Page 5 | Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

melissajreyes · 2024-12-23T02:10:39+00:00

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine. Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it. Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'. By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is. I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result. AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take. He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ^ever^ changing.

Freeasabird76 · 23/12/2024 08:03

I can understand the upset about night plans changing and that's unfair but until 13 yr old is 18 I'd assume christmas day will not be spent together.

VaddaABeetch · 23/12/2024 08:08

ThatKhakiMoose · 23/12/2024 05:51

Sometimes I really feel that divorced dads and single women mix like oil and water, especially if she wants her own family as well.

Not sure how old you are, OP, or if you want your own husband and kids, but if you do, and you're still relatively young, I would find a fresh one. Much nicer to start your own marriage and family with someone who doesn't have an ex-wife and kids with another woman. There are always going to be divided loyalties, and all the firsts for you, like marriage, pregnancy, newborn etc are all things he's already done with someone else. Nah. Get a nice new one for yourself.

My thoughts too. If he has a 17 year old I’m guessing he’s mid 40s ? If you’re 8 years younger you’re late 30s?

Do you want your own kids? If so I’d get rid of this one. He’s getting the girlfriend experience with you but one he can pick up or leave down as he feels like it.

OrigamiOwls · 23/12/2024 08:08

Of course his kids should be the top priority. But he's shown you where you are on the pecking order - below the kids (fine), below the ex-wife and below his friend (less fine).

I would be starting to consider whether this relationship is for you, as you have very different priorities. He wants to play happy families with the ex, but also keep you hanging for when it's convenient for him. Are you willing to settle for the scraps he's offering you?

Three years is enough time to get the lay of the land in the relationship. He's getting his cake and eating it too. Just depends if you are happy with that?

SoInLuv · 23/12/2024 08:10

notbythehaironmychinnychin · 23/12/2024 07:09

'It's for the kids' is a line that is always trotted out to stop partners from challenging inappropriate boundaries between ex partners. They're either together or they aren't. If they were so bothered about everything being 'for the kids' they would have stayed together in the first place and not disrupted their children by putting them through a divorce. But they did. Shit happens, life goes on. He can't have it both ways. I actually disagree that spending Christmas Day and holidays with divorced mum and dad is healthy for children as it sends so many mixed messages, I would have hated this and felt so confused. He is treating you like some shameful side piece and I would leave the relationship.

I agree 💯

Honeycrisp · 23/12/2024 08:12

OrigamiOwls · 23/12/2024 08:08

Of course his kids should be the top priority. But he's shown you where you are on the pecking order - below the kids (fine), below the ex-wife and below his friend (less fine).

I would be starting to consider whether this relationship is for you, as you have very different priorities. He wants to play happy families with the ex, but also keep you hanging for when it's convenient for him. Are you willing to settle for the scraps he's offering you?

Three years is enough time to get the lay of the land in the relationship. He's getting his cake and eating it too. Just depends if you are happy with that?

Agree. It's fine for him to have a priority list, it's also fine for OP as one of the lower ranked not to be up for that. Sometimes people are just incompatible.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 23/12/2024 08:15

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:46

You 'don't mind' him spending time with his children on Christmas day???

You aren't compatible. You need a man with no children or adult children. You don't seem to have any relationship with his children, who are clearly very important to him. Which is odd 3 years in. Essentially for you to get what you need he has to disappoint his children and rightly he isn't going to do that. I would move on tbh.

Show quote history

This is such a crappy response and quoting out of context, nitpicking.

OP has nothing against partner spending time with kids. But that also means she is left on her own and this is also not pleasant.

OP sorry nit read the whole thread, but I think I would leave. Your DP is a bit shitty to you saying 'oh it must be hard' but then he is clealry still with his (ex?) wife and this may not change for many years to come, in which you will be always the third wheel and he will never commit. He has his cake and eats it having his family and then oyu on the side when he is nto with them, and his 'sorry' does not change it for you.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 23/12/2024 08:17

Inmydreams88 · 23/12/2024 07:34

He has kids. He is putting those kids first at Christmas. Divorce doesn't have to be fighting, name calling and not speaking to each other. They seem civil, they are both putting their childrens needs first. Good on them.

