Page 8 | How long after death of partner before dating?

TravelInsuranceQ · 19/12/2024 21:09

I've never been in your situation so don't know....
What I would say though is that in a way you've probably been grieving in a way for your husband for longer than 8 months, probably from the time you thought that it was possible he might not make it.

So don't worry about what other people think.
It is completely up to you.
And you might not even know the answer for you until you try it.
You might arrange a date then realise that, for you, it's still too soon - if that's the case, just cancel it and try another time.
You've been through something really tough so it's ok to just think of yourself.

Good luck!

MyrtleStrumpet · 19/12/2024 21:12

Life is too short to give a single fuck about what anyone else thinks.

Don't worry.

Be happy.

Firstposternailsityetagain · 19/12/2024 21:13

Tandora · 18/12/2024 18:28

You should do whatever feels for right for your happiness OP ❤️

Yup!

There are SO many factors, and it's so personal. Don't let anyones opinion tell you how to be happy...except for this opinion obvs :P

Babadookinthewardrobe · 19/12/2024 21:22

Msmoonpie · 18/12/2024 19:10

In circumstances where there has been a long illness I think part of the grieving has been while the person was still alive.

I also once read an article written by a woman whose partner had died. She said that in some ways it was easier for her than for her friends who had divorced. The reason being that the relationship itself was never in question.

There was no acrimony or hate. Just love and an utter certainly that the person they loved had gone.

I wouldn’t judge anyone who has lost a partner.

Show quote history

Thank you. I lost my darling husband 8 months ago at age 49. You are right, there was no acrimony just the utter certainty of love and such a terrible loss. He was my soulmate and I don’t think I will ever move on.

BUT I would not judge anybody, particularly OP who will have already been grieving through the time of the illness and in the hospice. My lovely DH passed away within 2 months of first feeling ill.

Whatever makes you happy and gives you a chink of hope in these times is OK OP. Go for it. Sod the judgement of others, they know nothing. We all handle this in our own way. Good luck to you X

stichguru · 19/12/2024 21:23

Whenever you are ready. I guess you need to feel ready. Like if you throw yourself at someone else because you are desperate to have a partner again, it's too soon. But if you are actually just attracted to someone and want to date - nothing is too soon, and if you never have another relationship that's fine too.

Chocolateteapot12 · 20/12/2024 01:23

speedling · 19/12/2024 10:53

This is a very interesting thread to me.
I lost DH four months ago so the grief is still raw. I'm young (ish for a widow I guess, late30s). DH had been ill for four years and in the last few months we had the discussion where he said he knew I would be okay and he would want me to find someone else. I can't imagine being intimate with anyone ever again but what I really miss is conversation, banter, flirting, a hug from a big 6ft 4 guy with strong arms and soft skin. That's what I miss.
I love going out for nice dinners and when I eventually find myself doing that with a male friend anyone that judges me can go fuck themselves quite truthfully. And if they dared being vocal about it they would get a barrage of that pent up grief-anger that I've been storing for years ❤️

Me too. I’m also 4 months into widowhood and early 40s. Sending love and solidarity

jasjas3008 · 20/12/2024 08:17

ClaraThePigeon · 19/12/2024 19:03

Its rubbish because its none of your business.

OP asked for opinions so she’s getting them so no need to foam at the mouth and play the almighty keyboard warrior defending OP from the horror of alternate opinions though actually I wasn’t talking about OP.

And I do know in examples that I mentioned that their children’s grief was made even harder by their Mother and Father callously disregarding their feelings and rushing into things, and their relationship has never recovered. In the first case I mentioned she had an affair so it’d be hard to argue that she had much regard for her partner to begin with, let alone for her children’s feelings. Her “grief” was not the only one that mattered.

And in the second I know that he was an abusive asshole who never really cared for his partner or he wouldn’t have treated her as he did when she was alive so I’ve no sympathy for him now that she’s dead or patience for his callous disregard for his children’s wellbeing or attempts to pretend that he was ever the virtuous loving husband that he likes to paint himself as to make him seem like a good guy.

Unpleasant and selfish people lose their partners too. You don’t become a paragon of virtue who is beyond reproach just because you lose someone.

My pov is based on experience of loss & counselling.

I wont rise to your quite nasty post about me & two people who you really have no idea about how they felt about losing a partner, which can bring out feelings quite different to perhaps ones they had in life.

