How long after death of partner before dating?

[GallyGaff]

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful.

We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago.

Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year?
YABU - Wait at least a year.
YANBU - 8 months is fine

It's really down to everyone's circumstances. I personally don't think I could. I was single for 8 what's before I met my current partner wasn't fussed and really like my space and independence which I still have as he works away. However I honestly love the bones off him. I couldn't imagine not having him and we have spoke about it and I said genuinely if anything happened to him I definitely wouldn't see myself with anyone else because I have been alone for so long and wasn't looking when we met. I don't think I'd be able to move on even though I know he would want it. I've had friends become widowed and they've moved on within the year and I'm genuinely happy and very encouraging of it. Unless it's. Personal choice like mine nobody should feel they have to be alone because their partners no longer living. Everyone deserves to be happy xxxx

I think there are two very different issues here.

The first is when you feel ready to explore a new relationship. This is of course a very personal decision and absolutely nothing to with anyone else in any way whatsoever (apart from the person/people you are dating, of course).

The second issue is at what point it is appropriate to "go public" about the fact you're dating or have embarked on a new relationship. This is a completely different question and definitely needs very careful consideration, especially when there are children involved. Even if there aren't children, I still think it is kind to be considerate of other people who are grieving (parents, friends etc) who may not be ready to embrace your new boyfriend or partner. Not that I think this should ever stop someone finding happiness whenever they are - just that it is perhaps better to be discreet in the early days.

I read somewhere that widows or widowers who have had happy marriages do move on more quickly.
So your surmising is wrong.

My nan was your age when my grandad died, she has been alone ever since. Lonely, bitter and expects the whole family to dote on her like my grandad did. Don’t be her! You only have one life…

This is interesting. I could see some merit in it. I've found relationships which parted amicably, and were happier, easier to move on from than those that didn't. I'm not by any means comparing it to a loss but I left them feeling a trust in love and relationships and a security I could be happy. Regarding your original question, whenever it's right for you.

Since you have no children I think it is entirely up to you.

Anyone who judges you should remember the old adage:
Don't judge a person until you've walk a mile in their shoes!

I was 48. My husband died after living with a brain tumour for 12 years. He was 50 when he died so 38 when he took unwell. It was a brutal time in retrospect and the last 3-4 years were very hard. I was ready for him to go when he died.
Saying that it was 6 years before I dated. Not sure why it was so long but I needed the children to have left home. Nearly 13 years on from his death I'm remarried and very happy. Another friend remarried after 4 years. She was younger than me and no children. And another friend met someone within 3-4 years.
There's no right or wrong way but children do need looking after. Mine were 17 and 19 so a lot to deal with. Their dad was ill all their childhood which was hard.

Do what’s right for you.

Well, I guess if you read it somewhere then it must be true!

Well, anyone who thinks a year after someone's death is OK to date others, but doesn't think 8 months is OK, is batshit. There's just 17 weeks difference!

If you have found new happiness, then go for it!

Just be happy.
My partner passed away 15 months ago after a very quick illness. It's shit and honestly all you can do is live your life however makes you happiest. For me it really bought home to me that tomorrow isn't promised for any of us, so yes, make plans for the future, but don't sacrifice your happiness today for it, or for the opinions of others. I am definitely happiest on my own, I don't see me looking for another relationship anytime in the foreseeable future, but equally, others are happier in a relationship, and miss the company etc, and they should be able to date whenever they want. The only proviso for me is that whoever you date you need to be honest with.
I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can be happy, whatever that looks like for you x

@GallyGaff people sometimes do not realise that while an adult can get a new spouse, a child cannot get a new parent and a bereaved parent cannot get a new son or daughter. blood is thicker than water.

I am a widow myself. No kids. I was a bit older than you when I lost my husband. For me its the other end of the scale and I knew I would never look for another relationship but I would absolutely not judge. I would say be careful, stuff comes back and smacks you in the face when you aren't expecting it. I wish you happiness.

Totally up to you OP, everyone else who says you're wrong to date again and should mourn for the rest of your life need to fuck off.
Only one life, get out there and live it the best way you can, do what makes you happy,

Therapist friend told me to never make a big decision within a year of a major bereavement, because often you're still affected by grief and not really thinking clearly or most sensibly.
Big decisions not just dating, but things like whether to move house, change jobs etc.
People often crave change to push the painful time further back into the past, but haven't actually processed their emotions healthily from the loss.
A year is obviously a guideline, but please do make sure you're really ready.
And watch out for wankers who will push your boundaries as they assume you'll be more vulnerable.

I was 47 when I was widowed. A few months later I met someone who became a friend. A year of being friends and he told me how he felt and that was it (I thought he was amazing but had no idea he felt the same)

We've had a lot of unexpected ups and downs healthwise but 13 years later I regret nothing.

My partner died 2 years ago suddenly at 59 after a short battle with cancer. I'm 56 and I can't ever imagine being with anyone else.

But everyone is different. Only you can tell when the time is right.

This is really interesting. When my dad passed, I had no unfinished business or trauma... I miss him every day and love him. However, my mum I believe had narcissistic personality disorder. Things weren't peaceful or pleasant when she died and its left a lot of trauma

I loved them both and still do dearly.. . But my dad's passing I made peace with much easier than my mums.

As others have said, and you yourself, it just depends...

Support and hugs to all of you. Each experience is unique. Thus each survivor will feel ready for different things at different times as PPs reflect.

My DH died in Feb 2024 - less than 1 year ago. I am taking it slow. In my early 50s, I don't feel a big rush. Also, my teens are totally not ready. I'm not really ready either. There is so much to do still.

Are you still wearing your ring(s)?

Yes still wearing wedding ring.

Fully agree with this OP.

I'd be surprised at how replacable they were so soon, if the marriage was as happy as you say. But if it suits you, go ahead, as its what you think that counts. You can probably expect the odd raised eyebrow, but largely they will just assume that you weren't that happy after all, up to you if it bothers you or not about what others think.

Research says that men tend to date or seek physical comfort almost immediately. Women take longer. I think that it's fairer to yourself and the new dalliance to have got over the first grieving stage but ultimately it's your life and your choice.