But they also travel together and go out together, as OP sits on her own. Good for them, not so good for her. tyhey could be civil but also he could spend time with his actual partner rather than changing plans last minute to spend more time with his wife (who do not seem to be an ex after all)

Coconutter24 · 23/12/2024 08:28

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:37

I don't mind him spending time with his children - obviously. He acknowledges how 'unfair' it is to me sometimes.

But we had plans, that he cancelled on - yes, on Christmas evening. We've been together 3 years. It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc... If that makes me petty and jealous, ok. But yes, perhaps we aren't compatible.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t be with him tbh. He's maintaining a life with his ex wife and I know people will say it’s for the kids but the kids are 13 and 17 and plenty old enough to understand that their parents are divorced and live separate lives. He could still take them on holidays etc just him and the kids so he gets time with them. Of course there’s no reason they can’t be friends given they’re prepared to spend all this time together but it’s cross I g boundaries I couldn’t deal with, that’s not their problem if their happy with the set up it’s mine so for that reason I’d have to walk away

Centralperky · 23/12/2024 08:35

OP I could have written this post myself 10 years ago, but the kids were 17 & 23!

I found it really hard, I was much younger than him and had no kids of my own. It became clear that we would never be a family in the sense that I understood family to be, and we ultimately broke up. He had his family, and I wasn’t part of it.

ChristmasFluff · 23/12/2024 08:44

He isn't free to have a relationship because he's still tangled up with his (ex) wife.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, when people are truly amicable, they don't confuse the children by playing happy families. Or rather, when they do, new partners are there too (I am amicable with my ex-husband).

It's never really 'for the children'. It's because at least one of them is hoping for reconciliation, and the other partner is either there reluctantly (having fallen for the lie), or is a player who wants to keep alive the hopes of their ex.

But whatever, he has amply demonstrated he has no room for you in his life in any meaningful way. His willingness to be aorund his ex and his lack of care for your plans would suggest to me that he is a player, and is now messing with your head.

loveawineloveacrisp · 23/12/2024 08:45

KeeKees · 23/12/2024 02:55

I think you're getting some shitty replies here. I dont think many people would be happy with what he's doing here. It's not about the kids at all, it's the relationship he still has with the ex. Fucking your plans off because he got a better offer? That's shite. If the co-parenting relationship was so healthy why can't you be part of the plans and part of the invite too?

Agree with this. From someone who married a man with kids, he has never cancelled his Christmas plans with me to spend it with the ex. He'd be a goner if he had.

WidgetDigit2022 · 23/12/2024 08:45

Do you want kids OP? If so, how do you both envision this working with more kids in the mix? How will he manage his time then?

I think you’re getting the short straw and will always be relegated. Some of that is to be expected, although you need to sit down and work out how this will work in the long term. When will you be included?!

I think there’s a lot of work to be done to incorporate you into this family. You can’t stay in the outskirts, it’s not right or sustainable.

Sharptonguedwoman · 23/12/2024 08:48

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:37

I don't mind him spending time with his children - obviously. He acknowledges how 'unfair' it is to me sometimes.

But we had plans, that he cancelled on - yes, on Christmas evening. We've been together 3 years. It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc... If that makes me petty and jealous, ok. But yes, perhaps we aren't compatible.

Show quote history

Oh girl. Honestly, throw this one back. He's not worth the pain.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 23/12/2024 08:48

@melissajreyes It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc...
so virtually every holiday and even thanksgiving which is not even celebrated in UK???? nah, I would stop wasting time on this relationship. he is not invested in it enough. why cant ex wife not take her kids on hols on her own and he can also take them on hols without her? that is truly spending time with them! they are very nearly adults!

PeriPeriMam · 23/12/2024 08:50

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:54

I agree. Of course children want to celebrate events (graduations, birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc...) with both parents. That's why I've kept my distance when necessary - and that's been totally ok on both sides. My issue is him making plans, then cancelling them etc... as a PP said - you often feel sidelined. To his credit, he admits his situation is unusual and they spend a lot of time/domestic and Intl holidays together, so what time I have with him is sometimes rightly limited. So for him to cancel plans - plans that are often scarce - and only made when HE is free, is annoying. Of course, kids come first - especially on days like Christmas - as well as in general - but if you aren't getting your needs met, it's ok to bail too.

Edited

Show quote history

You sound very reasonable and sensible.

