Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

melissajreyes · 2024-12-23T02:10:39+00:00

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine. Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it. Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'. By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is. I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result. AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take. He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ^ever^ changing.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:14

What's the problem with it? Clearly it's better for the children, you are an adult, have you no plans of your own. If you were to get married then I would expect you to be there but as things stand they just want their children to have a nice Christmas. It's really sensible, not all the pillar to post stuff other poor kids have to do. Do you know his kids?

Ibouncetothebeat · 23/12/2024 02:15

Don't get involved. If your gut is telling you it feels wrong, get out.

Original poster

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:18

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:14

What's the problem with it? Clearly it's better for the children, you are an adult, have you no plans of your own. If you were to get married then I would expect you to be there but as things stand they just want their children to have a nice Christmas. It's really sensible, not all the pillar to post stuff other poor kids have to do. Do you know his kids?

To clairfy, we did have plans. Apologies if I didn't make that clear.

Hence why I said 'as a result, I decided to spend the evening with friends instead'. I have no issue with the day itself/them spending time together as a family for the majority of the day - but the evening plans went awry as they are now going to their friends' house instead - thus leaving me at a loose end on Christmas Day (so I had to make other plans, as above).

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YesIdolovehim · 23/12/2024 02:20

They sound quite civilised to be putting the children first unless there are still feelings between them, Do you know who initiated the divorce or was it a mutual decision?

Original poster

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:20

YesIdolovehim · 23/12/2024 02:20

They sound quite civilised to be putting the children first unless there are still feelings between them, Do you know who initiated the divorce or was it a mutual decision?

He filed for divorce. She wanted to stay together.

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Applepoop · 23/12/2024 02:26

Sounds unusual.

Why did he divorce her? Strange to them spend family time like this.

I don’t really think this is “for the kids”. It could be deeply unsettling for them, especially the younger one who could be confused and dream about his/her parents getting back together. And painful for the ex wife who never wanted him to leave in the first place.

are you a lot younger than him?

this seems off

Kitkatcatflap · 23/12/2024 02:26

I don't know if there is a 'normal' in a family break up. I do know that if you get involved with someone who has children then those children will always come first. He and his ex wife clearly have a good post divorce relationship? On one hand it's great that they are able to spend time together for the children but where does that leave you? Must be hard.

Edingril · 23/12/2024 02:29

You are having a relationship with a man with children he is doing what is best for the children this to me is a good thing

Original poster

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:30

Applepoop · 23/12/2024 02:26

Sounds unusual.

Why did he divorce her? Strange to them spend family time like this.

I don’t really think this is “for the kids”. It could be deeply unsettling for them, especially the younger one who could be confused and dream about his/her parents getting back together. And painful for the ex wife who never wanted him to leave in the first place.

are you a lot younger than him?

this seems off

I agree. He cited 'abuse' in the divorce. To her credit, she admitted this and is now on a lot of medication as a result.

I am 8 years younger than him, so not a 'lot' younger than him.

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ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:33

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:18

To clairfy, we did have plans. Apologies if I didn't make that clear.

Hence why I said 'as a result, I decided to spend the evening with friends instead'. I have no issue with the day itself/them spending time together as a family for the majority of the day - but the evening plans went awry as they are now going to their friends' house instead - thus leaving me at a loose end on Christmas Day (so I had to make other plans, as above).

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I think I would feel pretty bad about taking a father away from his children on Christmas day. If I were a parent and my pretty recent partner, presumably less than 4 years, was unhappy about it I would really be questioning our compatibility. It's one day in the year. I have to say I think you are being petty and sound jealous. Maybe don't date a man with children because the children shd always come first

Original poster

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:34

Kitkatcatflap · 23/12/2024 02:26

I don't know if there is a 'normal' in a family break up. I do know that if you get involved with someone who has children then those children will always come first. He and his ex wife clearly have a good post divorce relationship? On one hand it's great that they are able to spend time together for the children but where does that leave you? Must be hard.

