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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave over sausage in bread…

205 replies

Growingyou · 27/12/2024 13:31

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

OP posts:
SlipperyFish11 · 27/12/2024 20:55

Playing devil's advocate here...he sounds really depressed to me. Yes you're both going through something, but he sounds like he's more outwardly struggling and you're internally struggling. I would be upset about the sandwich, but not to that extent. If he's been a good husband before this recent behaviour, then stick around and get him some help.

Inmydreams88 · 27/12/2024 21:19

What did the children eat?

RB68 · 27/12/2024 21:34

He is telling you you don't matter and that he doesn't care about it.

I would make plans to separate. Take enough money to have a good proper consult with a (shit hot) lawyer. Because of the disabilities and the young age of the kids with disabilities as well, you should get a good settlement and need a good lawyer to pay for that. I mean how hard is it to decide food, do a click and collect and fetch it. You actually had the hardest job of gifts and decorating.

I would def encourage therapy appts for you both - his reaction has been to switch off all emotion and involvement in family. I am not saying that is good - in fact its awful BUT it is also a valid reaction to the trauma you have all been through - he needs to deal with his trauma and then address his responsibilities whether he stays or not

I reckon he might be concerned of the optics of leaving so if you do seperate then I would use that as leverage to get him to do the right thing and support you all going forward. You also need to think about how it will all work for you and the Children as I am not convinced he would see himself taking them on if you left!

StormingNorman · 27/12/2024 23:46

Wordau · 27/12/2024 17:49

Even if she did why the fuck should she do anything about it given she's doing literally everything else?

Show quote history

Because not doing anything about it is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And because doing something only needs to be as simple as: “What are you planning for lunch tomorrow? Shall we get a Chinese if you haven’t managed to get to Waitrose yet”?

Or: “What time were you planning to go to Sainsbury’s”?

Posters including myself are suggesting OP communicates, not relieves DH of responsibility for providing dinner.

StormingNorman · 27/12/2024 23:51

GravyBoatWars · 27/12/2024 17:54

He does sound checked out. Having children with complex, long-term needs is so hard on parents individually and also brutal on relationships, and adding in long-term medical issues for one parent can multiply that. He’s undoubtedly overwhelmed and withdrawing is a common response to that, but it doesn’t make it ok or something you just need to accept.

This is an iceberg issue; trying to address it in isolation just won’t work. Of course he should want to make an effort for you as his partner, but he also is showing no interest in celebrating or having a good meal himself and that’s not a great sign. And divvying up tasks and who’s leading what is normal, but I will be honest that I can’t imagine a healthy relationship where either my DH or I didn’t have any awareness of what was planned for our Christmas meal in advance, or offer help with execution - that’s a level of disconnect from each other that doesn’t seem great to begin with. I do the recipe planning for our holiday meals and lead cooking, but of course DH and I discuss it all and DH does the shopping and helps prep and cook. We talk through how elaborate we’re going and where we think it’s worth buying pre-made or going simple. If he showed no interest in that it would concern me and probably make me far less interested in investing in the project myself. The same goes for gift buying and decorating, by the way - my DH does most of the shopping/ordering and keeps track of what’s been bought and what we still need to do, but we have a hundred little conversations about it in the run up brainstorming ideas and I take charge of tracking down certain things and nothing our DC open is a surprise to me. So it sounds like there’s an underlying breakdown of the partnership feeling and both of you are probably feeling isolated.

I think in your case I’d insist on trying counseling, even if he’s being pessimistic about it. It’s worth at least attempting to repair things before splitting.

This bears repeating amidst all the black & white “he’s a bastard” posts. Relationships are a lot more nuanced than we can understand from one incident.

McFluff · 28/12/2024 02:53

How can anyone get to Christmas Day without realising there is no food or treats in the house? Sorry I just don't get it. OP was aware enough to sort the tree, decorations and gifts so how would the food situation completely pass you by. I know it wasnt OPs job but even so, it seems impossible. Sometimes when I read these threads I think they can't possibly be true, nothing adds up. Why someone would do that I don't know. Maybe we're missing a massive part of the story 🤷

wombat1a · 28/12/2024 03:01

To be honest this sounds like someone who depression who is just barely coping. As crap as this was OP at this point I would be so concerned about DP that I would be starting to look for signs of suicide as his way of escape, and if you see anything like that act immedietaly to get help.

