To leave over sausage in bread…

[Growingyou]

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

His explanation was that’s for everyone else but he wasn’t going to bother if it was just me.

Whatever you choose to do with this 'marriage', hold on to this. He doesn't care about you, so until you leave, make sure you find ways to care for yourself whilst disengaging from him.

How awful OP, I am so sorry you are in this position. Leave him now whilst the children are young and will adjust and adapt to a new family life.

Well if he's not going to bother when it's just you then he doesn't value you.

TBH I think he's deliberately being a shit so you will leave him. That way it was your decision and it means he's not a shit to leave his critically ill child and disabled/ill wife. Even though he is being a shit because he wants to leave.

There must be a name for what men do when they behave so badly they force other people to make the decision for them.

Make a plan, consult a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. In the meantime, be sweetness and light to him. Nothing's a bother, everything is fine, you love him very much etc. It doesn't matter how awful he is, you are always lovely. Firstly this will drive him mad and you want him to be feeling crap. Secondly he will probably go bigger on being a shit. This will be more evidence for the divorce. Thirdly when you kick him out he will be very surprised and you will have all the control.

His statement was horrible but in any case he also had to feed your DCs on Christmas Day, didn’t he? It’s so easy to buy Christmas food that just needs to be bunged in the oven and so bad that he didn’t manage it.

Thats a point. What did the kids eat?

And get called a nag if you mention it no doubt

Tell him you want a divorce and he can be the main carer for the children

I’m sorry to say, I think he wants out but doesn’t have the balls to say it or to take responsibility so he’s being a dick to sabotage the relationship and hoping that you’ll end it.

You deserve better treatment than that. I’d have a choice between being confused and upset, or fuming. Choose fuming, and move on - he has shown you who he is. Big hugs xx

He wasn’t going to bother if it was “just you”? He actually said that? Jesus.

What did he say when you mentioned no card or gift? We are not big gift givers but we still do a token box of chocolates, smellies or the like. There’s never nothing, that’s just cruel.

Screw him. The person you are married to should treat you with more kindness and courtesy and thought than anyone else. Treating you as worthless is unacceptable.

ETA it would have been so easy to make you happy and he didn't even try.

That’s horrible, you’re not worth family traditions? You’re not worth marking the occasion? He didn’t need to prepare a 7 course feast and go over the top with trimmings but heating up a ready meal roast dinner for you both wouldn’t have taken much effort.

Please don't ever let him make you feel unworthy of love, OP. I think it's you that needs to release yourself from him. He's the one bringing you down.

Ah I’m so sorry you have such a lot going on. Your husband may be angry and exhausted but none of this is your fault. I don’t suppose it’s what you were expecting from life either.

He has shown zero love or empathy towards you from the snapshot you have provided here and you deserve more. Doing the full works if family are coming but not even a scaled down version of Christmas dinner for you? No present for you after all you do for the family? He sounds awful and you deserve more.

He couldn't even muster a cheese board and pigs/blankets? If he didn't want to cook?

Throwing stale leftovers at you on Christmas Day is a screaming siren that he has checked out. I'd ask him to leave.

That's absolutely fucking shocking. He had one job. I understand buying less if it's just the two of you but to just fuck it off like it doesn't matter is so unbelievably hurtful.

I went shopping with DH, it's just us no kids. We didn't go crazy as we aren't big foodies but we still got some different cheeses, a bottle of wine, cheap vegetables from Lidl for a roast dinner and vegetarian fake meat bits to go with it. A cheesecake. A few snacks that we don't usually have in the house. It cost literally a few quid extra. Don't let him convince you it would have cost a bomb and been an enormous effort, it can be special with just a few additional items. He didn't even get the basics. I would honestly find that totally unforgivable. He couldn't be bothered to feed his own family.

Really sorry OP. Seems he’s doing that awful male trick of behaving so badly you divorce him. Then he gets to play victim as you initiated the divorce. Call him out on this. Tell him he will get 50/50 custody if you divorce or he can go to therapy and buck up his ideas

I haven’t read all the comments. I am going to read the comments but before you leave which you know it sounds like he’s an absolute twat but because of your serious illness and because of your child, do you have a support network? It’s okay people telling people like you to leave, but it sounds like you are also struggling and you have to make sure maybe social services or people can help you with your care needs as well. Have you got that in place?

That is utterly heartbreaking. He might not have had the energy to do the full works but how hard would it have been to just pick up a few nice ready made bits and heated them up?

I sympathise with the overwhelm and exhaustion, we have a DC with serious mental illness which has taken over our lives, and I totally recognise the feeling of it's not what you hoped your lives as parents would be, but even so, if you actually love your OH you do the little things to support them when you can. None of it is your fault, you're suffering the effects of it too (and even more so since you have the physical effects to contend with), so he doesn't get to take his frustration out on you. His behaviour seems calculated to hurt, and you definitely deserve better than that.

That is honestly disgusting. It may not be the marriage and parenthood he signed up for and it maybe that he cannot cope with the hand he has been dealt but he needs to admit that and seek the relevant help not just treat you like some worthless person who should be greatful for whatever scraps he sees fit.

This is one of the worst things I have ever heard, would your family be able to come and look after you at all. If you were my DD I would want to know how your ‘D’H is treating you and I would be round with food and to support you.

I agree. So heartless. And in my mind was done intentionally to hurt you. It actually takes effort to make sure there was nothing to eat on Xmas day.

he has checked out and you deserve so much more

Awful. At the very least order in a Chinese take away if no energy to cook.

His behaviour isn't respectful and ges being horrible.

You are both going through an awful time.

He needs to talk to a therapist. And so do you. I'd do separate at first so you can work out your own feelings. But I know it's hard to get in the time when so much is going on. And if want rid - get your support sorted, know your situation financially etc.

Though regarding the lunch, I would have noticed an empty fridge on Xmas Eve and been asking where is the food?

I understand not doing a full blown roast with all of the extra trimmings, but this is just sad.

It’s not on to have a sausage sandwich as a Christmas meal and it’s definitely not on to not even buy a new pack of sausages or bread.

How did this even come about?
Obviously you saw that there was hardly any food and so did you ask him when he was going shopping etc?
Did he act like he was going to make a proper meal?

Is he depressed?
It’s not an excuse but I’m just in shock that anyone would think this is ok.
Surely even he would want some nice food for himself.

How come this year you didn’t have the rest of the family like usual?

Time to have an honest conversation with him about how you both feel and what you both want going forward. He’s not the bad guy and neither are you. You’re all in a shit situation and you need to forget the past and discuss how to make the best future for both of you.