You think that because someone starts seeing someone before, in your opinion, they should, they should be "reproached"

My God.

blobby10 · 20/12/2024 08:30

Has anyone else noticed that men seem able to 'move on' more quickly after a bereavement than women do? Maybe its a massive generalisation but I noticed on here that it seems the same after divorce - men move on more quickly.

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 08:49

No I think they should be reproached because the husband was an abusive asshole so sue me if I don’t give a flying fuck about how he feels about my friend’s death considering that he abused her when she was alive and that he didn’t and doesn’t give a shit about his children either. (They’re now living with grandparents)

Likewise the other person may not have been abusive just a cheat but she had absolutely no regard for her children and she’s totally fucked up their relationship, not helped by her new partner being a piece of shit who wanted them out of the house asap including her 17 year old.

You may think that the widow or widower is the only person who matters but if they have children then they are not. Grieving or not, as a parent you have a responsibility to your children and that means considering their needs and feelings as well as your own. It doesn’t mean that you can never find another partner but it means being considerate because you may be able to move on with another partner but they cannot replace their parent and they deserve consideration too. It’s also basic safeguarding for you and them just as you shouldn’t move a partner in 3 months after a breakup. But no heaven forbid that anyone gives their grieving children any thought.

Boomer55 · 20/12/2024 09:22

I agree with it generally, but it’s still not your business. 🤷‍♀️

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 09:54

I agree with it generally, but it’s still not your business. 🤷‍♀️

Fuck me. Is it really such a difficult concept that We’re on a thread where the OP asked for opinions. Though I’m not directly addressing OP’s rather different situation we have expanded to discussing the concept generally as is the point of these boards and as some of those children are related to me then yes it was family business especially as I was in the situation of temporarily having to take in a distressed and grieving 17 year old because her Mother’s new partner was doing everything he could to try to get her out of her home. It’s much more my business than any of the keyboard warriors telling me that I shouldn’t give a shit about the children of relatives and friends especially considering that one of them was with an abusive parent.

Ceebs85 · 20/12/2024 09:56

Honestly if it was a friend asking me this I'd think 8 months was too soon for serious dating because it's probably not fair on the people you're dating as much as anything.

Grannyinnwaiting · 20/12/2024 11:11

8 months is quite quick so I wouldn't say no, I'd just be as discreet as possible and beware against rushing into anything too deep too soon.

There are a lot of predatory men out there - be careful, particularly if you have been left well off.

Sending love to the widows out there. My mother was a young widow - she remarried after 10 years and they had the loveliest marriage. We were all besotted with our step father who was probably ( other than my own DH) the best human being I've ever known.

burntheleaves · 20/12/2024 11:37

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 09:54

I agree with it generally, but it’s still not your business. 🤷‍♀️

Fuck me. Is it really such a difficult concept that We’re on a thread where the OP asked for opinions. Though I’m not directly addressing OP’s rather different situation we have expanded to discussing the concept generally as is the point of these boards and as some of those children are related to me then yes it was family business especially as I was in the situation of temporarily having to take in a distressed and grieving 17 year old because her Mother’s new partner was doing everything he could to try to get her out of her home. It’s much more my business than any of the keyboard warriors telling me that I shouldn’t give a shit about the children of relatives and friends especially considering that one of them was with an abusive parent.

But that situation is not because the mother was dating. It's because she was dating an arsehole.

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 11:54

But that situation is not because the mother was dating. It's because she was dating an arsehole.

It was also because she moved far too fast. It was far too soon for any of her four children. That he was an arsehole obviously made it much worse but her callous disregard for their feelings caused a huge amount of hurt and increased their devastation even before it emerged what a terrible person he was.

Tandora · 20/12/2024 13:24

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 11:54

But that situation is not because the mother was dating. It's because she was dating an arsehole.

It was also because she moved far too fast. It was far too soon for any of her four children. That he was an arsehole obviously made it much worse but her callous disregard for their feelings caused a huge amount of hurt and increased their devastation even before it emerged what a terrible person he was.

I agree with you actually (although obviously this is long way from OP’s original question).
I think if people want to privately start dating after the loss of a loved one, then regardless of the timeframe they should do what makes them happy , and it’s nobody‘s business but their own.
But publicly announcing a relationship and moving people into a family home is quite another matter and obviously there are surely other people’s feelings and grief to consider in those cases.

Jingleswithbellson · 20/12/2024 13:39

Hi OP I’m sorry for your loss. As other posters have asked, do you have children, or anyone else who could be directly impacted if you started a new relationship? My mum died after my parents had been married for decades. Within a few months my dad had started dating. Felt a bit insensitive although me and siblings were supportive. However, we found out when dad accidentally texted one of us an intimate message meant for his new gf. So please be discrete!!

