To leave over sausage in bread…

[Growingyou]

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

Did he say he wasn’t going to bother if it was “just you” or “just us”?

I am thinking he is deeply depressed and has been masking for wider family or using their presence as an escape. Illness and disability can change people and the dynamics in relationships.

He let you both down and that’s shit. But knowing how you are all struggling, I would have prompted him when I noticed an absence of food in the cupboards and fridge. When divide and conquer wasn’t working you needed to pull together as a team.

Not getting you a present is also shit of him.

Could you clarify exactly what point you are making here?

It’s really not about the fucking sausage in bread…

The last sentence you typed above tells you all you need to know.

You are not important to him. His actions scream as much.

Leave him. You deserve better.

OP this is just awful. I can't begin to imagine what's going on in between your H's ears. How does he think it's OK not to bother if it's "just" you? There are only two of us, but my DH put a full lunch together the other day. What's more, that level of effort isn't unusual for him - and as he says, he has to eat as well. Did your H make sure he was fed or did he go without too, out of sheer bloody-mindedness? Either way, you and your LOs deserve better than his careless disregard and I hope that 2025 is better for you.

What kind of sausage ? With cranberry sauce ?

He sounds depressed and disappointed in life.

I’d find your anger OP. How dare he check out of family life as it’s too difficult. He should be helping you, you’ve been through hell and have long term physical impact to live with. And you are caring for DC1 and your DH is behaving appallingly. I wouldn’t be letting him off the hook so easily. He’s selfish and callous and shallow

He doesn't love you. I'm sorry but yeh I think you should split up

I think we are possibly missing a bit of context here. During Covid when it was just me, DH and a small baby I decided I couldn’t be bothered to make a roast dinner for ‘just us’. We had a lovely cheese platter instead.

You must have known there wasn’t food in the fridge and it can’t have come as a surprise. Did you ask him what he was making. It seems like a bit of a ‘gotcha’ moment when he presented the sub par food.

If the relationship is broken, leave. Otherwise, just talk to him about your expectations.

Wow. What utter rubbish. He’s had enough and they both need help.

I don’t really understand - how did you not notice there was no Christmas food in? Do you not look in the fridge?

but that aside, yes it sounds rubbish about the lack of gift.

It's not actually the food it's the last sentence in this post you made that would be the final straw.

He is willing to put on a show and be the "all providing father and husband" when there are others to be impressed, but as it was just for you, he wasn't going to bother. He doesn't bother when it's just you. That to me would be the part of the argument that he shouldn't be able to get past.

I'm so sorry that you're going into 2025 knowing this about your husband. I'd make sure that when you're going into 2026 he isn't your husband any more and that you have all of the necessary supports in place that will allow you to look after your own health as well as that of your children.

OP may have only realised on Xmas morning that the food was not in the fridge or being defrosted. At that stage it would have been impossible to order stuff in. Not everybody has a giant turkey. We do a chicken dish with bacon and asparagus for Christmas.

Where were your extended family this year? It sounds like this Christmas your family could have done with an invitation to someone else's house or for someone to go round to your house, roll up their sleeves and give your DH a hand. It sounds like your families have abandoned you in your time of need?

It was her husbands job to look after getting the food in. You should be able to trust that your husband will get food in if that was his job in the run up to Christmas. He didn't get the food because it was just for his wife and he didn't bother.

OP, that sounds appalling. I totally sympathise. I wouldn't give up yet though. Could he be depressed? If that's possible it's worth looking into. Couples counselling is also worth trying. (Not just with anyone. Relate counsellors can be very bad, from my experience and a friend's. It's worth trying several therapists if you need to.)

Life as a single parent is hard. There might be a way through for you as a couple.

All best wishes.

An old sausage sandwich was your Christmas lunch? That’s shit OP I’m so sorry

It sounds like compassion fatigue to me, he is also experiencing the day to day life of a child with additional needs, he nearly lost his wife and that is without the demands of a young family. This isn’t excusing what he has/hasn’t done, but sometimes even going shopping can seem like a big task.
He will be mourning the life that you were going to have, it’s difficult for the one who is not unwell as nothings changed in him, but in everything around him, that can make you feel totally powerless.
As a couple you need to address this, either in a decision to try to change things or to separate but if nothing changes, it’ll only get worse

TBH I wouldn’t do full works Christmas dinner for just two adults. But I would do something special or get a fancy ‘finish it off yourself’ dinner from a restaurant. Most of the time the point of counselling isn’t to work out what the problem is, it’s to try to resolve it. Is he depressed?

@Growingyou I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you.
You deserve to find some happiness and it's without him then that's your answer.
Your children will also be learning about healthy relationships, teach them well.

Xxx