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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DS's girlfriend is taking the piss and he needs legal advice

206 replies

redwingparty · 30/12/2024 10:54

Keeping this short as I don't want DS to be outed, though I could write a very long post about this woman, but the main thing is:

DS2 has just bought a flat, his girlfriend has moved in and she is not paying him rent. She is lazy by nature (stayed with us at Christmas but refused to help prep food, lay the table or clear up afterwards because she 'didn't want to'; she spent most of her time in bed) She has just started a MW job and I overheard her say to DS that since he was not charging her anything to live with him, she will only do three days a week.

DS has a long commute, long hours and two second casual jobs at weekends.

I am worried that he will get fed up of her sponging off him but be unable to get her to leave the flat legally if it is her main home. What rights does she have?

Also she mentioned setting up a sideline business of her own from the spare bedroom of the flat which would involve strangers coming into the house. DS1 told me this is probably illegal and against the lease, and could invalidate the contents insurance. But I think DS would find it hard to say no to her (which in itself is a bit of a problem - he idolises her and she puts him down very subtly but frequently).

AIBU to think we should get some legal advice about her housing rights and rights to operate a small business (similar to hairdressing) from the flat?

OP posts:
EdgeofSeventy · 30/12/2024 10:57

What does your son want to do?
Are you going to do this behind his back?

mycatsanutter · 30/12/2024 10:57

She sounds a nightmare , all you can do is advise him without pushing him further away from you , tread carefully or he might stop confiding in you .

DarkDarkNight · 30/12/2024 11:03

It might be an idea to post this in legal to get some proper advice, but I think her not paying anything will be better for your son in terms of getting her out if he ever wants to. She’s neither a co-habiting partner contributing to the mortgage or a tenant paying rent. As an aside was the solicitor aware when he was buying the flat that there would be someone living with him?

MyPithyPoster · 30/12/2024 11:09

It’s normally a question that the mortgage company asked before handing over the money who exactly will be living in the property. I had a 16 year-old daughter living with me when I completed and they made her sign something to say that they could boot her out if they needed to repossess.
Maybe frame it along those lines to suggest that it might not be the best idea that she lives there

Octavia64 · 30/12/2024 11:14

If your DS owns the property and she is not either paying rent or married to him she has very few rights.

Hoppinggreen · 30/12/2024 11:16

I would agree with you but its not up to you to get legal advice.
You can suggest to your son he might want to look into it but unfortunately thats all

femfemlicious · 30/12/2024 11:19

Your son is in trouble since he cant say no to her. She will probably make him marry her.

commonsense61 · 30/12/2024 11:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Curtainqueen · 30/12/2024 11:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Yes. It isn't any of her business.

commonsense61 · 30/12/2024 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

InkHeart2024 · 30/12/2024 11:35

As long as she doesn't give him any money towards the mortgage (but she should pay bills) and he doesn't marry her she won't have any rights over his house. Running a business from home is a different question. He needs to find out the insurance implications of that and then man up to tell her she can't do it if he doesn't want her to.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2024 11:36

Your son is an adult. He needs to deal with this freeloader himself and preferably soon before she takes him to the cleaners. None of your business really op.

oakleaffy · 30/12/2024 11:36

Watch that she doesn’t get pregnant.

YankSplaining · 30/12/2024 11:39

YABU - because although there are serious problems here, your son is an adult, you don’t have a financial interest in the flat, and you need to let him make his own choices (even mistakes) without trying to rush in and save him.

Motnight · 30/12/2024 11:39

oakleaffy · 30/12/2024 11:36

Watch that she doesn’t get pregnant.

And how exactly will Op do that 😬

GreyBlackBay · 30/12/2024 11:41

She's just a house guest, he can kick her out any time he wants. It is better than her paying rent.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 30/12/2024 11:42

My advice here is to tread very carefully. You don't say how old your son is, but mine is now 30 and somewhat settled down, however, in his 20s he had several dubious relationships and I spent alot of time with my heart in my mouth saying and doing very little unless he came to me, which he often did.

If I tried to stick my oar in unprompted, he'd almost double down on going his own way, because "young bucks" like to think they know more than old crones who've been round the block.

I would say do your research very quietly and have it to hand, while keeping the lines of communication wide open. Even if the GF isn't your cup of tea, try to remain neutral and welcoming, as any hint of antipathy will give her ammunition to drive a wedge between you and your son. Once they're not living at home, it's very hard to do anything other than be ready with a safety net if it all goes wrong, unfortunately.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best, and your DS of course

RampantIvy · 30/12/2024 11:45

He needs to check the terms of his mortgage if the freeloader wants to run a business from his home.

Betchyaby · 30/12/2024 11:47

He is an adult and he has to learn for himself. Mothers pitting themselves against their son's gf/wife will very rarely go in the mother's favour. You should keep out of it.

Justalittlehotpotato · 30/12/2024 11:48

So regards her rights, if she ever does decide to pay some money towards the upkeep/ bills then that money would need to go into a separate account that your son’s mortgage is never paid from. That way even if she ever ‘made a claim’ for money paid to him, there is no evidence that the money was ever used towards his mortgage and therefore it can be shown as just money for bills etc. this will mitigate any risk. Then regards the business, many leasehold agreements have clauses about forbidden activities within the property, running a business from said property is usually one. Ex estate agent here.

LouiseTopaz · 30/12/2024 11:50

No point seeking legal advice if he doesn't want to. It would be a waste of money. I have a friend whose husbands like this she's happy for him not to work much and pay less towards finances, some people are. In fact I have a lot of friends in couples like this. I think it's hard for you to see this happening but if he's staying with her and happy you need to leave it be.

Fargo79 · 30/12/2024 11:51

Is he actually unhappy with this arrangement?

I would not be a part time stay-at-home girlfriend because she is putting herself in a precarious position should the relationship not work out. But if your son loves her, values her partnership and this is an arrangement they have come to mutually then I'm not sure on what grounds you are proposing to seek legal advice on his behalf.

Do you genuinely think this is an abusive or coercive relationship, or do you just not like the choices your adult son is making?

Doggielove · 30/12/2024 11:53

MistressoftheDarkSide · 30/12/2024 11:42

My advice here is to tread very carefully. You don't say how old your son is, but mine is now 30 and somewhat settled down, however, in his 20s he had several dubious relationships and I spent alot of time with my heart in my mouth saying and doing very little unless he came to me, which he often did.

If I tried to stick my oar in unprompted, he'd almost double down on going his own way, because "young bucks" like to think they know more than old crones who've been round the block.

I would say do your research very quietly and have it to hand, while keeping the lines of communication wide open. Even if the GF isn't your cup of tea, try to remain neutral and welcoming, as any hint of antipathy will give her ammunition to drive a wedge between you and your son. Once they're not living at home, it's very hard to do anything other than be ready with a safety net if it all goes wrong, unfortunately.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best, and your DS of course

I agree with this

the real issue is him working on his own boundaries and ability to put them into practice.

let’s hope it’s a learning curve

that said you never what privately goes on between two people

BobbyBiscuits · 30/12/2024 11:56

He can kick her out the flat whenever he feels like it. But presumably that's his decision, not yours. You sound like you're not keen on her. But it's his life. You're probably right in that he'll get sick of her, but it's not hard to get her out of the house. She's in quite a vulnerable position really so I'd hope he'd give her reasonable notice if he did want her to go.

LBFseBrom · 30/12/2024 11:57

mycatsanutter · 30/12/2024 10:57

She sounds a nightmare , all you can do is advise him without pushing him further away from you , tread carefully or he might stop confiding in you .

I agree. I honestly don't think there is much the op can do.

What is an MW job?

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