Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

[melissajreyes]

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine.

Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it.

Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'.

By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is.

I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result.

AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take.

He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ever changing.

Just thinking about this, OP, I reckon he’d been pretty swiftly disinvited the minute his ex got a serious boyfriend. I suspect neither she nor the BF would want him around. Or they would insist on her BF being included.

@melissajreyes he's keeping his options open and playing it by ear. Find yourself a man with no children. You're too young for all this complication. Your life sounds like that of an ex wife. He's having fun with the kids and another woman while you're on your own.

I think you’ve been a saint putting up with it for this long, they are separated. No need to spend Xmas together for the kids. I’m divorced and my kids see me and their dad at Xmas separately just like every other separated parents I know. That way the kids get ‘two xmas’s’. I wouldn’t dream of leaving my partner to spend Xmas with my ex, we spend Xmas as a family with the kids as does my ex with his partner. There’s enough time over the festive period! Honestly I’d be telling him it needs to change next year or I’d be leaving. I can’t even imagine how you feel sitting on the sidelines whilst the friends don’t even bother to invite you!

He sounds like a selfish twat.

Dump him OP. He will probably get back with his abusive ex.

Until what point/age do children come first?

I agree when they are school aged that they should. But what about 25 year old children or older?

Honestly OP I think you are a part time convenience for him.
This is your life if you choose to accept crumbs.
I think you deserve better.
He has a family that are his priority.
Why would you be hanging around waiting for him to be available.

Let him off.

I wouldn't touch a man with children and an ex.
You are always on the backfoot.
I deserve better.

I'm not sure how to 'quote' the 'quote' - if that makes sense. So I'll just copy and paste the first quote:

"I think I would feel pretty bad about taking a father away from his children on Christmas day. If I were a parent and my pretty recent partner, presumably less than 4 years, was unhappy about it I would really be questioning our compatibility. It's one day in the year. I have to say I think you are being petty and sound jealous. Maybe don't date a man with children because the children shd always come first"

To be clear, I've never tried to take a father away from his children on Christmas Day. I actually encouraged it - not that he needed that from me. Yes, we've been together 3 years. Never had a Christmas together. However, this year we did have plans (only in the evening - which was totally fine by everyone and agreed in advance). My issue is that he cancelled the evening plans (as per my post). So no, I'm not trying to 'take a father away from his children on Christmas Day.'

To @LalaPaloosa2024 Yes, I'm not sure either at point children come first RE: Christmas Day. But to each their own. Every family is different and everyone has their own rules/traditions etc... My issue on that is my partner said it wasn't going to change. Which is good because he's told me upfront that we won't have a Christmas together anytime soon. 5 years to be exact - which is when the youngest turns 18. To be clear, any Christmas 'together' would obviously/rightly involve his children too - as it should!

I understand how you feel OP. I think the issue of them all going together to the family friends in the evening has probably alerted you to think this is abit too 'together'. I totally agree that children should always come first and new partners have to adapt to what's best for the children. However, I can understand why you feel abit miffed. But, as others have said, it's just a day. Mind over matter +++++++++++++++++
I practice that in abundance

Nah he is at it sorry you should be there with him too as his partner

Yanbu. As a divorced woman, I think it's nice to spend some time with younger kids with both parents together on Xmas day, so the kids get to see both parents, show presents etc. However by 13+ that becomes a bit unnecessary. By 18 years I'd not expect any need for both parents together! It sounds quite enmeshed.

Do you think one or both of them would like to get back together?

Yes I agree. I wil be spending a few hours with my ex and daughter tomorrow and we try to get on as best we can in terms of shared events such as school, birthdays etc.

But I have take a very conscious step back to spending too much time together. Our daughter knows that we have separate houses and lives and will not be getting back together.

What the OP is being asked to put up with really is a bit much and her DP is totally taking the piss especially with much older children..

Leave, now.

To be honest it won’t change. How long have you been together? There needs to be boundaries with exes I think even when kids are involved, especially when you’re in a new relationship. I would leave

Have you met the ‘mutual’ friends?
have you been introduced to his social circle as his girlfriend?

it reads to me as if he’s working on reconciling his marriage.

it also reads that the kids may think his parents are working on their marriage.

Either way, he is not emotionally available for you because the memories you would expect to make with your partner are being made by your partner and his (former) wife.

This is not an issue of ‘you knew he came with kids’, this reads as an issue of ‘he and his wife are having a relationship still’.

Start putting your own feelings and emotional welfare first.

This site is full of people who want to tear you down. Read my thread, some of the people are just downright nasty. But honestly I feel exactly where you’re coming from, just because children should come first it doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. There’s no reason he couldn’t get up early and go round there to see his kids open presents, or split the day with his ex. He can be a good dad without being a present ex to his ex wife. This situation with my ex tore me apart (amongst a lot of other terrible things) I think you do deserve a man with no kids x

For your sake, please leave. You deserve a relationship in which you are not always bottom of the pile.

You’re allowed to have feelings as a partner . I have a stepmum , I am a stepmum and my children have a stepmum so I’ve got a lot of experiences with this and it’s friggin complicated!!
I love that he is with his children and ex on Christmas Day, hopefully it means the kids will be well adjusted adults and feel totally loved and secure even though their parents are divorced . But it doesn’t mean he can change plans with you and never prioritise you, especially on Christmas Day! Why can’t you be invited too , and if not he shouldn’t go. The mum can take them, and he has spent the day with them, then he has a partner to go to. It seems to be he is taking you for granted a bit.

I couldn’t put up with this for the rest of my life OP!

Some posters have given you a hard time and IMO that isn’t justified at all. This is a very strange situation. That amount of time with both parents playing happy families over the festive season, leaving you entirely aside must be giving a peculiar message to his kids. Clearly, you are not objecting to your partner spending some time with his kids and their mother, but this is excessive damaging to your relationship. Personally, I think you should be kind to yourself and move on, but that’s your call.

Think of the children!!!!!
😂

You were supposed to crumble that you're unhappy that he's socializing with his ex and friends and spending every holiday with his ex and kids.

Come. On. Now.

This guy may be divorced on paper but he's still married. Smart move to drop him because he likes having a side piece who he can drop when he wants to play Family Guy.

Thankyou for that common sense.

How many people go out socializing with friends and break plans with current partner to do so? And how many go off every holiday with an abusive ex?

Honestly, I think that this will continue for years as he says, and unless you marry or have children yourselves, then you will always be the last option. If you did marry and/or have kids, what would happen then, would you be included? It wouldn't be so bad if you were included in ANY of these events now either. i think it seems from your responses that, the effect this having on you after the evening cancellation is really negative and you want a relationship where you are included. Please update us that you are OK after Christmas.

It's good that they get along for the kids sake.

But, it sounds like your having doubts about the relationship, so I would suggest that you spend this time enjoying yourself with your family and friends and seriously think about if you want to continue the relationship with this man.

This. It’s not about rights and wrongs, it just comes down to how you feel. If you feel you’re often having to take a backseat in your relationship and it doesn’t suit you, and you want to be more of a priority, then it’s just not the relationship for you. I wouldn’t fancy that arrangement either OP.

Hope you have a nice Christmas with your family. Not that parents views are paramount, but I wonder if they worry about your arrangement / relationship set up in which you’re not the priority.. (I get he has kids but they’re not particularly young for him to still be sprinting Xmas with them and the ex wife.

I think there’s something better for you out there. 💜