I've very happily been with my partner more than 10 years. Usually he spends Xmas with his kids and ex wife too, and there'll be a few other occasions where he'll go to some other event that includes all of them. I'm totally fine with this and do my own family stuff for Xmas. There's at least 364 other days a year. I agree with the general viewpoint that's a decent man prioritizing his kids, and sometimes trying to force blend yourself into these situations just isn't the way forward.

However, I think you're actually describing him last minute ditching his plans with you for Christmas day evening, which is different, and going to a family/friends do. That would piss me off, separately from anything else. There does anyway sound like a bit of over involvement eg if I read your reply correctly, family holidays with him and the ex wife. Just spending Christmas day or other important occasions with his kids isn't an issue in my mind, the other bits would be

KeeKees · 23/12/2024 08:52

Edingril · 23/12/2024 03:09

Wouldn't it be simpler to date people without children if people can't handle parents doing things with children? Parents split up constantly and complain 'where is the father in all this?' so a father spends time with his children and now people are complaining about this

Show quote history

Where did OP say the issue was him doing anything with his children. She has repeatedly said the opposite of that. His children aren't the issue, the ex wife is.

KeeKees · 23/12/2024 08:53

LadyChilli · 23/12/2024 07:54

It took a while for some common sense to arrive here! Of course his kids come first and of course it's great that he maintains a civil relationship with his ex for the sake of the kids. This doesn't make it ok for him to make plans with OP and then cancel them in favour of more time with the ex and kids (previously it wasn't either or, he was seeing the kids too). Leaving someone at a loose end at relatively short notice at Christmas is not fair.

Show quote history

Yeah the replies beforehand were just batshit!!

rstare786 · 23/12/2024 08:55

Can't work out how to reply to the comment but he's the issue, not his children or ex wife.

MixedCouple2 · 23/12/2024 08:59

Depends on your relationship with the kids and him.long term partnership or newly together. Are the kids with you guys and do you have that relationship with them. If you been together over 3 years then I would expect you to be invited as well if you are on good terms as you say whats the harm in you being there.
If your relationship is new and not serious yet then I get it.
But also if your unhappy with it and this is what it will be liie for years to come then that's is not ok really.

pointswinprizes · 23/12/2024 09:03

I struggle to see any child-free man dating a woman his age (let alone 8 years older), who has kids and an ex husband that she travels and spends Christmas and other major holidays with. Most men would just say no way and be out of there so quick.

And yet so often we see women being roped into thinking they must accept this with a smile on their face when they’re better off just leaving.

Once a guy with 3 kids was trying to argue with me regarding my “no men with kids” rule. He told me it’s very rewarding to help raise other people’s kids and be there for your partner even if you can never be their first priority

This.

happyseason · 23/12/2024 09:07

I do think it’s a bit much. Fine to visit for a couple of hours on Christmas morning but not visiting another family for the evening with his ex-wife as if they were still together. I would say that is unusual.

When I separated I used to get invited to the same Christmas events eg friends’ family parties but on my own with my children. Ex
used to visit in the morning to give the children their presents. Now they are older he sees them either Christmas Day or Boxing Day.

Also now you have been together a few years I think he should be spending Christmas with you, around his commitments with the children of course.

dayslikethese1 · 23/12/2024 09:10

I bet this won't continue if the wife gets a new bloke....
Isn't it weird for teenagers for their divorced parents to be together for every holiday/special event? A graduation or something I get but every holiday?

MyPithyPoster · 23/12/2024 09:13

Once a guy with 3 kids was trying to argue with me regarding my “no men with kids” rule. He told me it’s very rewarding to help raise other people’s kids and be there for your partner even if you can never be their first priority
You’re lucky it was just that, I got called a Baren old witch because I had a no child rule (under 12) apparently if you’ve not had children by the time you get to my age 40 at the time I was going to be a bitter old bitch.
I had four children at the time, I just genuinely couldn’t handle any more especially ones that weren’t mine.

MyPithyPoster · 23/12/2024 09:14

dayslikethese1 · 23/12/2024 09:10

I bet this won't continue if the wife gets a new bloke....
Isn't it weird for teenagers for their divorced parents to be together for every holiday/special event? A graduation or something I get but every holiday?

It sounds like the wife is perfectly happy with the old bloke.

TwinkleLights24 · 23/12/2024 09:15

Be wary of him using the kids as an excuse to do whatever he likes.