Onlyvisiting · 20/12/2024 13:50

GallyGaff · 18/12/2024 18:24

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful.

We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago.

Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year?
YABU - Wait at least a year.
YANBU - 8 months is fine

I think it depends what you are looking for. I think anyone who was looking for a serious relationship would be very uneasy about dating somken that soon on the basis they probably aren't really ready.
Have you considered more trying to widen your social circle generally, go to groups, start a hobby, that kind of thing? You might meet someone more organically but at least you might get a better idea of how you feel even talking to someone new.

And totally honest answer is I wouldn't exactly judge as in think you shouldn't do it. But I would definitely raise an internal eyebrow and make assumptions about how happy your marriage had been.
My grandfather had a new partner through personal ads within 2 months of my grandmother dying. (Mid to late 60s I think). On the one hand it's a good job he didn't waste any time as he died within 5 years. On the other hand he was a serial adulterer and they had a miserable marriage so it's definitely coloured my image of his character.

Maybe start looking around and perhaps go on a few dates and see how you feel without making a big noise about it. Go slowly and don't rush into anything serious and it will be over a year before you are in 'introducing as partner' territory anyway.

OR, recognise that you can do what will make you happy, and if some people are judgmental then feck em. It's not our life, it's yours! I would say differently if you had kids but you don't so you are allowed to be selfish as you like.

burntheleaves · 20/12/2024 14:51

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 11:54

But that situation is not because the mother was dating. It's because she was dating an arsehole.

It was also because she moved far too fast. It was far too soon for any of her four children. That he was an arsehole obviously made it much worse but her callous disregard for their feelings caused a huge amount of hurt and increased their devastation even before it emerged what a terrible person he was.

Yes. Moving in with someone and affecting the dc is not good at all. Discretely dating is not the same thing.

Blabadder · 20/12/2024 15:55

Are you ready? Really? I would say, do as you feel. I wouldn’t judge. Many will

SlightDrip · 20/12/2024 16:24

Jingleswithbellson · 20/12/2024 13:39

Hi OP I’m sorry for your loss. As other posters have asked, do you have children, or anyone else who could be directly impacted if you started a new relationship? My mum died after my parents had been married for decades. Within a few months my dad had started dating. Felt a bit insensitive although me and siblings were supportive. However, we found out when dad accidentally texted one of us an intimate message meant for his new gf. So please be discrete!!

The OP said in her second post that she has no children.

Isometimeswonder · 20/12/2024 16:36

Hi @GallyGaff.Sorry for your loss.
I can't comment personally as I haven't lost a partner.
But I supported a friend through bereavement in early 40s.
Please just be careful and sure of what you want.
If you are lonely please don't confuse this with wanting sex, as you may have regrets.
But as for judging you, no, I never would x

BestZebbie · 20/12/2024 16:44

Common rules of thumb seem to be
for women: give it a month per year of the previous relationship
for men: at least wait until the funeral is over
I'm not sure either of those is very helpful, although I think I'd suggest everyone wait at least six months just to get practicalities settled and a bit of a 'new normal' established to begin from.

Boomer55 · 20/12/2024 16:47

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 09:54

I agree with it generally, but it’s still not your business. 🤷‍♀️

Fuck me. Is it really such a difficult concept that We’re on a thread where the OP asked for opinions. Though I’m not directly addressing OP’s rather different situation we have expanded to discussing the concept generally as is the point of these boards and as some of those children are related to me then yes it was family business especially as I was in the situation of temporarily having to take in a distressed and grieving 17 year old because her Mother’s new partner was doing everything he could to try to get her out of her home. It’s much more my business than any of the keyboard warriors telling me that I shouldn’t give a shit about the children of relatives and friends especially considering that one of them was with an abusive parent.

Have you ever lost the love of your life and been on the misery trail? No? Then your opinion is irrelevant to me. 🙄🤷‍♀️

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 17:20

Have you ever lost the love of your life and been on the misery trail? No? Then your opinion is irrelevant to me. 🙄🤷‍♀️

I don’t recall rattling your cage yet here you are squawking away at someone you seemingly don’t care about. I had to look back to see who you were and if I had specifically addressed you. It appears not though apologies if I missed it.

And again the OP asked for opinions so I don’t know why you and others are getting your knickers in a such a knot when people share theirs.