To leave over sausage in bread…

[Growingyou]

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

But he was responsible for the food. Therefore, nobody needed to ask anyone to buy a turkey, and it wasn't OP responsibility to check when the food would be being delivered / shopped for.

It sounds like OP has enough on without checking in to see how a grown man is coping with a pretty simple task. Christmas shop or not, it's a roast dinner and a few extra treats. At a push I would trust my teenager to manage this without oversight.

He's cruel. Men do often punish or leave wives in these circumstances, they believe they shouldn't have to perform caring work and should only be cared for.

What's your exit plan OP? Can you stay in your home? Is there a support group for your condition you can ask for advice?

This must have been incredibly upsetting. What sort of idiot asks whether you had a good Christmas Day when there were three leftover sausages and stale bread with no present for you? I get that things haven't turned out the way he expected with your health and your child's needs but surely he could do better than this?

You are probably angry and exhausted too. This wasn't what you thought you were signing up for either and you're the one who's sick and trying to carry on.

I am afraid I don't think he is going to be a reliable future partner. I'm not sure about kicking him out because that leaves you doing all the childcare. It's his child too with health issues. I wonder if he is behaving so badly in the hope you kick him out so he can claim he didn't walk out on his sick wife, sick child and new baby.

I hope things get better for you and your children. I think it's your husband who is the unlovable one here. He sounds pretty vile. Our children were not NT and my husband was in the thick of it with me all the way and it wasn't what we thought we'd signed up for either. For what it's worth our children turned out much much better than we initially feared - one will qualify as a doctor next year. I suppose counselling might be worth a shot because what have you got to lose..

Cunt. He’s punishing you for you and your child being ill.

Did you not notice there was no food for christmas in your fridge or cupboards? I mean surely you noticed there was no seafood etc before Christmas Day?

I am not excusing him but just wondering if you have got into the tit for tat stage of a failing relationship?

Does sound very sad for you though.

That is a disgusting remark! I'm fuming for you 🤬.
I could not stay after this. Sorry OP.

Apologies - realised others mentioned the missing food.

He knew what he was doing with the stale sandwich - very mean of him and agree he was punishing you.

He sounds like he wants to make life horrid enough for you to leave, so he can't look like the bad guy that's upped and left a poorly wife and children (which is what I think he wants to do). Behaviour that callous isn't accidental or without agenda.

Oh OP you deserve so much more.
He's told you who he is and where his priorities lie and it isn’t you.
I can’t get my head around someone who would do that to his wife.
Three sausages and stale bread is a joke of a meal.
Truly you deserve more.

You deserve more than his callow disregard

That's one possibility. But another is that the strain of coping with the situation means that OP didn't have the time to register the problem.

One of our DC had a big health problem around 16yo ("something in the brain but we're not sure what", the doctors said), and we both stopped functioning normally for a while. Making silly mistakes in household routines was part of that.

If DH has not always been like this, and is mostly just expressing his befrazzlement in a different way to OP, then counselling might help. His comment that "he “knows” the problem will be him" suggests that he might be pleasantly surprised to discover that couples counselling is not like a lawsuit.

Do how much work is your illness on your other half?
I say this because at points in my husbands illness I didn't have the energy or willing to do something like a Christmas dinner (or dinner at all sometimes). Working full time, caring for both you and your children he may be depressed, struggling with doing it all or just be burnt out.
I say this having watched hubby nearly die and go through 18months of rehab, and still 5/6 years later I work full time, take care of the house, sort birthdays and Christmas and do most of the cleaning and washing. Some weeks I am exhausted and want to run away
So I say this do you think there is depression/anxiety or burnout at play or is something else going on
And sometimes I would love it if he did the shopping/cooking but that's my domain (with most other things too)....

He's cruel, as a PP said.

Not only did he deliberately let you eat shitty food, he made sure he rubbed it in by asking whether you enjoyed it. Thats cruel. You don't deserve to be treated like that love. Arseholery is one thing - cruelty is something else.

This is sad but I wouldn’t have left it on Christmas Eve knowing there was no food in.

Yes, he was responsible. I’d still notice the absence of a turkey!

Oh wow. The final words say it all. I could cry at that, so heartless.
Please find all the external help you can to support your child’s and your health needs. Make sure you claim everything you’re entitled to.
And tell him he either pulls his weight big time or fucks off.

OP, our Christmas is my husband, my six year old and me, we have the full works, it is OUR Christmas, the most important there is. No guest is more important than the inhabitants of this house. He has checked out, sorry. I really feel for you, that is so unfair.

There you go. He’s proven that he doesn’t care. All you’re worth is sausages in stale bread

Leave him

he didn’t bother for you, but he didn’t bother for himself either
that sounds like someone who has become. Totally overwhelmed and probably depressed

the devision of labour seems somewhat unfair.
whilst I recognise your ill health, all your tasks were ones that could be done a month in advance, and largely online, where as sourcing groceries, getting them in fridge, then prepping dishes and cooking everything is a lot more work.

did you not check in with him about how he was getting on with it all?

That's awful. It shows his lack of love and care for you OP.

I have become disabled over the last few years. My body was wrecked with pregnancy and then Covid finished it off. I barely go out and I’m usually in bed because I’m in too much pain the rest of the time. My dh works full time and then comes home to clean the house and do dinner.

He wasn’t feeling great on Christmas Day but he still cooked a full Christmas dinner for me and the kids to enjoy even if he didn’t. That’s love

It's a slightly fancier roast dinner. One cooked by a million people every weekend.

Tree, decorations, gifts takes thought and a lot more time.

In a word, 'Yes'.

He sounds an utter waste of space.

I'm sorry about your disability and your child.

You deserve so much more as do your children.

"If it was just me"

Such a complete lack of respect, care and love for you. Truly awful. I'd be OUT.

That response tells you everything you need to know, doesn’t it?