To leave over sausage in bread…

[Growingyou]

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

Dear OP, It is unclear from your posts if your husband is struggling with everything or actively decided to check out of his responsibilities.

I think counselling is a good first step, alongside talking to adult and children's social care, to see if they can offer any support for you and DC1

If you think he is struggling, would he go to the GP to get help?

His comments are so cold but I hope he can learn to support your/his family, as it isn't like you or DC1 had a choice in dealing with disabilities and he should man up and learn to deal with things as they are now

Both my DH and I became disabled in recent years, My DH had to shoulder far more of the house work and cooking, it is all I can do to work and sleep on my bad days.

This has had far reaching consequences on our future, our children and our marriage.

We have to make many compromises and yet love each other and try to do the best we can. One recent Christmas day meal a couple of years back was frozen pizza, but it was cooked nicely and there was enough for everyone.

To be honest sandwiches with fresh bread and suitable filling (I am a veggie) would be acceptable, but not stale bread and that nasty comment he made to you.

Ps. To the other posters on this thread, do not assume that everyone with a disability can do things which you take for granted.

I can't get into my own kitchen in my wheelchair, as the door is too narrow and can't stand long enough with crutches to check cupboards nor the balance required to bend over with crutches to check out the fridge.

The OP may be unable to check the food levels in her own kitchen, for reasons related to her disability, don't assume anything.

Think of what you want for yourself, to have DH and go through counseling, you both sound exhausted, or without DH. If the latter think about getting your ducks in a row, copy all official papers and store outside the home in a safe place for your DC’s sake as well as yours and see unbeknown to him a solicitor to see where everyone stands. Then have a deep think.
Maybe DH is very depressed and should be encouraged to see the GP?

😢

Nevermind thinking of him and releasing him from a life he doesn’t deserve, think about yourself (as he clearly isn’t going to).

He didn’t even need to do 12 courses of the finest food on offer, he could have just done a nice meal OR ordered a take away so you had one meal you didn’t need to cook.

Sorry OP 💐

You can't just have discovered on Christmas Day that there was no turkey or roast potatoes. Like, didn't you notice and discuss it beforehand?

I'm sorry for your troubles. It all sounds incredibly hard. But if it's going to work then communication is key. Not martyrdom.

OP hasn't come back.

Well it’s completely crap and I’m so sorry for the difficult situation you find yourselves in.
My compassionate side says that perhaps he’s really not coping with the circumstances and he just had no headspace left for Christmas food, as I’m sure you really didn’t for everything else but you managed and he didn’t.
To be completely honest I think I’ve probably been guilty of similar failures over the years when things got a bit much, but time and experience has taught me something about maintaining a veneer of routine in rough seas. After one particular turbulent year I fucked up the shopping and at the last minute before Christmas Eve I bought a palette of Amazon returns.
There I was on Christmas Eve with a random selection of broken kettles and scooters with wonky wheels and oh… it was awful and it still makes me cringe but I just wasn’t coping and it was the crescendo of a year of terrible judgement and decisions made under pressure.
That said, you really deserve some extra consideration after a tough time and I can understand how hurt you must be. I hope if anything, he can recognise the impact of his thoughtlessness.

Oh gawd why are people criticising the OP for not noticing there was no turkey and trimmings? The kids are "very little", presumably the idea was a meal just for OP and her husband and she wasn't expecting the full works, just something that wasn't a leftover sausage in past it's best bread.

Which, given his temper, wouldn't have ended well.

Not that it did anyway.

They agreed DH would do the food. How did it became the OP’s job to supervise and check he was doing what he agreed ? He’s an adult. Honestly the bar is set so low for men, agree to do something but it’s actually the woman’s job to make sure he does it or it’s somehow her fault.

It's Christmas - at the very least it should have been pigs in blankets.

Unless both kids are under like 7 months old then they surely need to eat?

If that was your food on Christmas Day absolutely LTB.

Do you want to feel unworthy for the rest of your life?

He sounds depressed and as if he has given up on effort for anyone, including himself. He can put on an appearance if there are visitors, but not for his immediate family.

Saying he knows he will get blamed at counselling isn't getting to the root of the problem. Is he lazy, tired, overwhelmed, depressed? Has he checked out, or burned out?

It sounds to me like there is a lot that could be unpicked with a sensitive and careful counsellor. If both of you are willing to do the emotional work. And accept that at the end of the process, the decision might be that the relationship is over.

This may not be popular but don’t let him swan off into the sunset and have complete freedom, a new home and eventually a new woman, lazy days and long lunches. Either you leave and he can be the main parent or you have a compete 50/50 split in care.

I’m sorry you’re having a really tough time of it OP. Some of it I can understand from your other half’s perspective, I had cancer earlier this year, we have 2 young children and he had to hold down a job and look after us all and it was incredibly stressful for him. He was understandably exhausted and grumpy at times. I’m doing better now so was happy to do everything for this Xmas - presents, food etc.
However your DH’s comments to you sound very unkind and if that is reflective of how he behaves towards you all the time then something needs to change as you don’t deserve that.

