To leave over sausage in bread…

[Growingyou]

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

He knows he is the problem but he won't change. That is all you need to know.

You can make changes to yourself and your life.

Absolutely it would. How could he think that was ok to serve up? You deserve so much more, and I hope he gets what he deserves too. Leave. Be free.

Have you had any individual counselling OP, for either you or your DH, to help you with the emotional impact of your DC's illness? Just wondering if there is a relevant charity for their condition which might be able to offer support?

I know that doesn't address your marriage but it might help you. DD was ill early in her life, thankfully nothing critical, but the impact on our marriage and our emotional wellbeing was vast. The way we dealt with the impact was different too; DH was grumpy and cold whereas I was anxious and needed more affection.

I'm intrigued as to what his reason was for not doing Christmas dinner - did he have one?
Regardless, it does look like he's checked out. But I would take him up on the counselling. It should be useful for both of you whether you stay or decide to separate.

I think it’s difficult to advise of a few lines of text
all I can say is having high needs kids can suck the life out of any relationship

Do you mean Christmas Days food was a sausage and bread or today's?
If it was the Christmas day meal then yes, that's awful of him.
If it's Fridays meal using leftovers post Christmas/Boxing Day then completely reasonable. It does sound like you have bigger problems though.

I would be gone so fast, you wouldn't even see dust. And I'd also tell EVERYONE why.

If you split is he actually going to share residency/contact with DC or is going to be left to you with him turning up to be Disney Dad?

Yes, it was Christmas Day food. I was so confused. When we have extended family for Christmas lunch it’s always the full works - seafood, glazed ham etc. His explanation was that’s for everyone else but he wasn’t going to bother if it was just me.

So did you not discuss food before Christmas Day? Surely you’d have known there was no Christmas food in the fridge/freezer?!

He had one job. And you sound like you are making it out to be OP's fault that he did absolutely F all. Why is Christmas always seen as ultimately the woman's job to sort.

Not in any way excusing his behaviour - which sounds vile- but there is nothing quite like long term health conditions, to grind down a marriage.

I have seen it in my family, where one partner has a very difficult long term condition , and the other is worn out; mentally exhausted from carrying the load, and generally feeling under appreciated .There is a schism in their relationship that is clearly visible in the way they talk to one another these days.

Counselling may help you, ( sounds like DH will not engage) but is their physical help, such as carers, home help or childcare, that you can tap into via social services?

Sorry you are dealing with this. It does sound as if he resents the changed circumstances of your lives.

So his job this year was to sort food for Christmas and never mind making a Christmas dinner he didn’t even buy a basic grocery shop in so you couldn’t even have a “normal” meal?
I mean if there had been basic groceries in you could have made yourself something simple but it doesn’t sound like there was even in date bread in the house

that’s not good enough @Growingyou

it sounds like there is a big complicated picture but stripping that away there should be a basic respect in a relationship and there should be a basic understanding that to tun a house there is responsibility for everyone to pull their weight (taking into consideration the abilities each person has because you obviously have disabilities now)

he seemingly has checked out and knows this but doesn’t care that the effect of that is the family goes without because of it.

i do think you should seriously think about what you want your life to look like in the future because this isn’t good enough and it’s ok to know that and want better.
as suggested I think it would be helpful for you to find someone to talk to so you can more clearly articulate in a safe space you’re situation and work out what to do next.

Well the state if your marriage is what may be but sausages in stale bread isn't even a normal meal, let alone a Christmas Day one. It's just a roast with a few extra sides - didn't he want it for himself? Why celebrate Christmas at all then?
Actions speak volumes and he has checked out and I am so sorry.

This all sounds horrendous and the divorce rate in SEN parents is terrifyingly high.

Has he seen his GP re his mood?

That last sentence says it all.

He should be the person wanting to go above and beyond for his wife who is having a really tough time (this takes nothing away from his experience of those same events).

Don't think of it as releasing him from the life he doesn't want. You deserve better than him, everyone deserves better than the way he has treated you.

And your point is what. The OP has explained that her "DH" was supposed to be sorting that out.

What an horribly hard time you’re going through. I’m not surprised how hurt you are. If possible, go for counselling for yourself and seek out all the support you can.
I truly hope life feels a little lighter for you in the future.

His explanation was that’s for everyone else but he wasn’t going to bother if it was just me.

I think that that is one of the most heartless things I have ever read.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Yes he was, that’s not in dispute. You’d still
notice there wasn’t any. I could ask my husband to buy a turkey, I’d still notice if he hadnt!

I suspect that you are so far away from normal that you have lost perspective. You agreed a distribution of workload, but your DH didn't think you and your DC were worth care and attention.

There is part of me that wonders if you knew he would fail and avoided the normal conversations; was Tesco busy? did you manage to get everything you needed? Deep down, have you had enough and were looking for a reason to end it? I'm not judging btw it's fine You can leave for any reason you like and the only person you need permission from is you.

Well, that tells you where you are in his list of priorities doesn’t it. He’s done you a favour OP, although it may not feel like it now. He’s given you a very clear picture of where you stand. If you stay, that choice is entirely upon you.

Just think how much different (better!) your life could be by this time next year!

It is so sad, you are worth so much more.

Oh, and - this is the standard link to post on MN in situations like these. Do read it!

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288