Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

211 replies

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:10

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine.

Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it.

Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'.

By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is.

I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result.

AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take.

He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ever changing.

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 25/12/2024 03:39

He's a selfish man OP.
Having Christmas with the kids is one thing, the extra invitation could have included you or his wife taking them and him spending time with you.

He certainly has been eating his cake and having it too.

No one is saying he should dump the kids, but as others have said, how long will this go on for.....
He's said 5 years now, but then comes Uni, first jobs etc.

He can be a present dad whilst still having a healthy relationship with you.

He's not trying to have you be a step parent or part of the family, he's consciously excluding you and that won't change.

You've been more than patient to last 3 years.

Who funds the holidays etc, is he enjoying the free rides?

12daysofchristmas12 · 25/12/2024 06:47

As someone who was in a relationship like this for 3 years, I suggest moving on. It took me years of being the forgotten person despite everything that I did for, and with my partner and his kids. It was heartbreaking for me always being the last priority. I was very supportive of him having a great relationship with his ex wife, but it was devastating to never be allowed to be a part of that. Eventually we broke up and I am in a much happier and healthier relationship!

Shazam2 · 25/12/2024 08:03

I would think your partner is bored with your relationship because I have lots of people around where I live that have similar situations and they don’t dump their current partner. They agree with their ex to have the children one year on Boxing Day and one year on Christmas Day and then they swap the the following year, but the partner of the new relationship does not go back and stay with his ex. I would say read between the lines he has still feelings for his ex could be wrong but he is wrong in doing that and using the kids which is wrong, I would think it would be time for you to move on.

JFDIYOLO · 25/12/2024 09:11

This is how mistresses live (no sympathy for them, tbc) - last thought of, kept in the background, lowest priority, left out, your feelings don't matter. His arrangements and comforts come first. Fun event with friends? You're dropped. Hope you can do some thinking. I reckon your family are worried about you.

FenixWinda · 25/12/2024 12:53

You're not a priority, you're a backup plan, kept dangling 'til he needs you - what he doesn't get at home he gets from you - don't waste your time and life, he's an operator !

Winter2020 · 25/12/2024 13:07

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 18:21

Thank you for all your responses. Things blew up and he said I was 'causing drama' and giving him an 'ultimatum' (which I wasn't).

He acknowledges it's a 'raw deal' for me - but says he's 'not sure what he can do about it'. I asked him if the trips domestic/Intl would continue - he said yes. He said RE: Christmas, he doesn't see anything changing for another 5 years.

He's got the best of both worlds though, whilst I have the worst of both. I think we've reached the end of the road.

I would end this relationship and look for someone who has time for you.

It's all very mature and inclusive but seems to include everyone except for you. If they get along so we'll as co parents etc why can't you be a part of it?

I don't believe it will all end when the youngest turns 18 either. In the future there will be weddings and grandchildren- all new opportunities to leave you home alone.

TwistedWonder · 25/12/2024 13:38

He’s still too enmeshed with his ex . He’s playing happy families when it suits him and he’s got you waiting in the wings for when he’s not doing the family stuff. He wants his cake and eat it.

Definitely it’s a positive to co parent amicably and to work together to make the kids lives easier but this is way too much.

Hes not ready for a full on relationship.

You'd be better with someone your own age without kids tbh

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 25/12/2024 14:13

melissajreyes · 24/12/2024 19:28

I'm not sure how to 'quote' the 'quote' - if that makes sense. So I'll just copy and paste the first quote:

"I think I would feel pretty bad about taking a father away from his children on Christmas day. If I were a parent and my pretty recent partner, presumably less than 4 years, was unhappy about it I would really be questioning our compatibility. It's one day in the year. I have to say I think you are being petty and sound jealous. Maybe don't date a man with children because the children shd always come first"

To be clear, I've never tried to take a father away from his children on Christmas Day. I actually encouraged it - not that he needed that from me. Yes, we've been together 3 years. Never had a Christmas together. However, this year we did have plans (only in the evening - which was totally fine by everyone and agreed in advance). My issue is that he cancelled the evening plans (as per my post). So no, I'm not trying to 'take a father away from his children on Christmas Day.'

To @LalaPaloosa2024 Yes, I'm not sure either at point children come first RE: Christmas Day. But to each their own. Every family is different and everyone has their own rules/traditions etc... My issue on that is my partner said it wasn't going to change. Which is good because he's told me upfront that we won't have a Christmas together anytime soon. 5 years to be exact - which is when the youngest turns 18. To be clear, any Christmas 'together' would obviously/rightly involve his children too - as it should!

