How long after death of partner before dating?

[GallyGaff]

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful.

We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago.

Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year?
YABU - Wait at least a year.
YANBU - 8 months is fine

People will judge. Fuck them

Some do it as care

Some just judge

I could never do that

Means you didn't love them

Was my true love. Could never meet another

Etx

I had it all

Equally I did have support

Until they have walked in your shoes you don't know how you /they will react

It was 9mths after dh died. I wasn't looking or expecting it. Just happened

Sorry for your loss @GallyGaff

Why?

I think when someone died and an illness /cancer /stroke etx you start grieving while they are still alive

Very different from a sudden death

Neither is worse

You have months of pain and seeing them suffer

I never got to say bye and was just dead.

Massive shock

I found him

Killed his self

As I said neither is easier

Sounds like you have maybe met someone you like

Go for it @GallyGaff

Life is too short

Sadly we know tomorrow doesn't always come

Live laugh love

That's what I said after dh died

@Hannaahhhh

The OP literally asked for opinions. What's not nice about being honest? I'd judge someone who was ready to move on 8 months in. I wouldn't outwardly judge, but I'd think to myself jeez they could have waited a bit longer seems like only 5 mins.
It's not moving on. It's moving forward.
Who the heck are you or anyone wise to judge when a grieving person is allowed to find happiness. It's like you think you hold the rules for how long other people should dwell in misery.

Part of the grief is loneliness. I don't for a millisecond believe I have the right to judge someone for seeking company. That's just horrific

My DHs dad died suddenly in June 2010. My MIL met her 2nd husband in May 2011 and they were married in August 2012, so just over two years after DHs dad died. They are still married now. DH was very upset and angry at the time and thought it was too soon (he was only 15 when his dad died). He gets on well with his stepdad now, though. __

Ahh @blobby10 that sounds rough. Take all the time you need and ignore the well meaning advice. Time is a great healer.

Where did I say OP isn't allowed? Where did I say there's rules? Don't be so ridiculous. OP asked would people judge. I have been widowed. I wouldn't move on or forward or whichever way you want to sugar coat it within 8 months. That's just my opinion, like we are all entitled to. Like OP asked for.

It's like you think you hold the rules for what opinions people are allowed to have on here. Grow up.

@Hannaahhhh quite remarkable how you try to twist things to make others seem like the ones with horrible judgemental views.

@Hannaahhhh YOU weren't ready at 8 months. That's fine.

Judging someone else you don't know for wanting to seek companionship is just not decent behaviour

If I would think to myself it's too soon but I wouldn't say it out loud, that's totally my perogative. The decent behaviour is not saying it. What's not decent behaviour is arguing with a widow on the Internet about her "behaviour" because she thinks 8 months is too soon. You're boring me now, just grow up. Unless you've been in the situation you won't understand.

It was 3 months for my dad to move on after my mum died. But it was a very very unhappy marriage and I suspect he was having an emotional affair for some time. It was too much to process after still grieving my mum and I wish he'd kept quiet for longer tbh. The whole thing brings up a lot of complex emotions but it's his life. I've met his partner once and have no intention of forming a relationship with her.

Just to say thank you for all your comments. Some of you have taken the time to write quite in-depth ones and I very much appreciate the wonderful advice I have had. I would also like to thank everyone for their very kind comments about the grief I'm currently feeling.

My partner of 15 years died 9 months ago. I 100% do not feel ready to date but that's just how I feel. My family are trying to push me into it.

There is no universal accepted amount of time so ignore what everyone else wants and do what works for you. As we've both learned - life is too short to waste.

I guess a year seems like a reasonable time frame for most, but i’m sure some will have a problem with that so do what feels right.

I know some one who married her husbands best friend 18m after he died
raised a few eyebrows apparently but they’re happy
there’s no set limit. You do whatever feels right to you

I would think under a year is a bit soon, but that's based on my own experience of bereavement. I was basically slightly insane for the first year of loss.

