How long after death of partner before dating?

[GallyGaff]

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful.

We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago.

Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year?
YABU - Wait at least a year.
YANBU - 8 months is fine

GallyGaff · Yesterday 19:03
**
Thank you for your replies.
No children.
A very happy marriage with no baggage/ unresolved issuse.
He was very ill for 10 months. He died in a hospice in my arms. I said what I wanted to say in the minutes before he died.
He was 58. I'm 55.

Do whatever you need to do sweetheart. Lots of love X

What a callous and unsympathetic thing to think, though. Have some empathy!

I read this once; '1 month for each year'. So for a 20 year relationship, 20 months is a reasonable amount of time to start a new relationship. This appeals to me as I think you are very vulnerable after losing your spouse and it may be best to take it slow.

It's not callous ffs. Literally a 50/50 split on peoples opinions. Of course I have sympathy it's awful what OP has gone through and I know the grief only too well. Which is what makes me say I would think 8 months feels too soon.

I wouldn't judge, it's up to the individual.

I would say though to be very aware of what you want, and what you are 'offering', for want of a better word. If you would just like to go out on dates and have non-serious fun, make that plain to the man in question, so he doesn't fall in love with you and be devastated that you didn't want any kind of committed relationship. And mind your own heart, too.

I wouldn't judge but would be a bit worried that you were vulnerable and consequently perhaps not as wary as you might be.

I how much I'd judge depends on the approach to dating.

If one of my friends was widowed and happened to meet someone through a shared hobby, or became closer to someone who was already known to them, I'd think "good for you, but hope you take it slowly as it's quite soon and you're still grieving". If they announced to me that they'd joined tinder, I'd probably be a bit 😳

I would agree and also say be very careful. The 50+ dating pool isn’t that great OP and there’s a lot of men in that age range who aren’t very honest.

Why wouldn’t someone who’s been through the sadness of losing a longtime partner to illness be just as entitled to a bit of jolly, no-strings-attached sex as anyone else? Are you imagining the OP chastely gliding around in black, like the Scottish Widow ads?

I’m really sorry for your loss 🌷. I think with a long illness we often grieve a lot when the diagnosis comes in, and then when the loved one passes away we’ve already somehow come to terms with it.

so if it feels right to you I wouldn’t judge. What I would say though is don’t make any big decisions for at least a year. So keep it light, get to know him, don’t move in / get married / move away ect.

I have a colleague whose DH died in rather tragic circumstances less than a year ago.

She's met a guy on a dating site and he's moved in with her in less than a week. All the usual stories that Cocklodgers use like he's waiting for the lease in his new place, then the person who promised him the furniture let him down.

She insists to everyone who has shown any concern that she's more than capable but I still think she's very, very vulnerable and these Cocklodgers can be utterly charming in the first few weeks. He even has the "mental" exes.

I think you need to look in your heart and be very honest about what you find there.

If you are trying to ease your pain by using another person as a sticking plaster, then you are not ready. If this is the case, then relying on close friends and family is a better option. But I know myself that when you know someone is dying, the grieving begins before they die, and so you can come to resolution faster than 'normal'.

Are you feeling 'yourself' again? When anyone close dies, it can be like a part of you dies with them, and it can be tempting to try to get that part back with another person. when really, the person they are getting to know isn't yet the complete 'you'. At the same time, after 20 years you will likely always feel the effect of his loss, without it affecting your love for another person.

One definite is that if you are feeling guilty about dating, then you are not ready. Exploring the guilt with a therapist or grief counselling might be better.

And it may well be that the only way to find out if you are ready is to try. Even if you really do feel you are ready, don't be surprised if you go on a date and it just starts up all the grief emotions all over again. Not in relation to a death, but I thought I was ready to date after an abusive relationship, but one date showed me I really wasn't. Be prepared for that - but also be prepared to enjoy yourself!

The biggest danger of dating too soon is that a predator will sense your vulnerablility and seem to offer a healing balm for your wounds. When really, they see you as easy prey and plan to consume you and all your resources. So read up on love-bombing, future-faking and catfishing before you get out there.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

It can vary.

A friend lost a spouse after a lengthy battle with cancer. She'd been so ill for so long, they knew it was terminal, i think he'd done his grieving already when she actually died.

