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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

211 replies

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:10

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine.

Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it.

Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'.

By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is.

I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result.

AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take.

He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ever changing.

OP posts:
notbythehaironmychinnychin · 23/12/2024 07:09

'It's for the kids' is a line that is always trotted out to stop partners from challenging inappropriate boundaries between ex partners. They're either together or they aren't. If they were so bothered about everything being 'for the kids' they would have stayed together in the first place and not disrupted their children by putting them through a divorce. But they did. Shit happens, life goes on. He can't have it both ways. I actually disagree that spending Christmas Day and holidays with divorced mum and dad is healthy for children as it sends so many mixed messages, I would have hated this and felt so confused. He is treating you like some shameful side piece and I would leave the relationship.

Tontostitis · 23/12/2024 07:10

This wouldn't work for me and I'd finish it.

dollybird · 23/12/2024 07:11

zoemum2006 · 23/12/2024 07:07

You’re being treated like an affair partner!

This is the weirdest divorce ever. I’ve never heard the like.

I thought ‘putting the children first’ meant doing what you promise - not acting like you’re still married to their mum.

This

JWhipple · 23/12/2024 07:12

Why aren't you invited to this?

Surely the issue isn't a man spending Christmas with his children, it's the fact his partner isn't invited despite having a relationship with his children.

It sounds more about the ex's needs than having a family Christmas.

Isthisexpected · 23/12/2024 07:12

I think it's his decision but personally I would have expected him to decline the invite in the evening so he could spend time with you or invite you to go along too.

Isthisexpected · 23/12/2024 07:13

I also think it's your decision as to whether this all feels acceptable. It wouldn't for me.

NameChanges123 · 23/12/2024 07:18

"Often though, I feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who is not fully available - and most divorced couples have a bit more 'separation' rather than being very enmeshed still."

I think you're right about this - he's not fully available. One of them (your partner or his ex) may very well be harbouring intentions to get back together. A four-years-ago split isn't that long ago.

I'd also wonder what message this is sending to the children who may be hopeful about their parents getting back together.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

AmusedBouched · 23/12/2024 07:22

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:37

I don't mind him spending time with his children - obviously. He acknowledges how 'unfair' it is to me sometimes.

But we had plans, that he cancelled on - yes, on Christmas evening. We've been together 3 years. It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc... If that makes me petty and jealous, ok. But yes, perhaps we aren't compatible.

Show quote history

I have a friend in a very, very similar situation to you. including the holidays and ski trips etc for the kids. I’ve never understood how she does it, but she decided the relationship is worth it and she gets on with the kids herself but has learnt where to put in boundaries for herself through therapy.

If you think the relationship is worth working through then I’d maybe recommend getting professional unbiased help (therapy) to help you navigate it in a way that works for you too.

Absolutely the kids come first, but I entirely see why you find it difficult them then playing happy families at another persons house which you are left out of.

Just remember that they divorced for a reason, and you know your partner and his ex won’t be lovey dovey together or behaving couple-y. The idea in your head of how they will be together I suspect is a lot different to the reality.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 23/12/2024 07:28

Personally I'd throw this one back. I couldn't be with someone and never be a priority.

hattie43 · 23/12/2024 07:30

Sounds a bit too much like cosy family time tbh and his kids are not babies . Old enough for Christmas at mums and Boxing Day at yours .

MyPithyPoster · 23/12/2024 07:32

You are a young single girl with the world at your feet and hundreds probably thousands of young men who would love to be with you on Christmas Day and yet here you are in tangling yourself in this shit ?
What is so fabulous about this old man that you’re prepared to be left like some mistress on the side for all major holidays

Inmydreams88 · 23/12/2024 07:34

He has kids. He is putting those kids first at Christmas. Divorce doesn't have to be fighting, name calling and not speaking to each other. They seem civil, they are both putting their childrens needs first. Good on them.

Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2024 07:34

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:33

I think I would feel pretty bad about taking a father away from his children on Christmas day. If I were a parent and my pretty recent partner, presumably less than 4 years, was unhappy about it I would really be questioning our compatibility. It's one day in the year. I have to say I think you are being petty and sound jealous. Maybe don't date a man with children because the children shd always come first

Show quote history

@melissajreyes you do not sound petty nor jealous.

"normal" is for parents to have kids alternate Christmases once divorced but obviously not every split family has to choose to do what the majority do if it suits them.