Yes, BOTH parents are responsible for feeding the children.

The OP says she's confused but I'm confused too, at how she failed to notice there was no food in the house except a few leftover sausages and stale bread?

It was HIS job to provide the food but how did the OP not notice there wasn't any?

He does sound overwhelmed but I also think this was a very clear message that he would rather go without himself to spite you. No one would not have a Christmas lunch.

Who said there was no food for the very little kids, one with critical illness, who might not expected to be eating the same thing at the same time as two full-grown adults? It's weird how people seem so ready to have a pop at the OP.

Even if she did why the fuck should she do anything about it given she's doing literally everything else?

He does sound checked out. Having children with complex, long-term needs is so hard on parents individually and also brutal on relationships, and adding in long-term medical issues for one parent can multiply that. He’s undoubtedly overwhelmed and withdrawing is a common response to that, but it doesn’t make it ok or something you just need to accept.

This is an iceberg issue; trying to address it in isolation just won’t work. Of course he should want to make an effort for you as his partner, but he also is showing no interest in celebrating or having a good meal himself and that’s not a great sign. And divvying up tasks and who’s leading what is normal, but I will be honest that I can’t imagine a healthy relationship where either my DH or I didn’t have any awareness of what was planned for our Christmas meal in advance, or offer help with execution - that’s a level of disconnect from each other that doesn’t seem great to begin with. I do the recipe planning for our holiday meals and lead cooking, but of course DH and I discuss it all and DH does the shopping and helps prep and cook. We talk through how elaborate we’re going and where we think it’s worth buying pre-made or going simple. If he showed no interest in that it would concern me and probably make me far less interested in investing in the project myself. The same goes for gift buying and decorating, by the way - my DH does most of the shopping/ordering and keeps track of what’s been bought and what we still need to do, but we have a hundred little conversations about it in the run up brainstorming ideas and I take charge of tracking down certain things and nothing our DC open is a surprise to me. So it sounds like there’s an underlying breakdown of the partnership feeling and both of you are probably feeling isolated.

I think in your case I’d insist on trying counseling, even if he’s being pessimistic about it. It’s worth at least attempting to repair things before splitting.

He sounds depressed. But it's horrible for you.

I don't think any of us are saying she had to do anything other than say Oi matey don't forget to get the food sorted

You deserve more. I hope you get the support and love uou need to make the right decision for you.

I want to start by saying this: you’re not the problem here, and it’s not really about the sausage sandwich. What’s going on is so much bigger than that. This is about the lack of care, thoughtfulness, and emotional support you’re getting from your husband. That “you’re an adult” comment? It’s cold, dismissive, and completely unfair. You’re dealing with so much—your child’s illness, your own health struggles, and keeping your family together. The fact he couldn’t even sort food for Christmas or make any kind of effort to show you you’re valued? That’s not just thoughtless—it’s downright cruel.

From what you’ve said, he sounds resentful that life hasn’t gone how he wanted. Parenthood and marriage aren’t living up to whatever picture he had in his head, and instead of dealing with that or supporting you, he’s taking it out on you. That comment about “you’re an adult” is a way to shut you down and make your feelings seem unimportant. And the lack of effort at Christmas? That’s a massive red flag. It’s not just about food or presents—it’s the message behind it. He’s telling you, loud and clear, that he can’t be bothered to show up for you, even in the smallest ways.

And then there’s the thing about couple’s counselling. Him saying he’s open to it but “already knows the problem will be him”? That’s not him taking responsibility. That’s him playing the victim before the work has even started. It’s a way to make it sound like he’s being self-aware, but it’s really just more emotional avoidance. He’s already framing this as his hard life, while you’re the one who’s actually living with the burden of it all.

The truth is, it sounds like you’re at a breaking point, and that’s completely understandable. You’ve been carrying so much for so long, and he’s clearly not pulling his weight—not emotionally, not practically, not in any way that matters. And that moment of clarity you had, where you thought about letting him go? That’s not a failure. That’s you recognising that you deserve better than this. You deserve to feel loved, supported, and cared for, not like you’re the one holding everything together while he checks out.

If you do decide to try counselling, it needs to come with some very clear boundaries. He has to show he’s willing to do the work—real work—not just talk about it or wallow in self-pity. But if you’ve already reached the point where you’re thinking about a life without him, that’s OK too. You don’t have to keep living like this.

And honestly, if the sausage sandwich was the last straw for you, that’s OK. It’s not really about the sandwich—it’s about everything it represents. You’re worthy of love and care, and you don’t have to keep settling for so little.

"I can’t imagine a healthy relationship where either my DH or I didn’t have any awareness of what was planned for our Christmas meal in advance" I can see you meant well with your post but the lack of imagination about how things are done differently by different people in different situations seems to be a big problem on this thread. Plus you clearly still do the lion's share of mental load even with your teammate DH.