To leave over sausage in bread…

[Growingyou]

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

I would not make any life changing decisions at Christmas time. Its a pressure-cooker, unnatural situation. Reassess in Spring and make the decision then. Whichever way you go, you will get there and be fine in time, but don't make the decision now.

i’m well aware people do things differently. And if OP was here to talk about how well their approach is working for them my answer would be “great! Glad you found something that works for you both.” But OP’s marriage and division of labor is very clearly not working for either of them, so my recommendation is to start at the base of the iceberg with communication and collaboration.

You are wildly incorrect about the mental load in my marriage. Thank god for my DH’s impressive level of executive function and willingness to be the one who keeps or little circus of a family running smoothly because I couldn’t manage it myself.

Wow. Stale sausage sandwiches might (or might not) be the final straw for me depending on all that had gone before. But that last sentence is a killer.

This is one bastard that should be put out with the rubbish!

"He sounds hugely depressed and at rock bottom. But hey, he’s a man so that’s not allowed."

@Jennyathemall oh hud yer wheesht. I've supported my one DH through depression - not once was he cruel and disrespectful like this. He's not depressed, he wants to duck out of this life and wants the OP to boot him out so he can play the victim. Guaranteed.

If you've taken behaviour like this from someone claiming to be depressed - then more fool you.

Exactly!

This is so sad and I feel for you. You deserve so much better. I'm sure he is struggling, I'm guessing he wasn't like this when you married him? But it's just not acceptable. Don't think of it as freeing him, think of it as freeing yourself for something much better, more loving and more supportive.

He wants you to leave but he wants you to do it. Then he’s not the man who left his sick wife and child. Imagine the reputational damage. He wants to come out of this guilt free. It really is all about him.

Saying that, I’ve never been one to cut off my nose to spite my face. I’d call him out on it but I’d fucking leave in a heartbeat, what a waste of a life.

Those who are asking why didn’t she notice, well I don’t know….maybe it’s her own illness/disability she is managing alongside caring for a severely unwell child…?!! He had one job and she managed her own jobs, making excuses for him is absolutely outrageous. He didn’t apologise and say “I’ve been so overwhelmed, let’s see if a restaurant is open for a takeaway” but he made a callous comment about how his wife didn’t matter. He couldn’t even be arsed to write her name on a card so she could see something under the tree for her. It’s not about the Christmas dinner, it’s how badly he’s acted towards his wife.

OP, I am so sorry and hope you seek support from everywhere possible and ditch the man who shows you no kindness.

Sadly statistically men are far more likely to leave a relationship where a woman or a child has a serious health crisis/health issues than the other way around.

Nobody asks nor wants an ill/disabled child but you both do only your DH is so entitled and selfish that he clearly thinks the responsibility is optional for him.

I'm betting if it was him who had a health issue he'd fully expect you to support him.

A marriage is a life long commitment,people will grow and change during that time and as we get older we will physically change too,people get older it's a fact of life.

It's immaturity,selflessness and entitlement on his part.

I'd be quietly cautious,men with that sort of mindset sometimes feel entitled to cheat.

and he wonders why you weren't happy.

He does rather sound as if he has checked out :(

Couldn't have said it better myself!

"That's for everyone else" is truly heartbreaking. You're worth so much more than

Yes it would be the last straw for me

He is waiting for you to end it. After all he can't be seen to leave a critically ill child and a chronically ill wife as the world would not think kindly of him so he will push and push until you snap. So don't snap just yet, save and hide every penny you can, don't cover for him and make sure people see him for what he is.

That's just heartbreaking, he sounds a thoughtless individual. I hope what ever you decide on ie counselling or not etc that you'll be ok!

Amen to this post

What she said

Don't give him an out and do not let him save face. He seems to have checked out, then let him be open about that to his family/friends/acquaintances.

I would also choose counseling together, anything to improve your relationship now and possibly after divorce is a positive.

That's awful - I have a dibilitaing disability and 2 children, one who can be difficult to manage for various reasons. My DH still continues to recover from a serious accident earlier this year!
I did lots of sorting for Christmas, several things weren't bothered with but DH cooked entire Christmas lunch.
You deserve better.

Thank you for all of the thoughtful comments and perspectives. I do waver between thinking ‘he feels trapped by the circumstances, wants to leave, but couldn’t deal with the backlash from family/friends so is forcing me to make a move’ or wondering whether this is depression or serious burn out. I don’t blame him for the latter, there are days I feel seriously burnt out too. But there’s still care (for him) there.

For those wondering… yes of course I noticed the fridge was near empty. I warned him on Christmas Eve morning that we had just enough food for breakfast and lunch. By early afternoon when he hadn’t gone to the shops, I unfortunately had a reason to force him to - my child was poorly and needed a specific medicine - so he was forced to the shops. He came home with a single bag (it crossed my mind that that wasn’t a particularly big shop) but I just took the medicine and figured he’d got enough for a few meals. I wasn’t anticipating an elaborate feast.

And for those asking, extended family are ready to support but are a long distance away. But DH decided he wanted to do Christmas just us this year (the first time).

I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

OP, adults need care and thoughtfulness too, especially from your husband. You don’t have to be a child to need love.

When you say your first child has critical illness, is their life span going to be quite limited or is it a lifelong disability? I ask because that can help inform a long term strategy so neither of you lose yourself and your own well being in a really rough situation.

Is there any way you can get some respite care? My DH and I spent a number of years caring for his mum, and we found that really hard, and we aren’t facing everything you and your husband are. I’m not excusing your DH, but there were times my husband and I were having a hard time relating to one another because caregiving is bloody exhausting.

This is just awful. What a truly horrible, hurtful thing to say and do. I'd make 2025 a year to plan how you can move on. What a twat.

All the supermarkets were doing varying versions of a ready meal Xmas dinner with all the sides etc, few crisps / peanuts / box of chocs.

Even that's a bit shit but at least it's a token effort.