Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

[melissajreyes]

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine.

Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it.

Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'.

By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is.

I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result.

AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take.

He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ever changing.

He’s doing what he thinks is best for the DC

Is he though? I mean if he wants to see his kids on Xmas day why can’t OP go with him? Why are they spending Xmas together as a family when they aren’t a family because he divorced her? I’m sorry but it seems really sus to me.

Getting in a relationship with a man who has dependent kids is always going to be compromise, torn loyalties, changed plans, him thinking of them before you, and her always being part of the mix.

It goes with that choice. So you have a choice now.

Accept this is how it is.

He was the one who left, as one of her victims, and his kids being with an abusive medicated woman might be very worrying for him. At a time like Christmas that can be very stressful he understandably wants to be around the kids, whatever plans are made.

This will be you alone at Christmas at least for the next five years.

Or tell him this doesn't work for you and ask him to change his plans and spend it with you.

Don't be surprised if he refuses.

Or ask as you have been together this long if you can be included in the visit as his partner. Part of his children's lives.

See what he says. I think his answer there will tell you a lot about where you sit in his priorities.

It’s a no from me

its great that he wants to spend time with his kids. But as pp said, he is not there for you.

More importantly if you feel neglected, or resentful of him dropping you like a stone for family friends, well, you are entitled to. And, you should listen to what your gut is telling you - that you will never be his priority.

Sounds like he does have great qualities, perhaps look for those in a man who is looking to build his own family with you.

No you should be invited as his partner.
How long have you been together ?
Do the kids know you ?
Reality is if they wanted to hang out with old friends together they should have stayed as a couple.
I am all for being civil or doing what’s best for the kids but it’s been nearly 5 years and the kids are teenagers. .
Id take your time over Xmas to think about what you want . He can’t do as he pleases just because he can pull the “I have kids card “ and you don’t.

I know me and this get together at night without you but taking his ex wife would be a step too far for me. .

@melissajreyes i actually can’t believe he spends every holiday with his ex wife. .
Id verge on he has his cake and eats it .
Doesn't single parent the kids ever .
Doesn’t have to live with the wife and can play around with whoever. .He can cancel plans with one women to spend with another as he got a better offer. .

Id run from this .
He isn’t doing this for his kids this is for him.

Its entirely up to you if you accept this or not. Many people would not be happy to have to spend Christmas apart from their partners, especially as it seems that the time away is escalating. I suppose whether you accept it depends on how much you value the relationship in other ways. One day a year may be tolerable in the context of an otherwise fantastic relationship, where you feel respected and valued, and where you have trust. However if this is one of multiple ways in which this relationship falls short, then perhaps its time to consider if its right for you.

It’s very odd he’s spending every occasion known to man with his ex wife.

Christmas day - yes.
Christmas evening should be yours and his OR you join him, the ex and their teens for an hour then leave together.

Thanksgiving, Easter and holidays/vacations - NO.

It’s quite clear the ex wife won’t let go and she’s using any excuse to drag him away from you in the hopes you’ll get pissed off and end things.

Personally, I’d end things.

I think the OP is being completely gaslit by some of the earlier responses here (haven’t rtft so hopefully some more sensible folks have been along by now).

This is absolutely not normal, to treat you like you don’t exist in this way on Christmas Day.

A mature co-parenting relationship can look many ways - and it’s absolutely great the DP and his XW get together for presents, and for the kids to have their family together on Christmas Day, but three years into a relationship the OP should be factored in by her DP. For him to casually ditch their plans in favour of a family visit to friends in the afternoon is pretty dreadful and shows her exactly where she stands in the grand scheme of things.

OP, I’d take the hint and tell him you don’t think there is a future here. Think about your dignity and self worth. If the DP respected and loved you you’d be integrated and included.

My sister and her Ex would always get together on Xmas day and have dinner with the kids and extended family. Even though they hated each other. But when he met someone else he would make plans with his girlfriend in the evening. She was fine with him seeing his kids as you are OP.

i think he’s being really unreasonable cancelling on you like this. It shows lack of respect- no matter how he tries to dress it up. I would feel really put out and have a long hard think about how this relationship is going to pan out in the future.

Christmas day I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with BUT the extension into family day's out visiting family friends, cancelled evening plans and the additional info that they spend all holidays together and travel regularly as a family - absolutely not. I don't think that's normal levels of contact at all.

Agree with a PP who said that it seems that they are still acting as a married couple and you are the side piece.

