Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

[melissajreyes]

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine.

Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it.

Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'.

By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is.

I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result.

AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take.

He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ever changing.

The question is why you’re not invited to family Christmas with his ex and kids and more so to their friend’s place later? That is the strange behaviour.

Do find another man who prioritises you at Christmas as well as his children. You deserve better.

I’ve spent Christmases and children’s birthdays with my DH and his ex and the kids. They wanted to do stuff together for the kids, but as his GF at the time I was included.

He's over involved with his ex and you're not going to be his priority ever

I don’t see how this is a problem for his ex and kids if he does want to keep doing things together as a family and isn’t going to ditch that.

He may very well have exactly what he wants - the family relationship with his ex and children, and the romantic partner relationship with OP.

I’ve heard of people separating but continuing to live and operate as a family in many ways. They parents are just not a couple but friends (not for me, but works for some and least for some time).

This. After three years why aren't you included too?

The issue isn’t doing things with the kids - it’s excluding the GF from those family events. And it sounds like LW isn’t part of any of the big family things.

I have a step parent (honestly I don’t really like them). They’re part of my life and aren’t excluded from my interactions with my parent. It’s not that I don’t do things with just my parent, but if we’re catching up to celebrate something the step parent is included (even though I don’t like them). I wouldn’t dream of expecting to go on regular holidays without them, or for them to be left out of Christmas or other days.

I agree if you can’t handle someone having friendly interactions and doing things with their child’s parent, or you can’t handle that your partner will have parenting obligations (that don’t end at 18) don’t date people with kids. But to say accept being alone for every holiday, celebration for forever that’s unreasonable. By now, LW should be included in family events. Be that Christmas lunch, holidays abroad, kids birthday dinners etc.

Sometimes I really feel that divorced dads and single women mix like oil and water, especially if she wants her own family as well.

Not sure how old you are, OP, or if you want your own husband and kids, but if you do, and you're still relatively young, I would find a fresh one. Much nicer to start your own marriage and family with someone who doesn't have an ex-wife and kids with another woman. There are always going to be divided loyalties, and all the firsts for you, like marriage, pregnancy, newborn etc are all things he's already done with someone else. Nah. Get a nice new one for yourself.

Op, do you see your partner including you in any of the Christmas plans (obviously not with the morning ones with the ex) in the next few years?
Did your partner invite you, also, to the impromptu evening do?
I think he should have invited you or had his ex go alone to the friend's home with the kids.
To cancel on your premade evening plans is pretty terrible.

You are right and generous to expect that he spends time with his children but at some point your life with him has to be acknowledged; you exist and you deserve to be respected and to be seen to be respected.

Fuck that shit. You had evening plans which he cancelled. He will have spent all day with his DC which you have accepted but then he changed evening plans thus leaving you alone? No that is not right and I would have to seriously re think the relationship as it seems you are bottom of the priority pile.

I can understand why you'd feel upset if he cancelled your plans.

But you only have control over whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

There isn't much you can do (or want to / should do) when it comes to him spending time with his children and ex wife. He made that decision and he is doing it for kids. Even if you or others find it weird. I also think it's unusual, especially inviting his ex to his friends Christmas do.

I'd personally not be able to date a man who has children and is very enmeshed with his ex.

I think you need to decide whether this is something you can accept or not.

Do you want to have children on your own? That's something I'd also consider as I can imagine it would bring even more complexities to this situation.

There was an American woman on here last month in a very similar situation. She said she was, quite rightly IMO, going to end the relationship.

Nope that would not be on . Me and my partner both have children to previous partners and that arrangement is weird. They are not babies they are teens and need to realise life goes on . Where are your boundaries op? My kids go to their other parent after time with us as a family and my partners then get dropped to our house after time with their other parent. But there is the fab time in between where both our kids are together celebrating. Do his kids know you exist? Or are they both gaslighting their children. Sounds more like a them issue rather than what the kids want pretty sure 2 teens would enjoy 2 Christmases. So many issues within the context of this one post and I hope you take your rose tinted glasses off. Why aren't you invited? And as for the he can understand where your coming from cause you don't have kids , bfs partner and ex lovely ppl Co parenting dream but still wouldn't f*ck the kids up by living in a fantasy land where everyone's together on Christmas like old times sake . Op give your head a wobble you might just wake up. What you going to do when you have a kid be left with the baby while he's over at the exes playing happy families still 🙈🙉

OP you have every right to feel upset by this.

