friends and family on this guy. He couldn't even be bothered to write you a birthday card and just transferred you some cash for your birthday. He is showing you exactly how much of his thought and attention he thinks you deserve.

Absolutely this!

He's abusive. Break up.

Like many of the wise women of mumsnet have said, he's an abusive piece of shit. Get away from him as fast as you can.

Honestly, he's not a nice person and if you look back you'll see it's not the first time he's behaved like this. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM so don't even try.

OP do you get the message yet? every reply here is telling you the same and to run for the hills. Throw this one back in the swamp where he belongs.

He's using this to manipulate you. Leave him I would.

Even if your family were rude to him (and from your updates, it seems like the opposite), his behaviour is not how adults behave. He could have pulled you to one side and explained the situation, or sucked it up for the day, because it was a special occasion to celebrate you. That’s what loving partners do.

The fact that you say if he’d have said something, you’d have left with him is concerning. You shouldn’t have to drop your plans, to cater to him. No one says “family emergency” outside of work. They explain the situation (e.g. “my mum has had an accident and has been taken to hospital). If he’s not stayed over before at your family home, it suggests that this isn’t the first time he’s put himself and his wants above your happiness.

You’re 22 and have ample time to find a better forever partner than this guy. It’s upsetting to go through a break up, but if you stay with this man, you’re highly likely to look back in years to come and wish you’d not lost so much time to someone so undeserving.

How embarrassing for him, he’s behaved like an utter tool. I couldn’t tolerate this, and you shouldn’t either.

Please dump him.

You are 22, this is when you get to 'try on' a relationship, and if it doesn't 'fit', it goes back.

It's better to try many than try to make one fit, that obviously is a poor fit.

You sound lovely, as do your family.

He sounds like a big man baby.

This will be you, establishing a boundary. These boundaries will enable you to understand what a healthy relationship should look like. This is not one of them.

You deserve better! I have the rudest in laws but I tolerate them because I love my husband and they are his parents.
If he can't do one night with your family who sound like nice people, then he is not the one xxx

@NiftyRoseDreamer read your updates. He is not a keeper. He is all ‘me me me’. He is trying to isolate you. He didn’t like you being centre of attention or, God forbid, enjoying yourself.

You can do so much better OP. I think you should ditch him and find the nicer man that you deserve

What? He was the one who was rude and obnoxious. What was the family emergency? I very much doubt there was one. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and clearly finds it difficult for you to be the centre of attention. I would get rid.

If you don’t end the relationship, this is going to happen again and again. This time next year he’ll throw a tantrum and won’t even go to your family because of ‘how rude they were’ to him. If you go without him he’ll have a fit because you’ll be choosing them over him.

Life is not going to be happy and harmonious with this man. You may feel you love him, but in time you will look back and realise that this is not what love is.

How unfair on you OP for him, adult man, to completely ruin your birthday. And the run up to it was far from ideal. There is no justification for his behaviour. If someone would have been actually rude to him maybe then. But adult man should be able to cope one event, especially your birthday, even if he feels left out. He literally made it all about him without giving your feelings any space or thought. How childish and selfish of him.

Something bit similar happened with my partner when visiting my family whom I'd not seen for over a year. I was the same: busy catching up with them, I saw my partner chatting to people too and noone was definitely rude to him. At the end of the night when it was just the two of us he was huffing and puffing until I eventually asked him whats wrong. Apparently I hadn't given him enough attention and he was questioning whether I even wanted him to be there. All because he is so used to me chatting to him most times, he was really struggling me giving all my attention to my family. Crazy right and completely unreasonable. And it's horrible because you know you didn't do anything wrong but it still makes you feel bit shitty.
Oop sorry about the long post.

Sounds like my exbil.

My sister bought and wrapped her own gifts for 20 years. He ruined any party/gathering by being rude/hungover.

She saw the light eventually but only after wasting 20 years of her life and bringing up two very messed up kids :(

Run, op. Dump the pathetic man-child. He has shown you who he is. Pay attention. You are still so young. You have your whole life ahead of you.

In that case, he’s absolutely in the wrong, and I would not be able to forgive him for this behaviour. He was rude, sulky, and very unkind, apparently because his ego wasn’t satisfied by being a bit sidelined for half an hour. I’m so sorry. I hope you will give yourself the birthday present of telling him that he may not treat you this way. If he can’t see that he was wrong, apologise, and change his behaviour, he doesn’t deserve to be with you.

Many many years ago (in the 70s) my ex ruined my 21st party just like this - flounced off because I wasn't paying him enough attention. His own parents were at the party and were mortified. He phoned me when he got home and said it was finished and he would bring back my things tomorrow (we didn't live together but I had a few bits at his parents' house).

I ended up crying on the night of my party with all my friends trying to comfort me. He phoned again apparently to apologise, but my wonderful mother frostily told him I was too upset to come to the phone.

Why on earth did I end up marrying him after that? He showed me who he was - and he often sulked and I had to try and manage his emotions for him and pick my battles for twenty odd years. Don't be me.

He got the hump because he wasn’t centre of attention and made you have a miserable birthday as punishment. He LIED to you about a family emergency and then fought with you?

He will only get more abusive, dump him. You deserve better. A good man will bask in the glow of you, not be angry you are happily talking to your own family having not seen them in years.

OP, you must dump him as he’s simply not worthy of the effort you’ve been wasting on him. He didn’t even attempt to buy you a birthday present!! Men like this won’t change other than on a temporary basis to appease you, then they’re back to being pricks.

Hopefully, you’ll listen to an older woman who regrets wasting their youth on selfish men who didn’t deserve them. I missed taking up further training in a professional career because my ex wanted me working f/t in order to support him studying f/t inc. not working during the student holidays. I completed my degree first on a p/t basis whilst working f/t and it was hard work so I stupidly believed that I should help him to have an easier time of it! What an idiot I was. He graduated, got a great new job and within 6 months had fucked off with a younger woman from work, when I was pregnant. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Thankfully, you’re still young and not married and don’t have kids together.

He’s a self absorbed Wankbadger.

Dump!

Totally agree. Unless it is about him or what he wants to do, he sabotages.

This. Fuck him off, he’s a selfish, controlling twat.

This!