He met a new partner about 18m later. However i would say - it really wasn't great for his school aged children. They really, really need their Dad's attention, and not to have to share that with the new partner. The relationship broke up a couple of years later but not after a lot of disruption to the family.

Silly question from someone disingenuous enough to pretend that they themselves wouldn't inwardly raise an eyebrow if it was literally the day after burial.

DH was widowed suddenly after a long marriage. He started dated me five months later. That's more than thirty years ago, married for 29. A friend was widowed, again after a long marriage, met his new wife and married within six months. There is no right or wrong answer and I would never judge.

My friend’s elderly FIL was already with his dead wife’s best friend by the day of her funeral. His wife had been ill for years. I think he’d done his grieving long since. They married within about three months. Even his adult children were ok with it.

I absolutely wouldn't judge this at any time, in terms of 'respect' for the deceased or whatever. That part doesn't bother me at all and it really isn't for others to judge.

If you were my friend, I would be quietly concerned that making yourself emotionally vulnerable too early might not really result in happiness for you, and could indeed add to your trauma. However, i don't really think there's a timeline for 'too early', which is what is so difficult about it. I wouldn't judge though, but I'd be watching very carefully for any signs that you were struggling and would be ready to join you in a teary puddle and hold you tight and put you back together if you did end up being hurt by it. (I don't mean hurt by the person really, i mean hurt by the emotional journey of trying to love again).

Why two years? Seems quite arbitrary.

People are very cruel and judgemental on this matter unfortunately OP. I lost my DP when I was incredibly young, we’d only just started our lives together when he was killed in an accident. I was lonely and found company in another man around 6 months after, his family went berserk and that relationship was severed. I also received a lot of unwanted opinions and was the subject of lots of awful gossip in our town. It was a really awful experience and one that has caused a lot of pain. I went through a lot of therapy to work through my emotions and was told the way I behaved was a natural response and many people search for company after the loss of a partner. The particular relationship I found, turned out to be very unhealthy but I think that was a result of the man and not me! He had his own issues.
I would never judge someone for looking or finding love after the loss of a partner, especially as I know how lonely and scary it can be. But sadly many people do not understand and are very unkind. You must do what’s right for you but be prepared for others to give their unwanted opinions.

Hope you are never in a similar position then.
Who are you to judge?

No I wouldn’t judge because everyone’s circumstances are different, both in how they lost their partner, their relationship set up and how resilient they are in themselves. I know people who never dated again after a loss and I know people who got back on the horse within a year - neither is right or wrong, just what made sense to those people.

In your circumstances in particular, this has been such a long time coming, you will have been in mourning for a lot longer than just since his actual passing. I am so very sorry for your loss, you still have a lot of life ahead of you and I am sure he wouldn’t and you to go through it alone - and I imagine you both had conversations about this very issue while he was still living.

Christmas is a natural time to start thinking about relationships - of all sorts - as it’s when we miss people most keenly. Also with a new year around the corner it is again a time to look to the future, which again is perfectly natural. Only you will know if you are ready to take the next step to start seeking a new partnership, but you shouldn’t determine whether or not to take that step based on other’s judgements. It’s your judgement that matters.

To use myself as an example… I’ve been officially single now for five years because my last relationship ended in a devastating way, truly devastating. And I knew I wouldn’t have anything to give to anyone else until I had fully dealt with it. It’s taken me a lot of time, mainly because a lot of other things have been happening in my life alongside of this (best friend diagnosed with a terminal illness, both elderly parents having very serious health scares, perimenopause, and a host of other not-fun things). Only in the past six months have I properly got the right headspace sorted to be able to let someone else into my life. I’m sure lots of people might think that was an inordinately long amount of time to pull myself together, but as I said, it’s what is right for you and no one else. We are all very different and we all deal with things in our own way and time.

Sending you heaps of love with whatever you decide to do next.

There will always be some who judge but it wouldn’t bother me. I generally don’t give a fuck what people think.

Do what you want op fuck what anyone else ahas to say.
If you feel ready then go for it.

The only people I think it's important to consider in this are your children.

Sitting around waiting for the time when you won't be judged by randoms is a waste of time IMO.

Eight months, I wouldn't judge you at all. Grief is far more complex than any social rules. It's also very different when you have seen someone through illness.