Of course he should prioritise seeing his children on Xmas day, however to continue playing “happy families” with his ex-wife with visits to other friends houses and holidays abroad etc is not on - it sends complete mixed messages.

I get that some people can get on well post divorce and that is good for the children but to be going on holidays together and getting together with old couple-friends is over-stepping the mark.

Do you suspect something is going on between them as it sounds like his ex-wife is more of a priority than you?

I know a lot are saying he's being reasonable for the kids but I'm with you OP. I'd be upset about this. 3 years is a long time to have been together and I'd feel like I was being rejected Christmas day. I think he has to see his kids but playing happy families with his ex isn't necessary and I'm sure there's another way.

I think the real issue is that you’re not invited too. You’re let out of every family occasion and you’re now together over three years. So it’s great that the ex wife is amicable. But it’s like you’re dropped for the family events and they pretend for those occasions they are still together. You can be invited and not
left to the sidelines, you’re not being unreasonable.

OP, you're coming across as really needy here. Why do you keep using the word "normal"?? I know a couple of divorced families who Co-parent like this - the children are much happier for it. It's more common than you'd think, frankly because our generation still bears the scars of our parents' messy divorces where the default was hate and separation.
It's lovely that they are both prioritising children.
It's been three years - the question you need to ask yourself is why you aren't involved in these family get togethers? That's what will cause the drama down the line.
Is it because you're not comfortable? ExW? Do you get on with the children?

OP this is unfair on you and the posters saying it's wonderful and fine are likely in marriages where they'd expect this if they split.
In realty this is very unusual. very enmeshed. It would be better for the 'kids' (maybe ok behaviour if they were 5)to see mum and dad as separate people with their own life's, it all seems very false, I'd be assuming he's still sleeping with her and making false promises, he has it all; the family and his young girlfriend.
You would be better off ditching him and finding someone who is actually free.

He is treating you like the other woman whilst playing happy families with his ex. I'm sorry he cancelled your plans, seeing you in the evening should have taken priority over seeing friends. You deserve to be there too, especially after 3 years.

He’s doing what he thinks is best for the DC.

I don’t think it’s wrong, but no, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone so enmeshed with their ex.

It is a compatibility issue. I would be looking for a new fella in the new year.

Why are you not invited too? After three years together I'd expect to be included in family events. I'd question where he sees the relationship going

Whether or not what he is doing is the right thing for him and his family is not really the issue. The point is, he doesn’t really include you as part of his family, does he? You’re a side relationship that he has and will never be his priority. Three years of that? You deserve better.

This wouldn't work for me. The children aren't babies so would cope with mum and dad not being together on Christmas Day. It's not like it's the first Christmas after separation.

I'm assuming he doesn't still live in the old family home OP? I'd probably call quits on this relationship. It's great he loves his kids so much but he's too enmeshed with the wife. Has he begun the divorce proceedings?

Whilst its admirable that your partner and his ex are amicable and want to provide stability for the children, he's treating you with such disrespect!
Fine if he wanted to take the kids to the friends in the evening. Absolutely not fine for the ex to be there as well, especially as this means he's now cancelled plans he had with you! Absolutely not! (Pretty shit of the friends too to be honest!)
Oh and they spend all holidays together too? I'd hazard a guess that this is just as much for your partner and the ex as it is for the children. I wouldn't be happy with this set up and I wouldn't tolerate it either. He's shown you you're nowhere on his list of priorities.

Op it sounds like you have been so patient so far it's a situation whilst correct for the dc I think any partner would struggle with he's clearly still half married and has got the best of all worlds hasn't he.

You’re being treated like an affair partner!

This is the weirdest divorce ever. I’ve never heard the like.

I thought ‘putting the children first’ meant doing what you promise - not acting like you’re still married to their mum.

While I completely respect parents who can remain civil after a break up for their kids, I think this is a step too far. One of the kids is 17 ffs, basically an adult! I wouldn't have an issue with him popping over there for a few hours to see them but to spend all day there and to socialise as a family with their friends would be a step too far for me. Will you have to spend every Christmas alone because of these kind of arrangements?

All families have their own dynamics and again, I think it's commendable that he is so dedicated to his kids. But I just don't think it's the right situation for you. I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas with your family.