My partner left my birthday

[NiftyRoseDreamer]

So it was my birthday yesterday. My partner and I live together an hour away from my family house. The plan was to go to my family house and go out to lunch, then at night time my partner and I were going to spend time together and stay over at the family house (he never agrees to stay over so i’ve been very excited about this). After lunch, I was in conversation with my family (some which he never met) and he went to call his parents. When he came back he said that he had to leave immediately due to a family emergency. He left very quickly without saying goodbye to my family and caught public transport even though i had a car and said that we’d leave together. When he got home he was messaging me saying that he felt left out and that my family were very rude for doing that. He also said that it wasn’t just because of the family emergency that he left. He didn’t write me a card, he sent me money a few weeks ago to buy my own gifts (he didn’t pick out any of them). I’m still grateful for the gifts but I told him that I appreciate the thought over the gift. He was really rude to me for the rest of the night over text trying to fight with me etc. I was crying the whole night of my birthday and felt very upset. Am i being unreasonable?

He’s just given you the best birthday present he could. He’s gifted you with the vision of your future.

22 please cut your losses and find someone who won’t ruin everything nice for you x

He obviously didn't like you having so much attention that didn't revolve around him.
This really is a sign of things to come .
I would put good money on him being super controlling as the years go by . Especially when it comes to your family .
Really take your time to consider his behaviour if you ever think about children.

@NiftyRoseDreamer Having spent 1.5 years together is no reason to stay another day longer. That time is not "lost" because it didn't work out. Each of your relationships will teach you valuable lessons - about yourself and life. I spent 9 years with someone who seemed like Prince Charming at the start and by the end was a violent, abusive alcoholic. If I had my time over, I'd happily have cut it short at 1.5 days. And he had all the hallmarks of yours - the keenness to isolate you is the biggest red flag of all because it's soon after that the abuse will start. A thousand times, @NiftyRoseDreamer, I cannot reiterate this enough. You absolutely must leave this person, as everyone else has pointed out. It won't get better from here, only worse.

My ex did very similar things, I ended up distancing myself from my family and then when he was emotionally abusive and repeatedly cheating and blaming me I felt totally alone and put up with it for years longer than I should. There were good times with him though too and it is hard but you are so young if you stay in this it will ruin your life and take you years to recover. This is jsut the start of this behaviour

This!!!

He is a complete wet blanket at best OP and a controlling narcissist at worst. Dump him. You're only 22 - find someone who is less of a selfish twat. That shouldn't be hard!

Honestly OP please, PLEASE save yourself from years of endless heartache with occasional moments of happiness.

This bloke is an utter waste of space.

I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire frankly.

He is the type that hates it, when he is not your sole focus. He's sounding manipulative and controlling, with the things he is saying. He needs to grow up and you need to leave him.

If you insist on learning the hard way, and the women advising you on here did, make sure your contraception is rock solid, you don't join finances and don't become dependent on him in any way.

This one's not a keeper but some people have to learn by doing. Don't make this your life though.

You could try pushing back on something, find one thing you want to hold your ground on, or one thing that's just for you, or something involving your family and just be a curious observer of whether he can do give and take, whether he can meet your needs, whether he can agree to disagree when opinions differ or accept responsibility when you feel let down. Whether he is pleased when you do things for you and have friends and see family. All things you should expect.
And keep trying to answer that question, what are his good points

Totally projecting here, but was hoping you might benefit from someone else’s experience.

I was in a relationship at your age and we broke up. I felt panicked that I wouldn’t find someone else and after I had a few months of feeling lost and alone, he asked me out again and we got back together. I wasted another 4 years with this guy, feeling unhappy about the kind of life I had and could expect in the future, but scared to be alone. When it finally ended (he was the brave one that pulled the plug, but I’d checked out long before that), I felt relieved. Only problem is, I was now a few years older, so ended up doing the things I wanted to do in my way (career, marriage, kids, travel) later. Because I felt I was running out of time, I wasn’t as picky as I should have been about the relationship I wanted and though I love my DH, our marriage is hard and I’m envious of others that seem to have smooth “on the same page” relationships.

My point is that if you’re already considering what your future will look like with this guy, be brave and good to yourself and tell yourself to hold out for a better relationship. Now’s the time to be completely wrapped up in your ambitions and dreams, so that you get to live the life you want. Don’t pander to someone else that is already showing you don’t come first, in their eyes.

OP I know this sounds patronising, but 1.5 years is the blink of an eye, it really is. Partnerships last decades.

