To leave over sausage in bread…

[Growingyou]

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

Whilst I think it was utterly shit of him to not at least get some pre prepped veg, a chicken and a dessert, literally 15 mins in and out of a supermarket on Christmas Eve and he’d have been sorted and could have got you some chocs and bath stuff or whatever to open too. You should be sticking together in the situation you’re in.
Did your children not need to eat? If he hadn’t got anything in for them either I’d be absolutely fuming.
the above said though, I had a 9 month period where I was caring for a baby and for Dp after an injury where he needed two leg surgeries and could do little more than sit on a sofa (although some of it was psychological and in the end I had to get tough and encourage him up and out , it worked though) he’s fine now though so I can’t imagine what it’s like for it to be permanent, it was exhausting and I am ashamed to admit I resented him and the ‘poor brave DH’ comments i got often.

do you work or are you unable to because of your health. Do you think he feels like he is burdening the family’s financial well being ? Some couples counselling might help? Are you in touch with a children’s hospice for DC? They’re not just for palliative care. A friend who has a child with a heart condition attends a craft group and family fun days at our local one and she finds it such a help. Additionally, if you’ve been diagnosed with something like epilepsy or MS as it sounds like you might as you say it’s life limiting and you can’t drive etc, is there a charity that could help?

Sending you a huge hug OP. I’d strongly recommend counselling if you are able to to help you cope with the trauma of having a critically unwell child and a life altering second pregnancy. Personally I’d do the counselling alone and put the marriage on the back burner for now. I wouldn’t seperate physically whilst you have so much going on but I would mentally just be really checked out. He’s a prick of saying you and your child don’t deserve a lovely Christmas lunch. Is it feasible to go spend NYE with family/friends/take your child for a lovely lunch? Xx

We did.

Roast beef, gammon, potatoes and parsnips, beetroot and sprouts with gravy and horseradish.

Plus Christmas cake, Christmas pudding and mince pies with brandy butter. (All homemade except for the Christmas pud).

Just bring the two of us/you isn't a reason to just have stale bread and old sausages.

This is all SO bizarre. Had you not noticed that there was no food in the house? I can’t help but think I would have just stuck an extra chicken and some Brussels in my weekly shop the week before just in case. Also even if no turkey and trimmings didn’t you have stuff in the freezer like chicken Kiev and chips? Or even an omelette?

It’s really hard to say though without knowing the reason why he said he didn’t get food, but yes this would have caused a massive row in my house. Quite spare from anything else I really feel for the kids. Do you think he could be behaving so badly you feel you have to kick him out? Then he gets to have an easy life but it’s not his fault?

What did the children eat over Christmas?

To the posters saying he sounds depressed, compassion fatigue etc and suggesting that OP needs to pull together with H more, how much more does the pregnant, sick woman who is currently caring for a very ill child need to do?

She did the decorations, presents, wrapping on top of getting through the day to day. He didn't do the one job he had.

I'm struggling to see how you can place the blame anywhere but with him.

You have three choices:

Ask him to leave. Can you manage the DC by yourself?

Leave him and the DC. Go and be single. Could you leave the DC?

Carry on together, because even if you both know the relationship is over, you need each other to both help care for DC.

I'm so sorry it has come to this.

I would be wondering if he is depressed tbh.

Well I disagree. He’s in perfect health and can cook a meal. Especially at Christmas. Instead what he produced was awful.If he wasn’t prepared do prepare something nice he should have said. Takeaway would have been nicer. Life throws a lot of us curveballs, some much harder than others but people cope without ruining Christmas dinner.

Well there it is. He wasn’t going to bother if it was just you.

I think you'll be considerably happier if you call his bluff and end the marriage.

I do think his behaviour, towards you is deliberately demeaning, and that he fully expects you to take it. So don't. If your marriage was to have any hope of survival, you would have to refuse to be treated in this way. But I personally would be past wanting it to survive.

Yes, this "is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner." But a husband behaving like a prick is not what you wanted from a partner either.
At least ‘in sickness and health’ is in the vows he has chosen not to hold to. Nowhere in the vows is 'to be utterly disrespected', so you definitely shouldn't feel you have to accept this from him.

Push the release button.

He didn't serve up stale bread and sausages because it was just the two of them. He did it to punish her.

Oh @Growingyou this just says it all, you aren’t even worth nice food to him. You deserve so much more and he is a knob. Please leave him and at least have the chance of a happy life, whether a decent relationship or happily single where you can treat yourself.

@Growingyou what reason did he give for not buying the food?

What, that's what he did for Christmas Day lunch? Seriously?

Wasn't there any other food in the house?

It's unbelievable he'd treat you so badly. What would a life without him look like?

Even if he'd picked up some ready meals, whether a markses turkey dinner or just a lasagne and said, sorry, I'm tired, it's all got too much for me, let's enjoy something easy since it's just us, that would have been fine but, sadly, he dared to tell you that you're not even worth that much bother. I'm so sorry.

You need to get angry with him. Yes, you're an adult but he is, too and grown adults in a healthy relationship try to support each other through difficult times and find small pleasures where they can. If he is out of the personal resources to do that then he needs to speak to his GP. If he doesn't want to speak to his GP then he needs to pull his own socks up because, however he is feeling, he does not get to treat you like the shit on his shoe and make your life even harder than it already is.

@VodkaCola There are other factors, not just that it's the two of them.

Did he really say ‘just for you?’ because that seems so cruel. I could understand ’just for us’, more, although what about the children, then?

You sound exhausted and sad and upset. Understandable. Maybe he is, too. Counselling is a good option - it will help you both see the wood from the trees.

Try to get in some nice food and drinks for the New Year if you can. You deserve a festive treat and to celebrate hopefully a new year bringing you a fresh start.

He has already acknowledged that if you went to couples counselling, his behaviour would be called out.
Which means his zero effort with food, feeding you old bread and sausage, asking you if you had a good day, picking a fight and telling you you aren’t worth the effort are deliberate, conscious choices.

If it’s the usual story, it’s likely he wanted a version of marriage and parenthood that cost him nothing in thought, care or sacrifice and he is now punishing you and trying to get you to pull the plug so he isn’t judged for walking out on a disabled wife and child and new baby.

Your relationship is dead. Whether a new version could be salvaged - or whether you’d want one with him - is what you need to think through now.

FWIW, I think you are worth so much more than a bastard this callous.

sorry to hear about this issue.

good thing you were able to talk to dh about this. it can either lead to him being more considerate or the start of a (hopefully amicable) separation.

here's to a better year

I am guessing the point the poster was making is when you (ie OP) have no doubt looked in the fridge and seen it was bare and you open your mouth and ask what is going on and when are you going to get the food shopping rather than wait until Chtistnas day?

I don't suggest that he's doing it consciously but it sounds like he is punishing you (and himself) for your and DC1's illnesses, the unravelling of his fantasy family life. It's not just very damaging for you to be stuck in this position, it's very damaging for your children to grow up around, particularly given the complex health needs. Separate counselling for both of you would be a better place to start than couples therapy. You are right to feel hurt, that was the intention. You both need help. You need and deserve it.

"He’s not the bad guy"

@Jennyathemall I beg to differ - out of date food and no gift, no care or support - he sounds horrible, shit and fucking awful to me!

Yes, almost anyone would notice. If someone else had been designated the job of Christmas food shopping but come Christmas Eve and there were still only a few old sausages and half a loaf of stale bread in the house (let alone the complete absence of festive treats) you would bloody well notice!

He sounds hugely depressed and at rock bottom. But hey, he’s a man so that’s not allowed.

It's nothing to do with being a man. Being depressed does not justify treating your partner like shit.