Fraaances · 28/12/2024 03:10

He showed you what he thinks you are worth… Zero effort with food and no present. You’re the staff. You need to meet him with the same energy @Growingyou Stop facilitating his needs.

SunnyTealLeader · 28/12/2024 07:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BigSilly · 28/12/2024 07:48

Your husband has had to contend with 2 sick people for a long time . He is burnt out!

Over40Overdating · 28/12/2024 09:43

I see the great dick defenders are out in force on this thread now.

OP DID flag there was no food. The only reason her husband went to the shop on Christmas Eve was to get medicine for their sick child. He came back with one bag.
He CHOSE not to get the Christmas food when he was in the shop and could have.
HE TOLD OP SHE WAS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OF NICE FOOD.

People are in such a panic to defend a penis they lose the ability to read.
He is not burned out or depressed any more than he is just a cunt who wants to punish a sick woman.
How’s that for nuance.

BigSilly · 28/12/2024 10:06

Over40Overdating · 28/12/2024 09:43

I see the great dick defenders are out in force on this thread now.

OP DID flag there was no food. The only reason her husband went to the shop on Christmas Eve was to get medicine for their sick child. He came back with one bag.
He CHOSE not to get the Christmas food when he was in the shop and could have.
HE TOLD OP SHE WAS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OF NICE FOOD.

People are in such a panic to defend a penis they lose the ability to read.
He is not burned out or depressed any more than he is just a cunt who wants to punish a sick woman.
How’s that for nuance.

Yeah, you don't know much about mental illness.

ChristmasFluff · 28/12/2024 10:31

Oh FFS, some of these posts!

This relationship is done. Counselling will not help, because this man has already GONE (not 'withdrawn'). He's cruel enough to serve up a sausage sandwich for Christmas dinner - and that's what it is - a cruelty. He might as well have written 'I don't care a jot for you or the children' on the plate in tomato ketchup - because he doesn't love the children either, to do that to their mother.

He's not shown her the basic respect due to any other human being, let alone the mother of his children. At Christmas.

OP, I totally agree with a previous poster. Keep your tinder dry and leave in your own good time, when you are good and ready, and able to show the world what an arsehole he is, and all the reasons why you've ended it.

Because he's not burnt out - OP did the christmas decorations and gifts - you know, the hard bits. All he had to do was food. He could have shoved a chicken in, put some carrots on the hob and microwaved some Tesco mash, and OP is so ground down she'd not have batted an eyelid and would have been grateful.

I'll say it once more for those at the back - mental illness does not turn you into a selfish cunt, unless you already were one.

12purplepencils · 28/12/2024 10:35

i agree the relationship sounds broken but I can’t get over someone not knowing or caring what Christmas dinner plans are, and not discussing it as a team, even if it has been divvied up as the other persons responsibility.

CarefulN0w · 28/12/2024 10:35

I'm not excusing OP's H in anyway. To me, his actions come from cruelty, not depression.

What does seem very apparent, is that this isn't a functioning relationship. As myself and others have pointed out, in a normal couple, there are multiple conversations in the run up to Christmas about how each partner is getting on with their agreed tasks.

I would also suggest that when a house has a critically ill child, being prepared for the unexpected becomes normal, and families adapt to this by keeping food for emergencies and when things don't go to plan.

In this case, OP set a test for her H and he manifestly failed.

Both parents need to make some decisions here. Unless they both agree to commit to the relationship and work at it jointly, then it has reached its conclusion.

Over40Overdating · 28/12/2024 11:04

@BigSilly you’d be as wrong with that statement as you are defending the husband.

I have decades long experience with being mentally ill. Everything from anxiety, PMDD, CPTSD, burn out and breakdown. Whilst I may have been self centred at times, at no point did I go out of my way to be cruel to anyone in my life on purpose. To have choices and consistently make the one that would hurt someone else so I could make them feel worse. At no point did I ever turn to anyone and say ‘I could have done something nice for you, but chose not to because you are not worth it because I feel bad and it’s your fault’.

OP’s husband may have mental illness but he’s also a selfish twat. Two things can true at once.

