How long after death of partner before dating?

[GallyGaff]

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful.

We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago.

Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year?
YABU - Wait at least a year.
YANBU - 8 months is fine

I wouldn't judge someone for dating eight months after being widowed.

However, if the relative was (eg) one of my parents, or the deceased partner was one of my own siblings, I would expect them to be sensitive to the fact that I was still grieving the deceased partner myself and might not be ready to talk about / meet the relative's new partner. If my dad had died eight months ago and my mum had met someone new, I wouldn't judge her for dating, but I also wouldn't be ready to have the new boyfriend over for family dinners.

I’m a widow (20 months), and having feelings, in that way, for anyone else, seemed unthinkable, for me, for well over a year. I loved my deceased DH very much. My emotions were all over the place for all of that time, post bereavement. It’s a miserable time. 🤷‍♀️.

However, I have, by fluke, met a widower, and we’ve got a gentle relationship, slowly developing.

Neither of us are rushing around doing anything - so, we shall see.

I certainly wouldn’t judge anyone - we are all different, and losing a much loved partner rips your world apart.

Best wishes to anyone widowed. 🌺

I think those who might judge have possibly never been widowed.

I have and I can understand completely why someone may start a new relationship less than a year after the death of a partner.

its something that me and dh discussed 2 days before he died and he said he wouldn’t come and haunt me if I did, he just wanted me to be happy.

as it turns out I didn’t, it wasn’t for me but I did kiss one or two people that first year.

the loneliness is unbearable that first year. It still is

A friend of mine was very friendly with a couple she'd met on holiday. She knew them for years but they lived in a different city. The woman in the couple suddenly became very ill and died. My friend travelled to her funeral and when there, got together with the widowed man.

They've been together ever since but I suspect they've got difficult issues to cope with. Who knows. They tried to keep it secret but that's not easy either.

You'll always get people who judge you and those that don't.

I personally wouldn't judge you however I would have reservations as to whether you were ready and whether it was the right thing to do. It's such a short space of time especially the length of time you and your partner were together, I'd worry about your mental health and whether dating would help that or make it worse.

If I were you and you really want to start dating again, take it slowly.

I think this came out of the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" No idea if there is any onjective research

In my OLD days I was messaged by a man who said his wife was terminally ill and had given him permission to move on.
Personally I felt uncomfortable that he was already seeking out a new partner while his wife was still alive and I told him that’s how I felt. He told me I was judgemental but it’s how I felt. I can’t imagine I’m the only woman he approached who felt the same.

This is a very interesting thread to me.
I lost DH four months ago so the grief is still raw. I'm young (ish for a widow I guess, late30s). DH had been ill for four years and in the last few months we had the discussion where he said he knew I would be okay and he would want me to find someone else. I can't imagine being intimate with anyone ever again but what I really miss is conversation, banter, flirting, a hug from a big 6ft 4 guy with strong arms and soft skin. That's what I miss.
I love going out for nice dinners and when I eventually find myself doing that with a male friend anyone that judges me can go fuck themselves quite truthfully. And if they dared being vocal about it they would get a barrage of that pent up grief-anger that I've been storing for years ❤️

In old novels, a respectable time for remarriage seems to be a year, presumably they must have courted for a few months beforehand.

It seems to be teens and young adults who have issues with their parents getting into relationships, and I suppose in days gone by they just wouldn’t have expected to be considered. They’d have also expected to fly the nest earlier.

I’ve read that people who had happy marriages are more likely to remarry faster.

A friend who was widowed in their 40s started dating fairly quickly (under a year) and we spoke about it once (as friends). They said ‘I have the rest of my life to live, and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be waiting for. My partner is gone, and they aren’t coming back. I can wait for a year or 5 or 10, and they still won’t be back as much as I want them to be. So waiting doesn’t do any good’ and it really stuck with me.

It’s your decision to make, people will judge sadly no matter what you do or how long you leave it. So sorry for your loss OP.

That it exactly…it’s not particularly about sex. It’s about affection, conversation and just feeling loved and cared for again. Sharing some laughs.

It’s about feeling “normal” when you go out, and not like a spare part surrounded by couples.

It’s a lonely time after losing someone.. The loss of that special person. Family and friends can be lovely, but it replaces nothing really..

Others shouldn’t judge, unless they’ve walked a mile on the trail of widowhood.

So, it doesn’t matter one iota to me what others think.

Best wishes 🌺

6 hours, 6 days, 6 months or 6 years - it doesn't matter, the dead don't know and they are not coming back.

When i had grief counselling from CRUSE, i was told that there is no rule book, you do whatever you have to do to get through that day because the grief never goes away, you just learn to live with it.

The "respectful" time rubbish, it is just to please people who haven't a fucking clue how awful losing a loved partner is.