I would be ending it unfortunately. It's absolutely correct for a dad to prioritise his kids, but not prioritise his ex wife as part of that.

It's shit.

Why are posters always so mean? Why should the OP have to put up with Xmas with her parents like a child forever whilst her "DP" plays Happy Families with his XW?

Literally no one on MN would be ok with this. Fair enough if she had her own DCs to be with and accommodate but she doesn't. The posters saying it's fine are clearly first wives who've never been in the situation of being sidelined by a man and packed off to spend Xmas with parents like Bridget Jones.

Whether it’s normal or not, you don’t have to accept it. Dating men with kids is a pain in the arse if you don’t have them and I’d perhaps reevaluate your relationship if parts of it are not making you happy.

Thank you for all your responses. Things blew up and he said I was 'causing drama' and giving him an 'ultimatum' (which I wasn't).

He acknowledges it's a 'raw deal' for me - but says he's 'not sure what he can do about it'. I asked him if the trips domestic/Intl would continue - he said yes. He said RE: Christmas, he doesn't see anything changing for another 5 years.

He's got the best of both worlds though, whilst I have the worst of both. I think we've reached the end of the road.

He's already spending time with his kids. To then cancel an arrangement with you to spend more time with them, when he has already had the time that was considered acceptable before the addional offer feels off to me too.

He's in a relationship with you too and and although he should prioritise his children this feels a step too far. He could have perhaps included you in the additional arrangement, you've been with him for 3 years after all
... or just left his ex to take the kids. He does "owe" some time and respect to you as his long term partner too.

You're right.

To be honest, at this point - it's not really about Christmas Day itself - it's the relationship as a whole.

Parenting is so hard and a real balancing act as it. It's even harder to date someone without children - and balance that too. I fully respect his role as a father and I would never try to get in the way of that. He acknowledges this - which is great - but even so, I'm bottom of the pile all too frequently. I do not appreciate being told I'm 'causing drama' if I ask to have my basic needs met after 3 years.

The problem is that they separated and they are trying to act like they are still together.

You can be amicable for the children and still lead your own lives.

The ex has priority over the new girlfriend at Xmas so I can understand why OP is upset,

Hi OP
Seems you have him sussed.
You know the answer already. And good for you. Good luck, you are gonna be fine!

I don't think you've got what I'd call a partner.

Parenting is so hard and a real balancing act as it. It's even harder to date someone without children - and balance that too. I fully respect his role as a father and I would never try to get in the way of that. He acknowledges this - which is great - but even so, I'm bottom of the pile all too frequently. I do not appreciate being told I'm 'causing drama' if I ask to have my basic needs met after 3 years.

Well at least he’s been honest with you even if the bottom line is he’s still inconsiderate.

So yes I think it’s time to move on, OP. Again I’d advise finding a man without kids - especially if you want some of your own.

While your partner is a bit extreme and not necessarily typical of a man with kids, I know various childfree women who still struggle with similar things when dating men with kids even ifs not to the same degree.

It’s just easier all round and I think we all deserve to be no. 1 priority, when we prioritise our partner. Otherwise it’s imbalanced and the inevitable resentment creeps up over time.

My dh has got a child from a previous relationship and we got together when his son was two (he's now 21), every christmas he visits his son for a couple of hours on the day and then comes home.
He does this because he wants to see his son but also wants to see me, which is as it should be.

Your partner is still playing happy families with his ex, one of his kids is almost an adult and the other one isn't a little kid any more.
Of course he should go and see them but to then go to a friend's house surely you should be the one invited there and not his ex, you've been together a long time now and should be part of his children's lives too.

I'd find it very strange if dh's friends invited him and his ex together.

I haven't read the full thread but this is not normal. I went through the same with my ex and tried to rationalise it as 'good parent behaviour'. It's not. Ultimately I found out years down the line that there was far more to it all, lots of lies and ultimately they were sleeping together. Listen to your gut.

You'll be starting a new year without this crap OP, although you will hurt a bit!
He of course blamed you "causing drama" - well no need to worry about you rocking his boat anymore! Because you are going to rise up and find a man who includes you into everything in his life! Sorry its come to this but good luck x

It's a reallt tough situation. It's lovely they can spend Christmas together. I'm guessing she doesn't have a new relationship. They can do that without wanting to be together.

Cancelling your evening plans is a bit off though. Edited - after seeing him saying you are causing drama, get rid. He can't give you what you want.