Screamingabdabz · 28/12/2024 11:19

“He's cruel. Men do often punish or leave wives in these circumstances, they believe they shouldn't have to perform caring work and should only be cared for.”

This is so true of many men. I would divorce him op but insist he retain 50% of the parenting. You need respite to thrive and come back to life. Don’t liberate him to imprison yourself further.

MJconfessions · 28/12/2024 12:58

Growingyou · 27/12/2024 19:23

Thank you for all of the thoughtful comments and perspectives. I do waver between thinking ‘he feels trapped by the circumstances, wants to leave, but couldn’t deal with the backlash from family/friends so is forcing me to make a move’ or wondering whether this is depression or serious burn out. I don’t blame him for the latter, there are days I feel seriously burnt out too. But there’s still care (for him) there.

For those wondering… yes of course I noticed the fridge was near empty. I warned him on Christmas Eve morning that we had just enough food for breakfast and lunch. By early afternoon when he hadn’t gone to the shops, I unfortunately had a reason to force him to - my child was poorly and needed a specific medicine - so he was forced to the shops. He came home with a single bag (it crossed my mind that that wasn’t a particularly big shop) but I just took the medicine and figured he’d got enough for a few meals. I wasn’t anticipating an elaborate feast.

And for those asking, extended family are ready to support but are a long distance away. But DH decided he wanted to do Christmas just us this year (the first time).

That’s even worse. He would have been in a shop heaving with people over the Christmas food and made a conscious effort and decision to not get anything.

AlexaSetATimer · 28/12/2024 15:27

McFluff · 28/12/2024 02:53

How can anyone get to Christmas Day without realising there is no food or treats in the house? Sorry I just don't get it. OP was aware enough to sort the tree, decorations and gifts so how would the food situation completely pass you by. I know it wasnt OPs job but even so, it seems impossible. Sometimes when I read these threads I think they can't possibly be true, nothing adds up. Why someone would do that I don't know. Maybe we're missing a massive part of the story 🤷

As has been said, if OP is disabled, maybe a wheelchair user, she may not be able to check kitchen cupboards/high fridge and be relying on her DH to know the situation.
It's not hard to think of situations outside your own where circumstances are different.

McFluff · 28/12/2024 17:12

AlexaSetATimer · 28/12/2024 15:27

As has been said, if OP is disabled, maybe a wheelchair user, she may not be able to check kitchen cupboards/high fridge and be relying on her DH to know the situation.
It's not hard to think of situations outside your own where circumstances are different.

Show quote history

Yes I guess so but wouldn't you ask 'what's for dinner then?' and maybe why there weren't any Christmas Eve treats. I suppose there must be a complete breakdown in communication sadly.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2024 17:15

Growingyou · 27/12/2024 14:03

Yes, it was Christmas Day food. I was so confused. When we have extended family for Christmas lunch it’s always the full works - seafood, glazed ham etc. His explanation was that’s for everyone else but he wasn’t going to bother if it was just me.

That 'just' told you all you need to know

I'm sorry @Growingyou

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2024 17:17

BigSilly · 28/12/2024 07:48

Your husband has had to contend with 2 sick people for a long time . He is burnt out!

And the OP?

She, (the one suffering and also dealing with their child)

How's she doing?

PinkyFlamingo · 28/12/2024 17:19

Londisc · 27/12/2024 17:36

Oh gawd why are people criticising the OP for not noticing there was no turkey and trimmings? The kids are "very little", presumably the idea was a meal just for OP and her husband and she wasn't expecting the full works, just something that wasn't a leftover sausage in past it's best bread.

I don't think people are criticising her rather than expressing suprise she never noticed, must people would be in the fridge at some point and actually see the Christmas food wasn't there!

GravyBoatWars · 28/12/2024 17:22

I would divorce him op but insist he retain 50% of the parenting.

This is absolutely not a thing you can do when divorcing. You cannot force the other parent to have any level of contact, much less half custody, and you sure as fuck don’t get to insist they actually parent during the times they do have the kids. You can go through the courts to make them pay maintenance (which is usually far less than half the cost of actually raising a child) but that’s it.

It doesn’t mean splitting wont be the best option in many cases, but people should be under zero illusions about this when making that choice.

Ladybyrd · 28/12/2024 17:23

A fucking sausage sandwich for Christmas dinner? I would be incandescent.