I was married for 16 years before becoming a widow at age 35.
I dated my current husband after a year.
In hindsight, I was not ready emotionally, but he was very understanding and patient.
The only person who openly judged me was my current husband’s mother, but I believe it was because her son was besotted and she was not ready to let go of him ( he was 29)!
Each to his own. I would not judge anyone for dating too soon.

The "respectful" time rubbish, it is just to please people who haven't a fucking clue how awful losing a loved partner is.

I don’t think it’s rubbish. There are other people to consider especially children. A relative moved in a her new partner less than 2 months after the death of her partner(And it turned out that she’d been having an affair with him) and announced the relationship 2 weeks after his death. She completely alienated her grieving(Barely adult) children. I’ve given more thought to replacing a handbag than that.

I think they were owed more respect and consideration than that.

Likewise a friend died and her husband had treated like her dirt(What I’d consider abuse) then tried to play the grieving widow afterwards but still moved someone to their family home in 4 months after her death though he still regularly reminds people of how devastated he was though he didn’t love her enough to treat her with basic decency while she was alive and replaced her quickly so I don’t buy that all widows/widowers should be beyond criticism or genuinely loved their partners.

Everyone is different and every situation is different.

If you have had a long period of your DH being ill and knowing what the eventually outcome would be, you probably spent a lot of time grieving that relationship before he passed. If your ending together was peaceful and you spoke about it then you may feel it easier to move forward.

I wouldn't judge but respect that it could be lonely after being with someone for so long so be on your own. Dating doesn't always have to mean jumping straight into a full blown relationship with someone.

I agree, and OP has clarified that she has no children.

When I was 21 my father passed away. He and my mom had been married about 21 years. Unfortunately my mother died within 2 years of him dying, however, as much as I would have hated to see my mother with someone other than my father I would never have judged her or begrudged her dating somebody else. She was my mother and I loved her and I wanted her to be happy and I know how important her marriage was and how important that kind of companionship can be to a person.

So I guess all that is my way of saying if anybody truly loves and cares about you they're not going to judge you and anybody who is going to judge you doesn't matter. If you feel like you're ready then you're ready.

Well, you have to consider any children, obviously. My friend’s Dad died, and her mother announced her engagement to a new man, at the bloody wake. 😳

It caused a huge family rift that has never been resolved. 🙄

More the timing than the fact she’d moved on.

After my Dad died my mum didn't intend to meet anyone else, but ended up meeting someone a few months later whose wife had just died.

She was determined to 'wait the year' before telling my brother or me. If taken her away for the anniversary of my Dad's death and she ended up breaking down and telling me on the day itself, which was not ideal...

As far as I was concerned she had done 'til death do you part' and I was just happy that she had met someone who had made her happy. Timing anything around a specific anniversary is not a good idea. It's different if children are still under 18 but adult children should be mature enough to be open minded.

As soon as you like, it does not disrespect your love for him or his memory in many ways.
Apparently when men are widowed those with the happiest marriages move on the quickest - I don't know the stats for women but it means you value and like long term relationships. Presumably you had a happy healthy relationship so that bodes well for you finding another good one! X

Any time you feel you are ready but I would judge anyone introducing someone new to their kids,you might need ready but pretty sure children won't be.

Loving someone new doesn't mean you loved your first spouse any less. We don't love our first child any less when we have a second do we.

So no, I would never, ever judge anyone for what ever length of time it was before they dated again. Everyone deserves happiness, and fun, and if dating gives you some of that, after pain, then go for it.

A neighbour met her husband late in life after a failed marriage.

He had never been married before, lived with an elderly brother in the home place (brother inherited it)

So the neighbour moved into the house with the two brothers.

They'd been together about 15 years when her husband died.

On the evening of his funeral she was talking about meeting someone else. She was asking who a certain man was at the funeral (nobody knew)

She has had various weekends away with "new friends" and it's been about 8 months now.

The fear here (I am friendly with her late husband's family) is she'd expect a new man to move into the home her late husband's brother owns (and where she still lives rent and bill free)... she has absolutely no common sense and would see nothing wrong with that.

Thats very interesting summerhillsquare - my partner died Nov 22. We started dating in Feb 2017 and had some very happy years (didn't live together) until Covid hit and his mental health started spiralling down. He descended into alcoholism, left my area to start a new life further north, doing a Masters in Uni, new town etc but he kept drinking. I hadn't seen him for four months (his choice but we spoke and messaged almost daily) when he was admitted to hospital. I was advised not to visit him by his brothers but within a week he was on end of life care. I went the next morning and was with him as he took his last breaths. I hadn't realised how much I still loved him until that point.
Its been 2 years and I have no inclination to ever be with anyone again as I can't bear going through the grief of losing someone again. People ask me 'when are you going to get another fella' meant in a very kindly way but I think I've shut myself off from other people (except parents and children)as a defence.

Now you've posted that information, I wonder if, even though his final passing was peaceful, calm and very quick, our relationship breakdown is why I don't want to 'move on' and I'm not as 'at peace' with it as I thought