Show quote history

I really feel for you OP.
When you tried discussing it with him, what he said to you made me think "that's narcissistic talk". And then reading the rest of your comment I think its clear he's been living a 'have my cake and eat it' life. One good thing is that everything is on the table and you fully know where you stand now. See it as an education on 'how not to be treated' in a relationship again.
Good luck for the future x

Movingonup313 · 25/12/2024 14:56

OP i think its hard to decide what is normal and what you would put up with. Year 1 its all new and you dont want to seem needy etc. Year 2 you accept what went before. Year 3 you were accepting of the christmas DAY plan and expected your evening plans to be seeing your partner. All reasonable. Your partner then cancels your evening-together plans to hang out with friends, and, his.ex wife - and he dresses it up as being for the kids. It the cancellation to see pals didnt annoy me, the sugar coating (lying about the reason) would. He then basically victim-blames when you air your feelings which are inconsistent with what he expects you to feel. You called him out, quite rightly and he turms it on you - that is unreasonable. With all r.ships we have to weigh up what we would and would not accept. Maybe put your r.ship in a non-exclusive category so that you too can have your cake and eat it! (He is kidding on this is all for the sake of the children). Good luck with your decision.

johnyhadasister · 25/12/2024 15:01

He has kids ...that's the Christmas time, with nuclear family. You aren't even married yet , just an add on

KhakiOrca · 25/12/2024 15:05

johnyhadasister · 25/12/2024 15:01

He has kids ...that's the Christmas time, with nuclear family. You aren't even married yet , just an add on

What a shitty comment. Did you RTFT? Have you had a few?

AndThereSheGoes · 25/12/2024 15:13

@KhakiOrca clearly they hadn't. No need to be aggressive.
Point out why they are mis informed and move on.

KhakiOrca · 25/12/2024 15:24

AndThereSheGoes · 25/12/2024 15:13

@KhakiOrca clearly they hadn't. No need to be aggressive.
Point out why they are mis informed and move on.

Misinformed? The first post said it all!

LavenderViolets · 25/12/2024 17:58

Agree it’s sounds like you’re the mistress…..time to end it.

Nantescalling · 25/12/2024 18:54

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:34

To be fair to him, he acknowledges from my side that things must be hard - especially since I don't have children - so there's an inherent asymmetry in the relationship. He admits the time they spend together is unusual (they still travel together etc...) Often though, I feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who is not fully available - and most divorced couples have a bit more 'separation' rather than being very enmeshed still.

Show quote history

Where do they 'travel' tigether? Commute to work, go off on long drives? Jet off for weekends?

Nantescalling · 25/12/2024 18:58

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:10

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine.

Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it.

Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'.

By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is.

I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result.

AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take.

He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ever changing.

Did he ask you if it was OK by you when he told you he had agreed to go jazzing with kids, ex and mates?

MyTherapistSaidImAnAdult · 25/12/2024 19:20

So I cooked our family Christmas dinner at my ex's house. Our son is 18.
I also dropped my daughter who's 7 off with him when she broke up from school last Friday. Myself and hubby (daughter's dad) arrived here for Christmas on Christmas Eve and usually stay till 27th.
We've been doing it this way for the last 8 years.
When you have kids, you're still a family.
Get involved?

Owl55 · 26/12/2024 19:41

Next Christmas invite his children and his wife to Christmas lunch , see what he says then !

notbythehaironmychinnychin · 26/12/2024 19:59

johnyhadasister · 25/12/2024 15:01

He has kids ...that's the Christmas time, with nuclear family. You aren't even married yet , just an add on

They aren't a nuclear family, mum and dad are not in a relationship.

Mamana127 · 27/12/2024 20:02

if I was to start allover again I would NEVER get involved with a man with an ex and kids. Not all but majority are a nightmare, if you can I would advise you to move on from this mess which will hurt you beyond words.
If they are amicable as they claim then you should have been invited to the party as no bad feelings. Find a man you can start with love. It’s about to get worse.

SoInLuv · 27/12/2024 20:24

MyTherapistSaidImAnAdult · 25/12/2024 19:20

So I cooked our family Christmas dinner at my ex's house. Our son is 18.
I also dropped my daughter who's 7 off with him when she broke up from school last Friday. Myself and hubby (daughter's dad) arrived here for Christmas on Christmas Eve and usually stay till 27th.
We've been doing it this way for the last 8 years.
When you have kids, you're still a family.
Get involved?

I don't know any other family who'd do Christmas like that but each to their own.
All people I know (including my own blended family) spend Christmas etc NOT together with their exes
🫠 We feel it's healthy and all the children are happy this way which is the most important thing

OneAmberFinch · 27/12/2024 20:41

Break up with him and encourage him to get back together with his wife.

Fewer men might break up families if their chances of getting together with a woman a decade younger weren't so high...

Mamana127 · 27/12/2024 20:48

OneAmberFinch · 27/12/2024 20:41

Break up with him and encourage him to get back together with his wife.

Fewer men might break up families if their chances of getting together with a woman a decade younger weren't so high...

@OneAmberFinch
most men with ex’s do not come clean about their situation until you are really deep into the relationship. They paint a very amicable picture, all hanky dory then the ex family hits! You try your best to be the best new step mum to be/ step mum, but you are castigated from the off! Nothing is ever right. Not worth it love, Just find a single guy and date them and have a beautiful peace of mind.

OneAmberFinch · 27/12/2024 21:12

Mamana127 · 27/12/2024 20:48

@OneAmberFinch
most men with ex’s do not come clean about their situation until you are really deep into the relationship. They paint a very amicable picture, all hanky dory then the ex family hits! You try your best to be the best new step mum to be/ step mum, but you are castigated from the off! Nothing is ever right. Not worth it love, Just find a single guy and date them and have a beautiful peace of mind.

Show quote history

Hard agree

Beetlebumz · 27/12/2024 21:25

Ooh this would upset me. Maybe ibu but it genuinely would