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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner left my birthday

206 replies

NiftyRoseDreamer · 03/01/2025 14:24

So it was my birthday yesterday. My partner and I live together an hour away from my family house. The plan was to go to my family house and go out to lunch, then at night time my partner and I were going to spend time together and stay over at the family house (he never agrees to stay over so i’ve been very excited about this). After lunch, I was in conversation with my family (some which he never met) and he went to call his parents. When he came back he said that he had to leave immediately due to a family emergency. He left very quickly without saying goodbye to my family and caught public transport even though i had a car and said that we’d leave together. When he got home he was messaging me saying that he felt left out and that my family were very rude for doing that. He also said that it wasn’t just because of the family emergency that he left. He didn’t write me a card, he sent me money a few weeks ago to buy my own gifts (he didn’t pick out any of them). I’m still grateful for the gifts but I told him that I appreciate the thought over the gift. He was really rude to me for the rest of the night over text trying to fight with me etc. I was crying the whole night of my birthday and felt very upset. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
WidgetDigit2022 · 04/01/2025 08:54

Weak man alert. What a prick. He’s got a mouth, he could speak to your family and engage them. It sounds like he gives zero shits about you OP. I would cut your losses.

catkatcatkat · 04/01/2025 08:56

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 04/01/2025 02:25

did you pre warn him there would be people there he didn’t know? did you introduce him to your family members he hadn’t meet and involve him in your conversations. sometimes people don’t realise they are being rude which may be the case here. if he was uncomfortable he had every right to leave. he shouldn’t have the argued with you all evening.

That doesn’t make any of his behaviour remotely acceptable.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/01/2025 09:00

sounds as if diddums didn't like not being the centre of attention.
Presumably he isn't chronically shy/introverted and has friends/copes in other social situations.
Combined with the lack of card and thought into gift giving, he sounds an inconsiderate twat - how long have you been together?

Personally I'd be reassessing the relationship.

TotemPolly · 04/01/2025 09:00

With respect to you , you are both quite young and maybe he hasn't had much experience with getting to know a family that isn't his and it made him stressed .

Having said all that , he's not a gawky teenager so shouldn't have acted like that , it shows his immaturity and personally I'd be questioning a future with him .

LostittoBostik · 04/01/2025 09:03

What was the emergency? Was it big enough to upset him emotionally?

If not, he's behaved in a way to make your day all about him and ruin it for you.

Have you been together long? It's a massive red flag in a new relationship. Maybe cool it for a while - or end it if you feel able.

lightsuns · 04/01/2025 09:05

Pay close attention to how partners treat you on your birthday. Directly linked to how special you are to them. Been there, seen it and read so many times on MN, too.

No one should put up with it, but at 22 you shouldn't give it a second thought; you deserve better than this.

BananaSpanner · 04/01/2025 09:06

End the relationship. He’ll tell you you’re wrong but the fact of the matter is you don’t have to give a reason to leave someone (although his behaviour is justification enough). No need to argue with him, just leave him, there’s better men than this out there for you.

PromoJoJo · 04/01/2025 09:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

Barney16 · 04/01/2025 09:13

I honestly wonder sometimes exactly why men think they can get away with such nonsense. If he felt uncomfortable or left out he should of a) tried to engage people in conversation or b) had a quiet word with you and explained how he felt or c) actually put up with it because the woman he loves was having a nice time on her birthday. However because he wasn't the centre of attention he makes up a story and buggers off. He comes across as immature and selfish. As for the present thing that's again, absolute nonsense. When you love someone you do nice things for them because you love them. Texting you horrid messages, again nonsense. He's not a partner he's a selfish, self centered baby. You are quite right OP to be outraged by him. You should give him his marching orders. At the very least he has no manners.

Emiliaswrath · 04/01/2025 09:13

BrieHugger · 04/01/2025 00:50

He’s going to dump you so do it first

No, I doubt he will dump the op. This is abusive behaviour and it doesn't matter what the op does he will find a reason to behave this way, nothing the op does will ever be good enough and you will end up walking on egg shells trying to keep him happy. If he does dump, then it will only be so the op begs him not to and to teach a lesson. Been there, done that.
Get out now

Overtheatlantic · 04/01/2025 09:15

Emotional abuse. I was in a relationship like this when I was your age and my boyfriend was 25. He had anger and control issues. Please try to leave him. You deserve so much better, and this birthday scene is only the beginning. 💐 Happy birthday!

WeeWigglet · 04/01/2025 09:22

At 22 you're too young to be putting up with this shit.

Honestly, don't start to build your life around an immature man baby who can't cope with not being centre of your attention for 30 minutes.

Yet at the same time, can't be arsed to put in 30 minutes effort buy YOU a card & present.

What makes him so much more special than you?

Codlingmoths · 04/01/2025 09:22

Yabvvvu if you react in any other way than texting him thanks for the messages I think this isn’t working out, all the best.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 09:24

He's pathetic baby you're very young move onto the next one

Alainlechat · 04/01/2025 09:31

Narcs go for highly empathetic partners which you sound like OP. Be careful.

NameChangedOfc · 04/01/2025 09:39

NiftyRoseDreamer · 04/01/2025 00:46

My family were not rude to him. They are lovely people, they just paid for his meal and are always respectful and kind to him. Some of the family members there hadn’t seen me in 3 years so they were catching up with me. Both of us were in conversation with my family until he just went on his phone for half an hour. Thats when he walked away. He also got angry that I didn’t follow after him to see why he walked away and check if he was ok. This is where he made his decision to leave. If he had told me at that time that he was feeling left out I would’ve left with him to go get food together or something similar. He waited until he got home to tell me that it was because of me and my families rudeness that he left. He proceeded to fight with me all night calling me selfish etc. (He is 25M and I am 22F).
If it were the other way around I definitely would’ve sucked up the 30 mins of feeling left out for my partner. I never want him to feel left out but i know I would never leave my partner after knowing how much that day meant to them.

Show quote history

He's a manipulative P.O.S. Say your goodbyes: you are 22, you are a beautiful Spring. Don't let any miserable sulky man-child ruin your days. Happy Birthday to you, lovely 💐

NameChangedOfc · 04/01/2025 09:41

Alainlechat · 04/01/2025 09:31

Narcs go for highly empathetic partners which you sound like OP. Be careful.

And yes, he sounds like a full on narc: keep him away from you.

Nc261224 · 04/01/2025 09:43

Get rid - everything has to be about him only. You will always be a scapegoat.

BeMellowOchreZebra · 04/01/2025 09:46

@NiftyRoseDreamer this man is not a keeper. Move on.

Bobbing46 · 04/01/2025 09:49

I'd end the relationship. He ruined your birthday for no good reason. He felt left out and gad a tantrum. He could have just engaged in the conversation.

Whattodo2024 · 04/01/2025 09:49

What’s worrying here is that you haven’t dumped him immediately.

Chocolately · 04/01/2025 09:52

Well this is a really easy LTB. He just didn't like that the evening was all about you, and made it all about him.

ChiliFiend · 04/01/2025 09:53

As others have said, this is actually controlling behaviour - you probably can't see it yet as you're quite young, but I hope it gets through. I had a boyfriend like this who ruined some special times with my family. It was a long time ago but I still think about it now, as it turns out your time with your family who loves you is precious and they won't be around forever.

Bananalanacake · 04/01/2025 10:04

How Long were you together when you moved in. You're way too young to be tied to a controlling arsehole. Next time in a relationship give it a good few years before moving in, they are easier to dump that way.