Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

[melissajreyes]

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine.

Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it.

Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'.

By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is.

I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result.

AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take.

He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ever changing.

Wouldn't it be simpler to date people without children if people can't handle parents doing things with children? Parents split up constantly and complain 'where is the father in all this?' so a father spends time with his children and now people are complaining about this

High Days, holidays and holidays abroad with the kids no problem.

Holidays abroad with the ex wife when you're 3 years in and you've got a relationship with the kids? No!

He isn't just a father, he's still acting like a husband who can have a side piece, being the side piece can't be a comfortable place when you thought you were the girl friend

He's never going to tell his ex wife he already has plans with you and will always choose to spend time with her. His kids are teenagers, if they wanted to hang out with his friends kids they already would be.

He's a CF and using you until a better option comes along. He didn't choose spending time with his kids, he's choosing his friends and ex wife over you. He already had plans, his friends would have understood that.

You deserve someone who keeps their commitments to you. Dump him.

Have you met the friends who are doing the inviting over @melissajreyes ? Do you have a relationship with them, too?

He is far too involved with his ex wife

You are never going to be a priority in his life.

I'm sorry OP but it would be better for you if you ended your relationship with him.

I went to all your replies to get a jist and OP you arnt being treated fairly here at all. 3 years with someone and you are still being on your own at Christmas and other events, while he goes and plays happy families with the ex wife?? Goes on holidays too? HA!

"It's for the kids" 13 and 17...

He is mugging you off. You sound like the other woman and you arnt! You have put up with alot by sounds of it but it's time to have a man fully available for you!

Lots of men have kids, along with divorce and don't treat their girlfriends this way and they certainly dont piss off on regular ex family events! You deserve better!

He's probably still having sex as well. Very enmeshed. @melissajreyes Dump, find someone with less baggage.

Children should come first. His ex wife shouldn't. And his friends certainly shouldn't. I think you have seen exactly where you fit here - he doesn't see you at Christmas at all. He, in fact, cancelled his plans to see you at short notice. This sounds awful and lonely and you are being treated as an afterthought and somebody that he can simply cancel plans at short notice. I have some sympathy for the formerly abusive wife here.

I would leave. Return any Christmas presents you have bought for him and his children and start prioritising yourself. In fact, I'm mean enough that I'd just block his number - permanently. You never know it might take him a while to notice - you know when he has a spare hour he is thinking of granting you. You owe him nothing.

Not all divorced fathers behave like selfish asses but when single, I went for childless, and really I think that it is something to aim for in future.

Not normal

Does his kids know you?

I also think he has issues. Usually it's a good sign when men initiate separations as it indicates its "over" in their heads as well as the physical end to the relationship. The fact he's choosing to hang round with her so much is bad news especially as she felt the need to be abusive towards him.
After three years there's no reason you can't be part of Christmas with him and his kids after their family day. He shouldn't be excluding you from plans that came after you had arrangements. Did he invite you at any point to meet this mate?

He is far too involved with ex wife and cancelling your plans to go off to see family friends with his exwife is unreasonable and unfair to you.

I would not do what he is doing to you nor would my dh. Your dp doesn't have to accept the invite to his friends, and I think you should be invited with him and his kids. He choose to disregard your feelings. It would be the last xmas I spent with him. Or rather, that I didn't spend with him.

This

I would have expected him to spend the day with the kids then come back to you in the evening. It's up to their Mum if she wanted to take up the friends offer. I assume the friends know about you, so it's a bit off of them to invite all of them over as a family.

But I'm shit at relationships so what do I know? 🤣 In the past though, I have spent Christmas and birthdays with ex then gone home with kids to spend evening with partner and ex would have his own evening plans.

Exactly 💯

@melissajreyes you're an after-thought to him.

He could easily spend time with his children, maybe not in Christmas Day, but over the school holiday, instead he chooses to play Happy Families with his ex, when he's meant to be in a relationship with you.

listen to your instinct, it's never wrong. It sounds like he's 'just not that into you' as they say. I'd stop wasting valuable years of your life waiting on the sidelines for him to pick you. It will only get worse if it's like this now.

Be with someone who values and respects you, who wants to spent time with you, not someone who is happy to let you down at the last minute because you don't fit into his other plans.

Spending time with the children on Christmas day isn't the issue here it's the fact he seems to still be doing what his ex wife wants and not remotely interested in putting you before her

You are better off cutting all loss with this man and move on

I wouldn’t be ok with this, personally. But it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. Is this relationship making you happy?

It’s been 3 years, why are you not invited along too in Xmas day and family activities?

It’s too much. The holidays and Christmases. To all intents and purposes he is still living a life of a married family man.

He should have enjoyed Christmas Day as planned with dc and then stick to his evening plans with you. And not accept another random invite. You do not feature at all in his life or plans for anything. I would be ending the relationship if things don’t change next year.

Please stop looking for men in the thrift shop. I think it’s fine if he was up front about having Christmas Day with his ex and kids. But making plans with you for Christmas night then canceling like that is awful.
End it, you should date someone that can’t wait to see you Christmas night if you can’t spend the day together.

How he’s treating you is beyond rude. That he spends Christmas Day with his kids and ex, I could accept as this is nice if all are happy with the arrangement. However, the invite to the friend’s house was the moment to make the choice. Either they are more his friends or more his ex’s friends. If they say they are friends both the same, that is fine. However, in that case, these friends would be respecting the two of you as a unit, especially after 3 years. And from what you’re saying, they potentially aren’t, then your ‘boyfriend’ has chosen the relationship with those friends over the relationship with you.

TLDR end things with him. He is putting his ex and seemingly his friendships with friends of his ex before you.

It's not what I would want in a relationship so I would tell him it was over. I don't think many women would put up with it to be honest. He's not doing his ex any favours as she thinks he wants to carry on living like they used to, visiting friends together and so on. He's not doing the kids any favours, either. It's confusing for them. As for you, you are bottom of the pile and that's not a place I would be happy to be.

This.

This is what it is. You’d be wrong to work to stop him spending Christmas with his kids, or to try force then to do separate Christmases.

It is however completely reasonable to not be ok with never having Christmas as a family.

Really you need to decide how big a deal this is. Are you ok with always being dropped? Are you ok with never celebrating on the day? If it’s just a minor annoyance then fine. If it’s something that’s going to make you unhappy year in year out then move on.

Personally, I wouldn’t be ok with this. Christmas is a major holiday for me and I’d expect that most of the time I’d spend it with my partner.