It took a bit more than a year for me to find my 'new normal' and I wouldn't have been capapble of having a stable and healthy new relationship before I reached that point.

Whatever the outcome, I wish you a happy future, OP.

Its rubbish because its none of your business.

You don't know what these people felt, you ve no idea and the chances are children will never accept a new partner, all they want is their mum or dad back.

I suffered a very sudden bereavement, in the morning planning our wedding, the next a funeral but i would never dare to judge anyone, whatever they did relationship wise.

If they met that person a week later, so what? might be the only thing stopping themselves tipping over the edge.

We all deal with things in our way and its fucking hard enough without a bunch of so called do gooders having their say.

It is an individual thing. I know someone who lost his wife of 20 years, and was married within 18 months.
There is no right timeline for grieving and moving on/

OP I am sorry for your loss.

I’ll give you one from the other perspective. I was in ICU on life support, and my DP’s manager urged him to move on as soon as possible. Said that hopefully within six months he would be in a happy settled relationship. And I wasn’t dead yet 😱.

I think that in all reality nobody actually can tell anyone else what they should do. I remember watching an article on good morning Britain or similar, and they said that a survey had shown that a really high proportion of people (I think it might even been as high as 20%) believed that people should never move on after the loss of a partner and to do so is unacceptable.

I’ve also seen posts on here from posters saying that they absolutely would expect their own partner to never move on if they died.

Conversely many people would want their partner to move on and find happiness after they’ve gone. Myself included. Although I think that we’ll wait until I’m actually dead before he moves on 😂

Its rubbish because its none of your business.

OP asked for opinions so she’s getting them so no need to foam at the mouth and play the almighty keyboard warrior defending OP from the horror of alternate opinions though actually I wasn’t talking about OP.

And I do know in examples that I mentioned that their children’s grief was made even harder by their Mother and Father callously disregarding their feelings and rushing into things, and their relationship has never recovered. In the first case I mentioned she had an affair so it’d be hard to argue that she had much regard for her partner to begin with, let alone for her children’s feelings. Her “grief” was not the only one that mattered.

And in the second I know that he was an abusive asshole who never really cared for his partner or he wouldn’t have treated her as he did when she was alive so I’ve no sympathy for him now that she’s dead or patience for his callous disregard for his children’s wellbeing or attempts to pretend that he was ever the virtuous loving husband that he likes to paint himself as to make him seem like a good guy.

Unpleasant and selfish people lose their partners too. You don’t become a paragon of virtue who is beyond reproach just because you lose someone.

Thing is with your partner dying , yes it may be someone's mum dad brother sister friend

But it's the love of your life

And suddenly you are home alone. No one to see or talk or cuddle

But the others go home and see their loved ones /family etx and their lives carry on as such

They forget that you are on your own

A poster said about dates are sometimes harder for others. They R.E.M. the birthdays , anniversaries etx and seem more harder to them

Where to us we live with the loss every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month year after year

My love and I got together when I was 38 and he 48. Our first marriages had gone wrong. We had already been friends for almost 20 years. We were soulmates.

I lost him after a very short illness. I could never replace him, however for those that wish to have companionship, friendship and maybe love there is no right or wrong. Life is so short and if you can find love again then that has to be wonderful. Not for me but we all have different needs and outlooks on life. Good luck.

For your own mental health wait. You may think you are ready but bereavement is a journey and you could very quickly change your mind. Speaking from experience I didn’t have sex for two years and even that was too soon. Makes me feel 🤢 whenever I think of it despite it being fun at the time.

8 months is a fair bit of time.

just date and enjoy. If u don’t enjoy, look around again.

i wish u all the luck and love in the world, because there will always be someone who thinks you should wear black longer than Queen Victoria did

I don't no t think there is time limit as such but I'd be upset if my dad started dating someone 8 months after my mum died, I think 8 months is quite a short time but that is me