You want 40+ years of this? Because he's showing you exactly who he is when under a tiny, tiny amount of discomfort. Imagine having a baby with a man like that - nightmare.

Sorry op but I think this is one where you need to reflect on your worth. Someone who didn't bother to write me a card and who sent me money to get my own gifts- nah. There's no excuse for that level of not giving a shit. My guess is that he's a complete narcissist, he didn't like that there was so much attention being focused on you and like a man-child he ruined your birthday to turn the tables so you'd be running after him rather than him making the effort he should be making.

You can make loads of excuses for his behaviour but really it's quite simple, he didn't want to bother getting you a card so he didn't, he didn't want to bother thinking of something nice to get you so he didn't, he didn't want to spend time with your family (which is clearly important to you) so he didn't. He didn't care about coming across as rude to your family and people important to you so he sat on his phone for half an hour. (I would assume someone sitting on their phone instead of taking part in a conversation around them didn't want to talk to me so I'd leave them to it).

He's not going to change because he's just doing what suits him. It suits him to have you running after him and doing all the leg work in the relationship because then he can sit back and do (not even) the bare minimum and get all his needs met while not really caring about your needs at all.

You aren't being unreasonable to be annoyed at this. You would be unreasonable to see it and not leave him. You're 22... kick him to the kerb and find someone who treats you properly, otherwise he will encourage you to drift from your family, will make no effort to respect or appreciate you and that will be the rest of your life. Hrtft but if you don't have kids, make sure you get out before you do. This is not someone you'd want to co parent with even separately. Red flags are hanging out of this guy.

Just read that you're only a year and a half into your relationship - this is the type of behaviour you'd not even expect to see from a couple 20 years married!!! You should still be in a honey moon phase where its romantic and he's making lots of effort and getting to know people you care about!!! It's hard to let go, but there's a really important life lesson in learning when it's time to cut your losses.

@NiftyRoseDreamer - Please leave - I speak from experience and it only gets worse.......
I put up with my Ex for 30 years - by the end my family were not allowed to my house because they were rude ( they were not !! ). I only got to see them twice a year by going to their house and when I got back I was shouted at, sulked on and given the silent treatment for daring to not cut ties with them.

I had red flags of his behaviour in the first year but I ignored it - Dont be me !!

One of the most important decisions you can make is who you hitch your wagon to Choose wisely as its better to be on your own than be in a bad relationship.

Ditch him and put yourself first......

I voted YABU, only because you’re still with him! Awful behaviour OP, I’m so sorry for you.
He sounds horrendous, please don’t waste any more time on him.

Your relative was right about him being on his phone, it's rude

My ex was like this and I ended up nearly being estranged from all my family and friends. I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me and we were like best friends doing everything together. My GOD it was only when I finally got out I realised just how bad his gaslighting was. Get out now before it’s too late. You’ll meet someone who absolutely deserves you and your lovely family. It’ll be hard but there’s so many red flags in his behaviour x

This behaviour will only escalate with time. Best off out of it.

DUMP HIM.

“He also got angry that I didn’t follow after him to see why he walked away and check if he was ok”.

And there we have it. You are in a relationship with a narcissistic man child.

Please give yourself a fabulous 2025 by dumping him. It’s not going to end well.

You need to see who he is here. If it was just the party I'd ask were they rude to him?

But:

He doesn't get you a birthday card despite them being cheap and important to you

He didn't organise you a present, if he didn't feel confident surprising you he could have asked for a list and bought them himself

He doesn't agree to stay with your family despite it being important to you (I accept there could be a reason here)

He was OK lying to you to leave your party. No one mentions a family emergency when you ring them. If there's an emergency they call you. It was an exit strategy. On your birthday. In front of your family.

He didn't excuse himself

And when you told him, you were understandably upset that he made no effort for a gift, a card, that he left abruptly and lied about why then told you it was your fault or your families fault he behaved that way. There was zero accountability. His feelings don't matter, his behaviour does.

You've seen who he is, he's had a year. It won't get better in 5... so he's either good enough or he's not. This is who he is so decide if he's right for you

Get rid get rid get rid
I had idiot exes like this in my early 20's. Spoilt birthdays or caused arguments at family events. It's for many reasons they do it to isolate you from your family, they want to spoil your special day and lower your self esteem.
Honestly dump this loser and move on.

Sounds like 25 going on 15.....feels like a prelude to manipulation.

He is not your partner. A partner would support you; a partner doesn’t make your birthday all about him; a partner does not embarrass you …. Need I go on. Just get rid