If their "normal" has been them for the day and you for the evening then I would sat rhat you are disappointed that he has changed the plans you had together but maybe arrange something special for Boxing Day instead.

I would set out your expectations going forward and maybe even have the discussion that if next year you are still around the split has been long enough and the kids well used to the situation for Christmases to alternate or split days between their divorced parents as is more common in such situations.

AmberAlert86 · 23/12/2024 07:36

Have you posted before? Only asking as I remember reading a post and situation was identical.
It's great that he spends plenty of time with his kids, but why can't you be included more? I'm not sure it's healthy to spend every single holiday with his ex and kids. Why is it not him and kids, and some trips with you included? Have you had a holiday with him and his kids ever?
It's totally reasonable to finish the relationship with this man if that's what you want. Don't want to upset you but ulyou seem quite low in his priority list. I don't think anything will change anytime soon. Don't waste your time.

rstare786 · 23/12/2024 07:38

The children are 17 and 13 so not young. He's not doing it for the children. They might think they're doing it for the children but they're giving them mixed messages of what a relationship is and blurred boundaries. Would he like his children's future partner to leave them at Christmas to spend it with the ex. This doing it for the children is rubbish.

MeridianB · 23/12/2024 07:42

One person’s ’unusual’ is another person’s ’unnecessary’.

Either way, his actions put you at the bottom of a big pecking order after (understandably) his two children, then ex, then the friends. Three years in I’d expect an invitation to the friends or at least for him to want to spend some time with you, perhaps the evening.

It would be interesting to understand how many years he plans to do this for.

OCDmama · 23/12/2024 07:50

3 years is barely anything. Christmas is for his children.

rstare786 · 23/12/2024 07:53

I disagree. 3 years is a significant amount of time for a relationship. Has he even asked his children if that's what they want. I know my children would find it awkward.

LadyChilli · 23/12/2024 07:54

KeeKees · 23/12/2024 02:55

I think you're getting some shitty replies here. I dont think many people would be happy with what he's doing here. It's not about the kids at all, it's the relationship he still has with the ex. Fucking your plans off because he got a better offer? That's shite. If the co-parenting relationship was so healthy why can't you be part of the plans and part of the invite too?

It took a while for some common sense to arrive here! Of course his kids come first and of course it's great that he maintains a civil relationship with his ex for the sake of the kids. This doesn't make it ok for him to make plans with OP and then cancel them in favour of more time with the ex and kids (previously it wasn't either or, he was seeing the kids too). Leaving someone at a loose end at relatively short notice at Christmas is not fair.

twentysevendresses · 23/12/2024 07:56

Wow, there are some weird replies on this thread! I'd love to see how some of the posters would actually react if they were in your position OP!

Prioritising children...absolutely 💯

Prioritising your ex wife and your 'couples friends' from you ex relationship!?!? No way!

Your DP is being very manipulative OP, telling you how he 'understands' how difficult it all must be for you, and then continuing to make it difficult! This is shit behaviour, and he's trying to make it so that YOU will be the 'unreasonable' one if you complain, as he's been 'oh so nice and understanding' by saying that he 'understands'. Really, really manipulative!

You are so far down on his priority list you've fallen off it!

I'd bet money he's still sleeping with his ex on those many holidays they take 'as a family' and one (or both) of them are holding out for a reconciliation.

Raise your bar and dump his arse! He doesn't respect you at all.

twentysevendresses · 23/12/2024 07:58

OCDmama · 23/12/2024 07:50

3 years is barely anything. Christmas is for his children.

Are you serious? 🧐🤦‍♀️ 3 years is a very significant investment in a relationship! And yes, Christmas is for the kids...it's NOT, however, for the ex and their 'ex couple' friends!

rstare786 · 23/12/2024 08:00

I also disagree with children always come first. You are the children's role model for their future relationship. A relationship is of equal importance.

Olliequick · 23/12/2024 08:00

A lot saying it’s great he wants to spend Christmas time with the kids, but it’s not that it’s a full day of married life. Then add in the holidays, no thanks not for me.

I would have to end this one and wonder how you coped for so long.

Whatsitreallylike · 23/12/2024 08:01

Are you invited to the friends house after? It sounds very civilised, everyone getting along for everyone’s sake… so why aren’t you going?

12purplepencils · 23/12/2024 08:02

I too think it’s nice they’re spending Christmas Day together.

But it would have been nice for him to see you too in the evening and can see why you’d be hurt that he’s cancelled that.

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