How long after death of partner before dating?

[GallyGaff]

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful.

We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago.

Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year?
YABU - Wait at least a year.
YANBU - 8 months is fine

You should do whatever feels for right for your happiness OP ❤️

If you are ready, then you are ready.

With deference to the feeling of others who were very close to the deceased (any non-adult children in particular), you are the one still alive who has to carry on with your life.

Fwiw: I was starting to think about it around the 9m mark and started "window shopping" online dating. I see up a proper profile around 11m. I stated talking to and then met my new partner at 14m. In retrospect I was no where near ready, but I worked through that - I probably would have had to do that however long it had been.

I'm sorry to hear about your partner.
I guess it depends on when you are ready to and for the right reasons.

I know someone who started dating about 4 months after her DH died and her relationship with her young adult children has never recovered.

I wouldn’t judge you but in your place I would be discreet and keep it pretty quiet.

Good luck.

Whatever you do, some busybody will disapprove. Do what you want to do, OP. I am sorry for your loss.

There is a theory that those who had settled contented relationships are ready sooner, because there is no unfinished business and they are more at peace with the bereavement... And those who had tempestuous relationships are reliving the trauma for longer.

Not saying it's gospel, just a theory.

I can only comment having lost my Dad not that long ago, and I'm still feeling fairly emotionally fragile if I'm honest. But if you're feeling mentally strong enough to cope with all that dating entails, I'd wish you the very best of luck.

But you will be judged by some.

I would judge you..

My parents were together for 27 years when mum died aged 45. That was in 1998, and by July 2001, he had remarried to someone he’d been with for a year. They are still together, but at the time I got a lot of earache from my mum’s side of the family, about it being too soon.

I disagreed, and told them so. Turns out I, and my dad and stepmum, were right.

No one else has to live with you, so do as you please.

Whatever you want, just make sure you don't go leaping into a relationship in a crazy rush because you're still grieving.

I see of lot of my widower clients start new relationships within 6 months, and their children are often not happy. It depends how you handle it though.

I met my current bf 9 months after his wife died, he had only just started online dating and was looking for something light, warm, friendly and fun (in his words).
We/he did keep it discreet as I think he was afraid of being judged or upsetting people close to her.

One thing he noticed is that things like her birthday, the anniversary of her death etc, seemed almost harder for other people than him. He said it was like people who didn’t see her that often thought of her on those days and it felt more fresh to them, but he was living with it every day and he and their child had to adjust and did adjust to her day to day absence much more quickly.

As the other person involved, I was worried it was too soon in terms of him being emotionally available to me but we kept it very light at the beginning then it naturally developed into something more committed and deep.

People may judge … but provided they aren’t your close relatives who cares.

Judgemental people often have narrow views of many things and ultimately haven’t stepped in your shoes or know your circumstances or feelings.

Do what is right for you….. but just make sure you are really ready … because if you date and it’s a horrible experience or you end up in a relationship that doesn’t go well you need to be sure you are resilient enough to cope with it.

Good luck x

That’s not very nice. On what basis would you judge?

Do you have children OP? They may find it difficult to deal with if it's too soon.

A friend got together with someone after just over a year (assume she did some dating before finding them) after about a 12 year marriage with kids. I was really pleased for her so I wouldn't judge you at all

Do you have children? If so, I'd be a bit cautious since they must be teens or younger, since you were with your late partner for 20 years. If you have no children (or if you had adult children), I'd say go ahead whenever you feel ready.

My father's wife died suddenly last year. It took us all by surprise and was incredibly tragic. They were absolutely made for each other and a wonderful couple.
It was about 8 months after that he admitted he didn't want to be alone and began to look for companionship. He's not looking to replace what he had, but he feels ready to share his life with someone else.
None of us in the family could begrudge him that. He has been lonely without his wife and why should he be alone to satisfy the sensibilities of the rest of us?

Everyone takes their own time. Some after a short while, some never. There is no right answer except that when it feels right, it feels right.

Chatting to other widowers can be helpful. I think it depends on how a spouse died too and ages of kids.
A long protracted illness and chance to say goodbyes then a person probably ready much sooner than a sudden death.

Friend dated quickly after the death of her husband in her late 30s. She admits now it was a car crash. She jumped into dating within 6 months. She was grieving and vulnerable and lonely. Family were horrible to her. Looking back she says she was so lost and didn't care what other people said.

The OP literally asked for opinions. What's not nice about being honest? I'd judge someone who was ready to move on 8 months in. I wouldn't outwardly judge, but I'd think to myself jeez they could have waited a bit longer seems like only 5 mins.

I had a date with a man 14 months after his wife died- he was so not ready to be in a relationship! A female friend, female companion yes.

On the other hand my FIL would have been fine to date 8 moths after MIL passed , although he took it much more slowly.

Sorry for your loss OP
My dad died suddenly at 47, I was 15 and my brother 11. I can't recall the exact months, but I think 6-9mths afterwards, mum joined a group for singles that did outings. Not specifically a dating group at all, just more about day trips, hikes, group meals out etc. She started seeing a man. More a friendship thing initially, but I found it too soon.
Do you have children OP?

@Hannaahhhh j could have phrased it better.
its fine to be honest, i didnt mean it wasn’t nice to say that opinion, its the fact that people would judge is what I don’t think is very nice; in my opinion. And not sure anyone can or should if they haven’t been in that position themselves.

Wait for what?

I wouldn't judge you. I'm not in your shoes, I don't know how you're coping, if you're lonely, if you're struggling being alone. Just be careful, there are men out there looking for vulnerable women. I wish you happiness OP.

I was widowed 4 years ago and haven't dated yet. I'm in a young widows support group and some dated within a year, others haven't dated at all. No judgement from me - you know how you feel and everyone has different reactions to loss. Wishing you all the best