My partner left my birthday

[NiftyRoseDreamer]

So it was my birthday yesterday. My partner and I live together an hour away from my family house. The plan was to go to my family house and go out to lunch, then at night time my partner and I were going to spend time together and stay over at the family house (he never agrees to stay over so i’ve been very excited about this). After lunch, I was in conversation with my family (some which he never met) and he went to call his parents. When he came back he said that he had to leave immediately due to a family emergency. He left very quickly without saying goodbye to my family and caught public transport even though i had a car and said that we’d leave together. When he got home he was messaging me saying that he felt left out and that my family were very rude for doing that. He also said that it wasn’t just because of the family emergency that he left. He didn’t write me a card, he sent me money a few weeks ago to buy my own gifts (he didn’t pick out any of them). I’m still grateful for the gifts but I told him that I appreciate the thought over the gift. He was really rude to me for the rest of the night over text trying to fight with me etc. I was crying the whole night of my birthday and felt very upset. Am i being unreasonable?

OP, please listen to all you've been told here.
It will only get worse. It's already started; the total lack of respect regarding the whole of your birthday, from the presents/card, to the party and beyond.
And the fact that you'd have left your own get together, with family you hadn't seen for 3 years, just to make him "comfortable" is troubling. His gaslighting has already started.
If he's like this after a year and a half, then what about 5 or 10 years down the line? You'll have no family or friends, he will destroy everything and everyone you hold dear. Until you're left with no-one but him. Typical narcissistic behaviour.
Please lovely, don't spend another minute in this relationship, you are worth far more.
My mum had a saying, "the onlooker sees more of the game". And it's true, we've all read your post, we can all see what you can't, because you're in the thick of it.
Sending you luck and hoping you find the strength to stand firm and get away from this controlling piece of shit ASAP 💐

Classic narcissist

You can do better - he will only get worse.

Sounds just like an ex of mine. I have never for a moment regretted not being with him anymore, even though I loved him. His behaviour was just consistently selfish and self absorbed. You are young. Leave him and don’t look back. Mr Right is still out there.

Nope, nope and nope.

Take it from me, a 47 year old woman, and the other ladies on here advising you the same thing, that this man is demonstrating abusive behaviour.

I can guarantee you that he had absolutely no intention of staying at your family home.
(I’d put money on there not being a family emergency).

He cooked up some drama to get attention and to try and get you to leave and go back home with him. He’s pissed off that you didn’t run along with him when he wanted to leave.

So, because you didn’t do what he expected and wanted you to do, he started a fight to ensure he ruined your birthday and your time with your family. Because if he’s not happy, then in his mind you shouldn’t be either. He started a fight purely to ruin your evening and to punish you for not giving in to his wants and showing him all the attention he expected.

I’m no psychologist, but I do know narcissistic traits when I see or hear them. And this guy is waving them red flags all over the place.
You didn’t do what he wanted, so he punished you by picking a fight and ruining your birthday.

It’s controlling behaviour. He’s purposely upsetting you so that you’ll feel too scared to do this again and next time you’ll do what he wants.

I say all of this from experience. I’ve dated men who are the same. They throw you some good times out to keep you hooked (love bombing) and then turn on you when you least expect it and have you walking on eggshells. Scared about what they’ll kick off about next.

You are young and have loads of time for future relationships. Don’t put up with this behaviour from this one.

Sounds like my ex, couldn't stand to celebrate anything to do with my birthday, or anything else where the spotlight wasn't on him. It got worse over the years, cut your losses, it's common amongst abusive men, it serves to isolate you from friends and family as you don't want to risk him behaving badly, they want you to be isolated from those who might support you

@NiftyRoseDreamer : not RTFT only your posts - but I’m pretty sure everyone will be saying the same thing - get rid of him. He’s lazy, selfish and very rude: he can’t be bothered to get you presents, he’s rude to you and your family; he lets you down and embarrasses you on your birthday. It’s your birthday but he makes it about him. Don’t fight to stay with someone who thinks it’s okay to treat you like this.

