How long after death of partner before dating?

[GallyGaff]

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful.

We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago.

Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year?
YABU - Wait at least a year.
YANBU - 8 months is fine

the kind of people that are going to judge you, will judge you no matter what you do - live your life for you, not them.

Since you have asked I would say two years.

At one point long before my first husband died I was ill. Ill enough to be going to Papworth, was fortunately OK afterwards.

During this time I told DH something that Che Guevara apparently said as he faced his firing squad, that he wanted his wife to marry again and be happy. I thought this very unselfish and admirable. DH said "You know I feel the same".

I have no regrets that I did as we discussed, remarried and am happy, because I'd have wanted the same for him.

If I’m honest I would probably judge somebody who moved on within a year, although I would also recognise I was being unreasonable as it’s not my business and would never say anything to anybody or treat them differently. Internally I would still be judging though, sorry.

This is unfair, no where did the OP say she was looking to replace her husband. If your friend dies, and you meet another friend are you replacing the one you've lost? Or a child? It's a different relationship with a different person.

Whenever you feel ready OP, life is for the living. You'd be doing a disservice to everyone who died too soon to stand still in grief forever.

Some research:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8807029/

I guess my judgement would depend on how public it was. If you're going on some date, they lowly meet the family etc. wouldn't relaly think much. But 8 months in and posting tons abut the new partner? That's a bit off. I have an example of this in my personal life

I think that might depend on the individual situation. There has been nothing physical between me and DH for 28 years. I will be devastated when his time comes as we are like close friends but dont have a physical relationship of any sort. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors...........or what doesnt

This is so difficult because I'm not in your shoes, you feel how you feel BUT are probably more vulnerable than you realise. My FIL moved on very quickly (just a few months) & it was an over the top, intense relationship to the point that his adult children & school aged child were very put out & bottom of the list of priorities. It tore the family apart if I'm honest & I truly think things would have been very different if the relationship was taken slowly & my FIL made separate time for his children. That said his children did not talk ill of him & supported him when his partner & family didn't/wouldn't & I'm so proud of them for that x

WTF have I just read?! Nobody except awful, gossipy, absolute roasters would think that, let alone say it out loud.

How dare you tell a bereaved woman how she 'should' grieve?

I was widowed 11 years ago at 37, my children weee 4 and 6. My husband was ill for 5 years before he died so I went through a lot of anticipatory grief. I started dating again after a year. When I met my new partner I spent a long time explaining to my children that I still loved daddy, but he wasn’t here for me to give the love too. I have been with my partner for 10 years. Only one friend wasn’t accepting. You have to do you, nothing is right or wrong and there should be no judgement x

I know someone who took her new boyfriend to her late DH's funeral! Now that did get people talking. It's really personal I guess.

Some people will.always judge
but it's up to you you have suffered tremendous loss if you feel ready to move on its no one else's business

I've been widowed for almost six years, and although I would like a male companion for meals or days out, I wouldn't want a partner.

I wouldn't judge you, we all deal with widowhood differently, I would just wish you happiness.

Here is the thing... If you separate from your partner, people often encourage you to move on and date again as soon as you feel ready. But when your partner dies there are all those unspoken rules. Truly, the grief process is probably not very different but death is such a taboo subject that it raises irrational emotions.
You are the one who is alive and you know when the time is right for you. Let people judge, it's none of their business.

My opinion is valid just like yours.

In the Victorian times there was a rule book for all this, quite literally.

It no longer exists. So do what you feel you want to do, and if anyone make negative comments, tell them to mind their own business and stop being judgemental.

There's no right or wrong here op. I agree with others that I'd probably keep it discrete initially but more so that you have time to sit with it all and see how you feel about it before you have to listen to any one else's opinion. This is a time where you need to do what's right for you.

My only concern would be that you are in a good and consistent enough place in yourself that you wouldn't be a bit more vulnerable to people with bad intentions or just that dating can be a very mixed bag. But only you know that. Do you have an idea of what you want to get out of it - just to dip your toe back in the pool/ meet new people/ fill your time/ open the door to a new relationship?

My lovely friend lost her DH suddenly when she was just 34.

Within months she was doing all sorts of things most people would raise their eyebrows at. She was lonely though, she wanted to recreate the feeling of someone being there, with her.

She calmed and met and married someone new 3 years later.

At the time she did what she needed to, to get herself through the horror.

OP, people who judge you don’t understand you. Do what’s right for you xxx

I think, fundamentally people muddy “moving forward” with “replacing”.

my children are not anywhere the age of being in this situation but in the same way I would be happy for my son to meet and marry someone who would make him happy and find a fulfilling relationship with, so to would I be if my DIL were widowed and met someone else who made her happy. I would view it as my son wanting his wife to be truly happy and moving on is not the same as replacing someone.

you do what feels right for YOU. No one else is having to walk in your shoes and bear the grief and loneliness and we are a people are not built to do life alone

It’s supposedly true. People want to experience what they had again.

The thing I always think is everyone just assumes the marriage was amazing the partnership was strong.

One of my great friends lost her husband, but they were already separated emotionally and physically years prior and for her she did hold back to respect her family and children but was having quiet relationships fairly soon after he passed away.

What an astonishingly bitchy response. Peiole less nasty-minded will probably think that it’s because of their happiness and the fact that the OP was able to tell him how much he meant to her before he died that means she’s able to look for a new relationship relatively soon. She’s had a very happy marriage to a good person. She’s knows they exist.

I wouldn't judge anything (in reason) that you did whilst coming to terms with a major bereavement. But you might find dating after 8 months a bit soon, with the partner you lost too much in your thoughts and being more vulnerable than usual. Unless there's an old trusted friend you are interested in dating, it might be better to wait.