To be fair to him, he acknowledges from my side that things must be hard - especially since I don't have children - so there's an inherent asymmetry in the relationship. He admits the time they spend together is unusual (they still travel together etc...) Often though, I feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who is not fully available - and most divorced couples have a bit more 'separation' rather than being very enmeshed still.

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Original poster

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:37

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:33

I think I would feel pretty bad about taking a father away from his children on Christmas day. If I were a parent and my pretty recent partner, presumably less than 4 years, was unhappy about it I would really be questioning our compatibility. It's one day in the year. I have to say I think you are being petty and sound jealous. Maybe don't date a man with children because the children shd always come first

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I don't mind him spending time with his children - obviously. He acknowledges how 'unfair' it is to me sometimes.

But we had plans, that he cancelled on - yes, on Christmas evening. We've been together 3 years. It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc... If that makes me petty and jealous, ok. But yes, perhaps we aren't compatible.

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Applepoop · 23/12/2024 02:41

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:37

I don't mind him spending time with his children - obviously. He acknowledges how 'unfair' it is to me sometimes.

But we had plans, that he cancelled on - yes, on Christmas evening. We've been together 3 years. It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc... If that makes me petty and jealous, ok. But yes, perhaps we aren't compatible.

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That’s way too much time together

and really very weird for him to spend that much time with someone who abused him.

this man isn’t present for you. I’d seriously consider ending things.

Rososos · 23/12/2024 02:44

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:37

I don't mind him spending time with his children - obviously. He acknowledges how 'unfair' it is to me sometimes.

But we had plans, that he cancelled on - yes, on Christmas evening. We've been together 3 years. It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc... If that makes me petty and jealous, ok. But yes, perhaps we aren't compatible.

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OP quite simply - don’t date men with kids. Find yourself a nice man your age without all that baggage of spending Christmas with his ex wife. Ugh. That’s just too much. How old are you?

To be clear, I think it’s right and good that a person prioritises his kids,( who wants to be with a deadbeat dad?!) but then as lovely as it is that they are parenting correctly and putting their kids first, I don’t think it’s fair in the long term on the person without kids to be constantly deprioritised. You’re only human so you will feel sidelined.

So the best thing all round in this instance is for him to date a woman with kids and for you to date a man without kids.

I’d never interfere in a man’s relationship with his ex or his kids - which is why I just steer clear to begin with!

YesIdolovehim · 23/12/2024 02:46

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:20

He filed for divorce. She wanted to stay together.

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Do you think that he might want to reconcile with her now that her abusive behaviour is controlled with medication? He does seem to be having his cake and eating it at the moment as you are available when it suits him.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:46

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:37

I don't mind him spending time with his children - obviously. He acknowledges how 'unfair' it is to me sometimes.

But we had plans, that he cancelled on - yes, on Christmas evening. We've been together 3 years. It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc... If that makes me petty and jealous, ok. But yes, perhaps we aren't compatible.

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You 'don't mind' him spending time with his children on Christmas day???

You aren't compatible. You need a man with no children or adult children. You don't seem to have any relationship with his children, who are clearly very important to him. Which is odd 3 years in. Essentially for you to get what you need he has to disappoint his children and rightly he isn't going to do that. I would move on tbh.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:49

Applepoop · 23/12/2024 02:41

That’s way too much time together

and really very weird for him to spend that much time with someone who abused him.

this man isn’t present for you. I’d seriously consider ending things.

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Not if the woman was unwell and is now medicated? Tbh any father who cared about their children would want to be there to make sure big occasions were OK for them. At the end of the day children 99 times out of 100 want to celebrate events with both their parents. It's sensible to safeguard his kids.

Original poster

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:50

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:46

You 'don't mind' him spending time with his children on Christmas day???