I bet youre on eggshells a lot too. I had one just like this. Could work himself up over any tiny perceived slight and then manage to make it all my fault. Utterly selfish and emotionally on the level of
a toddler. Thats harsh on toddlers An absolute twat. Didnt regret getting rid of him once

He wants you to finish with him. Doesn’t have the balls to do it himself so is inventing “rude behaviour” as the reason. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Go grey rock but also act as though nothing is wrong and let him tie himself up in knots. Been on the receiving end of this behaviour before now and I just let them do all the damage and finish with me. I’d already mentally disengaged.

“DaringlyPurple · Yesterday 05:40

At your age you have all the options in the world. Don't waste another moment of your life and youth on this horrible and hostile man who wants to be the centre of the universe at all times. Look nobody would really call him for an emergency since he seems totally ineffectual. You're young so in the nicest possible way, I urge you to raise your bar a lot more for the next boyfriend - being pleasant, unsulky and with at least some limited ability to coverse with your relatives on a family occasion would be a start.”

I’ve just posted but @DaringlyPurple has said it much better. This guy’s a bastard. Get rid of him. This is not how a decent boyfriend behaves.

👏👏👏

Huge red flag! I had a very abusive BF in my thirties - he started out lovely but soon it became clear that friends and family needed to adore him and put him ahead of me or I was to go low contact. He would listen into phone calls and make snarky comments etc.

Very controlling behaviour! In my case it soon escalated and became physical violence, along with blatant lies, weird deceptions and all sorts.

Luckily I got out. Please don't wait for this monster to become physically abusive!

OMG, you're 22. You have so much life to live and fun to have.

There are 4 billion men on this planet. Find a better one and give this loser the boot.

Why do you think you don't deserve a better boyfriend?

My DH still goes on about me forgetting his birthday when he was 17. He's 48 soon.

I didn't forget but i was lazy and didn't get organised in time. I have apologised and done better every year since.

Not caring about your birthday is a small red flag if he genuinely didn't care and won't change once he knows.

Op I'd throw this one back and move home

He will have you isolated and friendless

Sorry but your boyfriend sounds like an immature little dickhead. It just sounds like he didn’t want to be there in the first place. As for not taking the time to buy you presents and just giving you money to buy your own tells me he doesn’t really care about you either. And that’s coming from another man. We know the signs

LTB, he's a massive, immature twat.

Oh @NiftyRoseDreamer honey, you're way too young for this bullshit! Please dump him, or in MN parlance LTB!

I should add.... No one should put up with this from a partner! But age sometimes helps you see the BS before it gets hold.

Geez, in this situation, HE would have got grief from ME for being on his phone at the family gathering - that's so rude. He's acting like he's 15, not 25.

So he was angry you didn’t follow him when he was allegedly on his phone for 30 minutes, who was he on the phone to? Also told you to pick your own present and not even a card?
He doesn’t sound to be bothered about the relationship. What does he do to make you feel good about yourself?
think long bc and hard about how you see this relationship going. Do you see yourself having kids? How would he be not being your number one priority?
could this be the start of trying to isolate you from family and friends? Think long and hard if you can behave how he wants you to, that’s making him number one at ALL times! Could you spend the next 40 or 50 years with him? I’ve worked with victims of domestic abuse. This is raising red flags to me.

He sounds absolutely pathetic- complete manchild. The fact that you would have considered leaving your family as well to go with him if he had said he was being “left out” is also concerning. Don’t put this idiot before your family. You are so incredibly young - get out. My husband loves spending time with my family and I do with his. It’s a basic consideration for a partner - you’re not asking for a lot.

It’s telling that you were asked about his good points and this was your response (i.e. you didn’t come up with any). Unless you thought you were being asked what good points you thought he was making in his argument with you? I would seriously be giving thought to the future of this relationship. He sounds immature and like he doesn’t care about you.

Sounds like he hasn't got the bottle to finish it, so just treats you horribly instead.

Agreed 100%

I already said dump him, but this is why. He isn’t going to get better, especially when he won’t accept he’s done anything wrong and worse still is trying to make you feel guilty. He’s acted appallingly and doesn’t give a fuck how he treated you or made you feel. All because he wasn’t centre of attention for five minutes on your birthday.