You aren't compatible. You need a man with no children or adult children. You don't seem to have any relationship with his children, who are clearly very important to him. Which is odd 3 years in. Essentially for you to get what you need he has to disappoint his children and rightly he isn't going to do that. I would move on tbh.

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No need to be so faux righteous! No one wants to be with anyone who doesn't prioritise his children - that more than obvious - and I would hope would go without saying!

I do have a relationship with his kids - of course. It's been three years after all.

That said, if it doesn't work for me (or indeed anyone else) that's ok too.

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MarkingBad · 23/12/2024 02:54

If he cancels plans to spend time with his children, then no problem, f he is cancelling plans to spend time with ex-wife and children, well OK depending ont he circumstances.

To go on a holiday abroad with ex-wife and children .......... Nah!

It doesn't work for you OP, he knows he is being unreasonable to you because he tells you he recognises that but still goes ahead and does it anyway .... Nah!

3 years in things should be getting serious and you going on holidays abroad with him and the children not with the ex wife! That's not on

Original poster

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:54

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:49

Not if the woman was unwell and is now medicated? Tbh any father who cared about their children would want to be there to make sure big occasions were OK for them. At the end of the day children 99 times out of 100 want to celebrate events with both their parents. It's sensible to safeguard his kids.

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I agree. Of course children want to celebrate events (graduations, birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc...) with both parents. That's why I've kept my distance when necessary - and that's been totally ok on both sides. My issue is him making plans, then cancelling them etc... as a PP said - you often feel sidelined. To his credit, he admits his situation is unusual and they spend a lot of time/domestic and Intl holidays together, so what time I have with him is sometimes rightly limited. So for him to cancel plans - plans that are often scarce - and only made when HE is free, is annoying. Of course, kids come first - especially on days like Christmas - as well as in general - but if you aren't getting your needs met, it's ok to bail too.

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Poppyseeds79 · 23/12/2024 02:55

With his youngest being 13, that's a long way to go until they've maybe moved out of home or family Christmas dynamics change. Also it's a lot of Christmas/holidays for you to spend apart. I'd probably cut my losses if it's not working out for you OP. Absolutely it's only right that he spends time with his kids... But you need to feel that you're not always going to come last in any plans too.

KeeKees · 23/12/2024 02:55

I think you're getting some shitty replies here. I dont think many people would be happy with what he's doing here. It's not about the kids at all, it's the relationship he still has with the ex. Fucking your plans off because he got a better offer? That's shite. If the co-parenting relationship was so healthy why can't you be part of the plans and part of the invite too?

Frozensun · 23/12/2024 03:01

Honestly, I don’t think he’s either ready or available for a relationship. Kids celebrations and events yes - but it’s summer holidays and skiing with both of them. It’s ok if they want to get back together and/or co-parent in a really close way. It sounds as though you’re missing in the relationship, and you need to work out if this is enough for you.

SD1978 · 23/12/2024 03:05

I think this is a situation that is going to be happening more and more with subsequent relationships, because so many couples seem to do this seperated but together thing for major holidays- although it usually (although I could be wrong) seems to o my work until the mum is in a new relationship, then it stops. I don't blame you for being g disappointed Ted, but it sounds like it will be the way it is for many for years.

Rososos · 23/12/2024 03:08

I feel women can learn a lot from men. People may call men selfish and perhaps they can be, but sometimes they’re just a bit more savvy.

I struggle to see any child-free man dating a woman his age (let alone 8 years older), who has kids and an ex husband that she travels and spends Christmas and other major holidays with. Most men would just say no way and be out of there so quick.

And yet so often we see women being roped into thinking they must accept this with a smile on their face when they’re better off just leaving.

Once a guy with 3 kids was trying to argue with me regarding my “no men with kids” rule. He told me it’s very rewarding to help raise other people’s kids and be there for your partner even if you can never be their first priority.

I told him if he feels that ,he should go find a single mother who will not prioritise him and help raise her kids and be happy about it.